The Ghost of my Past

amongst the laughter and company, i still find myself alone on my way back home.

and damn, it was depressing. to think that i masked myself so that people won't see the actual situation that im facing right now, its such an irony; me living in a self-denial world is alarming.

i need someone to talk to, to let it all out of my system.

I cannot take it much longer.

I keep dreaming that I was at war with my men in the jungle, and from the darkness a soldier came rushing towards me with a bayonet fixed at the tip of the rifle.

upon seeing the figure rushing towards me i point my rifle and gave two burst of fire, and shouted command for my section to cover fire for me as i examine my kill.

fahmi, my 2nd SAW gunner approach from my left, and assisted me.

I shouted, "Faiezad! Hold the section 3 bounds ahead for me!! Daniel!! Cover my rear!"

And so we performed a 3UP formation, just to make sure the enemy doesn't come flanking happily from the back.

I put my rifle to safe and back sling my weapon, Fahmi's eyes dead focus on the figure that seemed to struggle in the dark jungle floor.

I pulled the helmet out and saw a glint of moonlight scaring the face of my enemy, revealing a woman's face, her crimson red blood smearing and glistening under the soft light that filtered through the canopy of leaves above.

I gasped, and fear, pain and a sudden sadness and guilt struck my heart like a swift knife slashing through flesh. But I remained composed, as the woman struggled to breathe, blood gushing out from the holes that bored from her throat and chest.. Her eyes fixed on me, a sudden cold of sort creeped through my soul as I began to fight my guilt.. What surprised me was that, a flint moment came by as quickly as seconds trickled down the hourglass, a moment where I laughed at that pitiful soul, despite her dead eyes fixed upon my flesh eyes.. And I continued the fight, leaving her reckless body crumpled in a mess behind, my soul tainted with a guilt so much it left tiny pearls leaking through my beady eyes.

And for 14 days continuously, for the last two weeks, I suffered the same haunting dream, and it ends with cold sweat on my face and body, leaving me shiver slightly in the darkness, her gasping voice echoing clear like water in my ears.. Leaving me confused, crumpled, tired, sad, guilty, and more...

on the 15th day which was yesterday, it surmounts..

Alas I recognise the face of my kill.....

It was you dian.......

I am a murderer.

Help me Allah, I need your Grace, for I feel weak from the 30hrs of sleep over 360hrs of living on your Earth You created.

I need help. Really. I need to stop this dream, I've been fighting it, but so far it only leaves me in fear of ever sleeping again. My eyebags are getting worser than ever.

Help me. Pls. Anyone. Anybody. :(