As the 18th of August glooms even nearer, my mood goes depressingly awful. What shud I say? What shud I think? What shud I feel?

The person is ready to listen, to just keep quiet while I begin to slowly open the cracked mask that has been my face for ages, unveiling the scarred inner me that will shocked everyone.

And here I am wishing that everything is ok.


Yesterday, I learnt something called sacrifice. I took MC and got two days, just so that I could help my mum prepare for family prayers on Nisfu Syaaban. I was plagued by worries and doubts over my position at work now, and being an almost perfectionist, I craved to go to work. To prove that I am an asset. But after seeing through my mum's eyes, and some sense and pushes from dad and a fren, I made it thru the test. Alhamdulillah. Anyways, I wun be staying too long. Was thinking of tendering my resignation sooner than you think.

I can never sacrifice my solat and friday prayers druing Ramadhan, if i do, it is better that i dun fast. Cuz solat comes 2nd before puasa, its like a chain of dominoes. Never do one pillar, the rest will give way.

In Nisfu Syaa'ban, the Prophet has promised his ummah that all shall be freed from hellfire under God's blessing and mercy except 6 kinds of people.

1) The few who drinks
2) The few who conducts or get close frequently to adultery
3) The few who has a heart of stone
4) The few who likes to spread misunderstanding/ fitna
5) The few who likes to use physical violence on the weak
6) The few who has goes against and are sinned against their parents

May Allah shed light on me, for I am sinned. Look at me, I am paying the price for the sins I have done.

And after the yassins, it cleared my head and tears can never stop leaking out of my bespectacled eyes.

I kept seeing my faults, not deserving to gain entrance to Paradise, how I did wrong, my guilt for dian, and my mua'lim Haji Salleh Meerasa, my teacher of spiritual Islam, is really sick. He is in hospital now. I have followed him, and his Maulids, zikr, and salawats for more than 5 years.

In May, he looked at me and suddenly said, " This boy has hope, this boy has hope."

I did not know what he see in me, perhaps a person who has khashaf like him cud truly see something in me. When I have given up on myself, he put hopes on me.

But what kind of hopes? If it is success in life, then alhamdulillah, but if it comes with the path of sins, then I guess I'd rather have a simple life. But if this hope comes in a shape of taufiq and hidayah, then I guess its much much better.

Ameen.

ps: I'll see you tmr dian. And you'll be able to see me the whole month of Ramadhan. I'll never stop praying for you.