New Year Covenant

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein

I would like to begin my new year with this quote by a famous mathematician in the world, Sir Albert Einstein.

As I rummage into this already dampened brain for clues as to what to write, I realised that celebrating the new year is not just about enjoying it, but perhaps in a more higher derivative, embracing it with full of hopes and unfulfilled dreams. I succumbed myself in deeper thought, as I look towards my living room window. 2008 was generally a sucky period for me. Although I must say what you lose is what you gain, I prefer seeing my 2008 in a mess. And thus concludes the quote I chose to begin my 2009.

Instead of blabbering about what I want to do, how about I post myself a series of questions.

How was your 2008?

Bad.


Was 2008 memorable?

Depending on how negative and how positive you view it.


What do you mean negative?

I have increasingly indulged myself into pessimism. If not for faith, family, friends, and frequent 'One Piece' episodes, I'd dwelled even further into the sea of negativity.


Can you roughly list for me the negative/bad things that has happened in 2008?

1) Failure to enter to university this year with my batch due to my stupidity in planning.
2) Failure to leave NS with that amount of credibility and confidence as how I walked out of SISPEC
3) Failure to save Dian Farzanna's live which then caused her to die in April 2008 and thus brought about a series of traumatised events.
4) Failure to help the community who are most in need due to my irregularity in work shifts.
5) Failure to learn and grasp Japanese well.
6) Failure to make myself happy after Dian's death.
7) Failure to please my parents.
8) Failure to collect enough money to last me 2 years in uni dis year.
9) Failure to spend time for myself and indulge myself in research and books.
10) Failure to understand myself.
11) Failure to give myself another chance to love.
12) Failure to give people chance to understand. (Magician Disappearing Act Theory)
13) Failure to keep up with religious learning.
14) Failure to clean up the mess that I have made.
15) Failure to achieve something in year 2008.


Well, that's a long list of failures. Im interested in number 11 and number 15. Care to explain?

Regarding number 11, I tried my best to offer myself a chance. However, much to my dismay, whenever something bad or unexpected props up, I keep blaming myself and not having the determination to go all the way and treat it like a challenge. I couldn't help but kept thinking about failing to keep up to her promises, and why I should stay single till I die, and how I cannot replace a close friend that has been there for me listening to EVERYTHING that has happened in my life. When a bad event unfolds, or a certain strain of rebuff exist, there isn't any emotion to outwit these negativities and thus I further drowned myself into a rollercoaster.

As for number 15, I must admit im very ambitious. I feel jealous everytime I see people with cars and having a certain social status that permits him/her to attain such wealth and a sense of pride. And here I am scanning stupid cards and talking rubbish japanese to customers. I want to do more. To do things. Great things. I was sitting in a mosque back when I was sec 4. A wise man sat beside me and told me I have a problem. Curious by his sudden shocking claim, I asked why. He mentioned I could do great things in life if not for my inapt to grasp myself in times of turmoil. Yes, I admit I am a sensitive creature and thus actions made by me are a mere example of influences of the environment around me. So he took my head in his soft palms, and prayed, and kissed my forehead. He smiled and left. Since then I told myself I was born to do great things in life. My strength is based upon the courage and determination of others. I am exactly like Peter Petrelli. I gain power from others, not taking them away from people, and in fact able to contribute what I have. I saw how my big brother scored in his O'level. And so I looked up to him, and always tell myself I can do better. Yes I am playful too. And I enjoyed my childhood innocent life of mere soccer, running, studying, games and such. And still I believe I achieved something that year. But look at me now. I achieve nothing. And so I hope this year when I enter uni, im all geared up for it. I made mistakes to conquer my fears. I am ready for my honours. I am ready to be the best. And thus, able to do great things in life.


Ok, so could you list out breifly the achievements you would want to achieve this year?

1) Get a good start in university.
2) Settle down with my community programme.
3) To be a better man.
4) To be wiser and mature in thinking despite having a 17 year old face. (bla bla bla.)
5) To be able to start my first book entitled, "The Rose, The Angel, And Me - A completely incomprehensive biased thesis about life."
6) To be able to give myself a chance to love.
7) To be able to write a thesis about the issue on freedom v/s love.
8) To be able to make my parents proud.
9) To be able to sustain financially without any help (as always)
10) To be able to have a determination like Straw hat luffy.


Interesting. number 10 is interesting.

Yes. Im intriuged by his nonchalant attitude about danger, and yet already have set inside his heart the determination to win despite his foes being stronger than him. I never mentioned about it at work. Recently my collegue went to Thailand for a short holiday, and she got everyone a small keychain of sorts. I got this small pirate doll with a blue hat. Kaizoku Ouja. Consider that coincidence? Or fate? hehe.


Indeed. Im curious as to how are you going to deal with 'rebuffs' in near future?

Well, I'd tell Harold about it. I'd tell mum about it. I'd tell my big brother about it. I'd share it with a couple of closed friends about it. Gaining a conclusive obejective point of view is divine. And it further elevates divinity by praying to God for guidance. And tell myself, I have no fear in disappointments. Every mistake is a point to learn. It'll make me stronger, and I'll achieve what I want to achieve if god permits it ameen.


This tactic of yours. Is it workable?

Everything is possible if you believe.


So this year, in 2009, honestly, how do you comment about Dian's death?

No comments. I'd take her in my stride, knowing that she'd want me to be happy.



I have thus acknowledged the basic sacred covenant in my mind. Mistakes are steps to victory. Never must I fear to make mistakes. There are many opportunities out there for the taking. Never give up on an opportunity. Embrace and not retaliate. Love and not hate. Submit and not give in. Understand and not tolerate. Smile and not frown. Breathe and not drown. Haste, and not waste. Dream and not dwell.

And a footnote. I have made incredible friends who have and yet proven themselves to be the best. The brotherhood. Faiza. And a long lost sweet childhood best friend Nisa. Not to forget my old buddies who has always been there and will be there. Taufiq, Azhari, Alpha commanders. May our memories of strong brotherhood be together binded in faith and kindership. To my family, mum and dad, for having faith and unconditional love for me. To my two little brothers whom I loved so dearly and to whom I put faith and confidence. To my big brother Hasanul for his knowledge and leadership in leading me. To his girlfriend whom I've yet to meet formally. (dun hurt him if you do darn it hehe) To the long lost friends who have shaped me and touched my heart one way or another. To my future university friends may we help each other in our quest to be the best, and also to enjoy undergraduate life hehe. To the Palestinians may you peservere in this times of identity crisis. And ultimately I raise this glass of sincerity to myself.
May you have the strength and courage to push on.

To Muhammad PBUH, I'd make you proud.

And.

To God.

Bless my soul. And hers. And those mentioned above.


And excerpt from my book.


"Bie?"

"ye sayang. Whats up?"

"Are you afraid of death?"

I paused. Perhaps hesitating an answer.

"Yes. And No." Probably the safest answer.

"Bie, I am not afraid."

I paused again. I fear the event that would inevitably unfold.

"And I shall wait for you there at the Gardens of Paradise. Find me ok?"

Tears dripped like the morning dew. The sound of the takbir from the radio echoed through my house. "Make haste, pray your subuh. Now its Aidilfitri." Mum bellowed.

"Insya'allah I will." I put down the phone. A fleeting moment emerged like an eagle hungry for its meal. Death is fear.