Went to visit an old friend sleeping in Pusara Abadi today.

I dun wish to comment what happen, but i guess like what ppl would say, without sincerity the things that we plan would not work out.

And what pissed me the most is when I saw a broken piece of Spiderman 3 dvd on his sleeping bed. He couldn't have like, wake up and play it on DVD ryt?! Kurafat habes, must be the non-muslim friends of the Isz.. He is a muslim, do respect his religion. Prayers is all he needs now.

It was a tough walk. He sleeps deep inside Pusara Abadi. We took a cab there, and had to seek empathy from others so that we could hitch hike out.

It was nice to see the old gang back, thou its a small group, but I have always been low profile. Syafiq in SOC, and Salihin working. In these times you really feel the brotherhood, and the appreciation of the friendship we shared for so many years.

I have always been the sensitive one. Thou I wun show it, but I'd just keep it all to myself. I was on my way to Boon Lay to meet them today, and in the bus I accidentally played Dian's music pieces. I was about to change them when I felt this sudden emptiness in me, and so I continued listening.

I still haven face the fact that Dian is gone. Isz is already sleeping. But Dian? I didn't even have the money to go and see her sleeping haven.

She must have been so beautiful when she sleeps. :(

Isz told me something before. He said once, that many didn't like him, and he asked me if I know why. I told him, that it doesn't matter, coz ryt now you do have friends who cares about you, thou its a small no, but still they do. And its ok if they talk bad about you or hate you. They will get what they deserve.

When he passed on, many came to see, some cried, some kept their silence, others having the empty face that showed nothing but guilt. The guilt when you talk bad about others. And now he is asleep, he wun be waking up, so im nt sure if he did forgave them.

He would have forgiven them, I know him. Kind at heart, childish in many ways. He loves spiderman, just like me. Always thought of how good Spiderman is, the fact that Peter Parker is already in a tight situation, and yet sacrificing himself and serving the public without hesitation. Cool guy.

"With great power comes great responsibility"

I only see great power comes great corruption, but still there are few individuals out there just like me who yearns to be heroes. Everybody needs a hero. Everybody can be a hero. Its the matter of how strong the feeling is, when you see a poor blind man selling tissue down the street. The ability to put yourself in people's shoes.

And so Im facing my demons. I shall play it on my blog, the beautiful pieces from Dian Farzanna, a true friend who loves me so much, till she die protecting that love.

I'll never ever forgive myself.

The guilt of not standing up for my loved ones when people are talking rubbish about them. How people criticize and talk bad about how Isz Sazli speaks in front of me, and I did nothing. Nothing, to protect.

I have failed.

And I shall never forgive myself.

I will be a great person one day. I will keep my dreams alive. I was born to help people. I must. And for all that is worth, I shall see people smiling and laughing and holding my hand shouting grace and happiness in appreciation of the small contribution I give that lifts up their spirits.
And I will do so, with Dian, and Isz in my heart. I know they are watching, smiling at me. I do so, for God, to help His creation, and salvage myself from this guilt that would stay on till I sleep too.

Everybody will sleep one day. Faiza ones told me that a wise clever person is a person who thinks about death. Chinese people would say, "choi!" (is that how you spell it?)

Life is more like a journey. Like we are all sailing, and we see an Island, and the ship harbors at the island. As we step foot onto the island, we realise the beauty of the island, with so many beautiful mangoes, apples, animals to eat, and many more. Some restock their supply. Others already plan to stay on the island enjoying the beauty of life there. Some take sufficient supply, and quickly board the ship to get good captain guest seats.

But then you hear the sound of trumpets and whistles indicating the ship will leave soon. Some hastened, picked up so many supplies, until they eventually have to sit at the back of the ship, having to contend with a 3rd class seat. Some would still stay, ignoring the ship, indulging the delights of the island could offer. Some stumble. Some waited until the next ship arrives.

Im still on the island. They left without me.

:(

PS: by the way, I did enjoyed myself dancing last night, esp the part where it was freelance, I danced with the mask on, and it was wonderful. The mask is my life. It hides the pain, well, to an extent that is.

Abang letak lagu dian di blog abang ok? Kita sebarkan cerita perjuangan kita pada orang, terserah mereka mahu percaya atau tidak. Yang penting, dian tetap dalam hati abang, sememangnya itulah lumrah. Abang tak akan hapuskan segala apa yang kita alami bersama, kerna abang rasa dianlah wanita yang terbaik untuk abang, selalu sabar menghadapi kesakitan sehingga dian meninggalkan mereka yang sangat menyayangi dian. Abang sentiasa menangis kalau teringat akan dian, bercucuran air mata abang menulis warkah ini. Namun abang tahu dian mendengar segalanya, kerna dian sekarang ada disisi Allah Azzawajala. Abang sedih keseorangan tanpa dian. Tiada yang menemani abang semasa abang pulang ke rumah. Tiada yg menemani abang semasa abang ingin lelap lena. Tiada lagi semua, hanya kesedihan yg dialami pabila abang mengingatkan kembali ketawa manis dan senyuman manja dian, dan juga pahitnya dian mengerang sakit, "Bie, sakit bie.. sakit.." Pahit rasanya mendengar dian mengerang sakit, abang tahan tangis agar abang menjadi orang yg tabah untuk dian dibelai. Hanya Allah saja yang tahu betapa sayangnya dan cinta abang pada dian, kamulah seorang insan yang selalu mendengar rintihan abang, walaupun sekecil2nya. Abang ingat lagi, semasa abang berduka, dian belikan abang macs breakfast, hotcakes with sausage meal, and ice milo, makanan paling digemari abang. Namun semuanya hanya menjadi memori. Tak akan terganti setiap kenangan yang telah terukir, yang terendap indah dan melekat di hati. Dian, abang akan sentiasa doakan agar kuburmu diluaskan dan ada cahya Nur agar ia tidak gelap disana. Dan kamu di golongkan dalam para syuhada berjihad di jalan Allah.

Sayangnya ia tidak berkekalan. Apa jua di dalam dunia ini tidak berkekalan. Di sana jua kekal abadi. Abang akan tetap mencari erti hidup, dan menyebarkan cinta dian, hati dian yang diberi kepadaku kepada dunia yang luas terbentang. Ada mereka yang mengalami kesusahan dan perlukan kasih sayang. Akanku taburkan cintamu ke alam ini.

Wsslm.