A birthday without you

Happy birthday to me.

And i can still clearly hear your voice in my ear, as I could remember, that moment when you wanted us to talk until the clock struck midnight, just to say Happy Birthday to me.

Im 21 now.

A full adult.

Now as I look upon the world with my eyes, all I can see is you.

You meaning love.

And so today marks the first step, the first milestone, in spreading your love to the world.

On the 25th of September, year 2008, as I reach my prime age of adulthood, I would see the world in a new perspective. Gone were the days of bgr, monkey love, stupid pranks, childish remarks. I must change, to be a wise man. To be able to lead my family, and myself, in search of Allah's grace.

It feels strange, to celebrate my birthday in this solemn atmosphere. Perhaps I kept comparing to what i received last year. You gave me all of your attention in a single day. And now, I can remember it for the rest of my life. How strong the impact is eh. To be able to share what I really feel with someone so close. And all you would say, is, 'Its gonna be ok, haz. Im here. I will go thru it with you, no matter how hard it is. Muacks.'

And the card you gave me. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I kept looking at it, hoping to hear a slight blur of your voice in my head, of how you'd sound like if you were to say it in my face, with that smile, and that sincerity.

It feels strange, to celebrate my birthday in this sadness. This is because im living with the knowledge that it will happen only once in my life, and that it can never happen again.

I heard this phrase before somewhere.

"You live once. You die once. You love once."

I have lived once. I will die soon. But have I loved you once?

I think I do.

The author is reminising the days when he celebrated his birthday in Ramadhan last year with Dian, and he received his 20 suprises. And the best of all, it was that phrase she keep saying to him, until I fell asleep, until 25th September 2007 became nothing more than a memory. And he is celebrating it in a quiet trance by himself, hoping to look back at what he has done, his past mistakes, his flaws and weaknesses, that shaped him to what he is now. The author thinks that death actually comes like a blessing in disguise.

She kept saying.

"I love you, bie. Forever."

Indeed.


Cuz if have to go,
in my heart you'll grow
That's where you belong.