2am in the morning.

My optimism view of life was tested today upon reaching home from a rough day at work. Instead of fighting the issue, i choose the latter; closing my eyes and pretend that it was all a bad dream. I woke up at 2 am and noticed this weight on my heart, and I sense that I cannot just ignore such a bad dream after all.

Parents can sometimes turn a blind eye to whatever your contribution you have done in your life, when their egos are tested, so I've noticed. They cause a tantrum everytime you raise an issue as an adult, thinking that you're not adult enough to discuss about it. Firstly, im 21 going 22, and I have proven myself worthy in countless occasions on my loyalty, leadership and presence in the family. There is absolutely no doubt about it. Sacrificing for the family in my point of view is crucial- top priority, in order to sustain an important balance between good and evil in my life. But like I say, that can all go down the drain when parents tend to view their authority over the whole issue, and being oblivious that actually by fact, it was me who had a a major share of it in the issue. Yes you have paid the sum of money, but it was me who facilitated the whole thing, and whenever you needed help I was almost always there to assist, despite the fact that your persuasion in the matter of help can be quite rough and authoritative. Oh come on is it so hard to say, please? Or say nicely? Why must it sound like an order, and like, just barge into my personal space and demand something, in an almost PRC-like tone, and expect something to be done. Im not a student dad. Im your son. I think you kinda forget tt. Sheesh. And mum just kept quiet cuz she knew I'd be sad about it and with her eyes looking at me like that when she open the door and saw me keeping my mouth shut, on my bed, in a distant look, she ask if i have eaten and quietly close the door. She know the drill- I'd complain to her tomorrow when dad's at work. That way this stupid feeling can go away. Sweet mum.

I dreamt about how it was back then. It was simple. I used to have this strong pillar of reliability on my godsisters. And there was diana. There was my buddy Khairul whom I always ponder at awe how he could actually make things look funny all the time. There was Aisyah whom I share almost everything with her. And now look at me.

Back then it was beautiful. When I feel sad or happy, I can have a cup of ice cream with Aisyah, Isz, and many other friends in JC. I mean, its not about how ice cream can solve a problem. Men think in an almost robotic-like practical system- he view things in perspective, and tries to secure a solution to the problems he is facing unlike women who just need emotional comfort. Its about the type of friends I use to have. Aisyah is that sweet soft person who can really reach out to anyone, and have that smile that can cheer a person instantly. Khairul has that ability- almost Samir-like. And Diana is really objective. And I do have the Malay Excos at my support, people like Farhanah and Suli and Muni. So I've noticed.

I have many female friends and only a small number of guy friends. Why do I result myself into woman? That is the issue im pondering now. When Dian was alive, I shunned all my female friends and just combined all those female friends I have into one, thinking that it was the best solution. So when she passed away, things became quite messy.

I always believe, in my point of view, that having a best mate and a best female friend is crucial. It kinda strike a balance in life- both are able to give a balance opinion. However, having a group of female friends is also crucial cuz you cannot rely or depend on a singular perception from women, it needs to be as a whole. unlike guys, cuz guys are just so typical. One guy is all it takes to share. Haha.

And you don't play the guitar over the phone to a guy ryt? haha! I used to sing on the phone to my godsisters, whichever is free. Its just a way to express myself, not a flirtatious action.

But look at me now. Limited in numbers. Limited in time. I seriously cannot wait to uni. Back to a student life. An institution where you are able to orientate or communicate with people. When you work you don't communicate much. Its just work, and home. And home, to work. My optimism view of life is getting thinner. I hope it doesn't reach danger levels. Cuz if it does, then I guess I'd be as miserable as an apek who never buy 4D but number strike lottery.

I can't wait to stimulate my mind in books and intellectual comodity. I can't wait to be compliant to a fixed schedule of mugging and studying w friends, jamming, dancing, things tt used to fill up my life. The alma matter of my life is now all based on the clock ticking to July next yr.

I can start all over again. I can reach out to the need again, find time for community work again. I can discuss with people a common subject to ponder. Oh its so exciting. And I can also curse at myself on how stressed up I've become when the exams comes. Haha.

I believe it all comes down to a singular word.

Challenge.

I need a challenge. A certain injection of adrenaline.


PS: Yo Harold buddy, bring me out and let's do something crazy.

PPS: I actually share the same likings with my cuzzin Aizud about this song. I shall jam with you guys Oasis fanatics soon.

If I'd to fall, will you be there to applaud
Or would you hide behind them all.

Cuz if I have to go, in my heart you grow.
That's where you belong.

The author succumbed himself in fear of losing the ones close to him. He wishes for that tiny moment where everything was like in the past, but acknowledging the fact that it can never happen and so instead he wished something else.

Something else.

And he aspires to live his life like Muhammad, with a slight drop of John Lennon's attributes. Gosh he needs that book by John Lennon.

Quoting from his book, In His Own Write, "And yoko was the one that saved me from this boredom. She is perfect. Personality, and the Oriental Eyes."