I feel horrible. Its always this stupid cycle of guilt and disgust. When can it ever end?

Im really sori that i cannot accept you. Im a bad person. I break people's hearts. And people break my heart. Makes me a heartless person. That's why im into sufism. A path of solitudeness, where i can find back my lost self.

Yes and no, i lost my confidence. Not that i lost confidence in you, but i lost faith in the type of commitment i give to people, and how my weakness which is the tendency to get distracted by other problems and insecure easily gets the better of me, making the situation a very ideal way of saying, GO TO HELL YOU EVIL BASTARD. (Astaghfirullah, i said a bad word)

Thats me. Yes, i can be myself, sometimes im not myself. But no one, i mean it, NO ONE would ever really understand the complex matter of me. Im too complex to even think.

Last but not least, you already know that my heart is with someone else, and i would do what it takes to reopen the wound and never let it heal. I hide my sorrow by smiling, and by praising God and the Prophet, by going to maulids and majlis zikirullah, by making friends and not just enjoying life, but understand life itself.

Try and understand my philosophy, my principles in life. I beg you.

Im too much for a person to bear. Im too much. You can say whatever it is that potrays the good side of me, but still, I am what you say i am, if i wasn't, than why would i say i am, in the news, the papers everyday i am.

I dunno, its just the way i am. Too bad, so sad. Life must go on.

And yes, you'll be among the 70 people i would save from hell fire, with my amalan versing surah Ikhlas everday(according to Kitab Riyadus Salikin). My parents, my loved one, my family, and my friends.

That is the only thing that is in my mind ryt now.

Rabbana Atina Fiddunia Hasanah, wafirg akhirati hasanah, wakina a'zabannar!

Oh Allah, give us safety here and hereafter, and save us from hellfire.

Amin.

Saving the people i love from hellfire is the main goal im after. We are all part of the same source. So, tell me, what is more important than this? Love? Love to God, dat is.

Wsslm.