Azhari is gone. Now I really feel the pinch. An intellectual friend who always offer me another angle to whatever the situation is is not here in Singapore anymore.

I promised him I'll see him over there. And I will.

I will also drop by dian's grave.

A week has passed, but I feel that there is nothing important for me to blog about. The week passed by like flashes of lightning, leaving me stranded, wondering what the heck has happened.

So busy, I didn't even have time for myself.

I've discussed with my parents regarding the need of braces. After much weighing, I finally abled to convince them to try. There goes my car license. But what the heck, I won't need it anyway. I think I need a nice smile for my future. I really really think so.

Samir thinks its good to have those, so that you look even more handsomer than ever. I beg to differ. Apparently, I think I have been living in a self-denial world lately. I think I could do anything I want. Be whoever I want to be. But still, it all comes down to one final answer.

I cannot.

Why?

Simpy cuz im a normal ugly human being with an aspiration to do great things in life.

And with that saying, I need to sacrifice a lot of things.

It all started when I was helping Hasan Azhari with his luggage, pushing the trolley towards the check-in counter. As I saw Hasan mingling with his friends, spending every last moment he could with his loved one, I saw myself in his position. The opportunity to see the world, to do great things in life. I saw myself, in Hasan's position, and how does it really feel to leave everything behind to pursue your dreams.

And so my brain was having its own cosmic battle.

I come from a very conservative family, who deals with religious issues with utmost respect, and family bonding so strong it makes the strong intermolecular forces of attraction in diamonds look like jelly.

So naturally they are unwilling to see me actually spread my wings and fly. Though it is true that my dad once told me to be different and fly. Obviously he is being ironical.

I understand- the fact that they really do care about me and what im about to do. They have been holding my hands throughout the journey, shaping me to be the individual everybody knows by the name of Muhammad Hazlami Ibnu Zawawi.

The hour of wolves approaches. And as the clock strikes midnight on 25th September 2008, I'll be a full fledge adult. It is time for them to let go. Let it all go. Redha, and let me find my own path to find Allah.

I see Allah in everything that I see. But there are things that I haven't seen yet. And so, I need to see it all to understand life.

I see the responsibility getting heaver on my shoulders. I feel the strength in me to actually take risks without even thinking twice. I think my mind is ready to seek knowledge. To learn.

And so that night, I saw myself leaving it all behind, and now i finally understand why Allah put me in this position. He gave me time, time to think, to seek the truth about myself, and to think about my potentials, to change me, so that I'll be ready for 2009, as an adult. A man.

A man who will pursue his dreams.

Braces is a small factor, but details too are important to achieve my dreams.

I love to smile, that everyone know. But think, a beautiful smile would definitely make a person even more happy. Im not saying just woman, for I believe my smile is for the world.

I told samir, that in the process of metamorphosis, I think I cannot go as far as he would want to. I think our ship must harbor. For now.

Im feeling as lonely as ever, but I know I must fight this feeling. Now its just me and my dreams that'll fill this empty heart of mine.

This song really is singing what im really feeling now.

Here's another sunday morning call
Yer hear yer head-a-banging on the door
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
Into a day that couldn't give you more
But what for?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you don't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it'll ever work out right
But it's ok. It's alright

When yer lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Becouse your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it'll ever work out right
But it's ok. It's alright

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Because your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And i'm not sure if it'll ever, ever, ever work out right
If it'll ever, ever, ever work out right?
Will it ever, ever, ever work out right?