All i could see now is the destruction of my creative mp4 dat wen to bits all cause my lil bro 'forgets' to remove it from his pants wen he went for his rock climbing practice..

Whole lot of shit worth of 3 years music downloading in there.

Darn. Hurt me so much to see it go away. But its ok.

Instead of me scolding him, i kept my distance and cool, and my dad did my job, and i swear it i didnt tell him anything.

Guess he either dig it out from his guilty face, or he is just plain Master Jedi.

As I look back at my ol lakai shoe box that contains the most treasured items I have in my life, it was a major wake up call for me- why can't I put away this feeling of self attatchment to a material?

Though yes, alot of them have sentimental values, like for an instance, the creative muvo sportsm i still have them in my drawer, and it still working after 3 years of service.

And I save up like 2mths worth of school money just to buy it.

Cards, letters, gifts, pictures, receipts, movie tix (like the LOTR marathorn) somehow have their own special moments.

I live in a life of moments. Moments that take my breath away. Moments that keep me strong. Moments that make me smile or laugh, or sadness.

Then came a picture of sorts in my head. Its like, I cant help it but realise that I tend to put 'things'- like music, small stuffs like receipts and that- as a memory trigger. For example, I hear this song called, "Hold on- Jet" and it reminded me of that time I sat at the seats of the stadium in AJC, looking over NYP from afar, after a training, it was the day after my birthday, first year, and the celebration was very sad. That time I was realli facing probs w Aish, and my studies, and my mind was aching from the stress and the pain. And so i sat there thinkin back how simple life can be if I could just sit there and do nothing but see the world change from a far.

Yup. And there is this birthday card by Nasir- he gave me when I was in sec 4, nearing my prelims. Its this round circular card that when i read it, i have to turn and turn the card. Haha. Thats like one of the sweet ones i get from a guy. Oh ya, and tis cd from a local artist who passed away, his name was Aden, and the song, "I believe in you", bren gave it to me, and i still got the small post it bren put it on the cd cover.

Brings back good ol memories.

I use to live a very simple life. So simple. Go mosque. Come back home read book, seldom hangout w frens, always alone yet having alot of frens. I have dis habit, its still in me, but now its seldom, though i like taking a walk at the SOC ground haha. Its like, walking alone, looking at the sky and the trees, and just smiling and talking to myself. Im not that crazy u noe, but its more of like, a reflective opportunity for me to make myself happy, and to learn from it.

And the habit of how i would look in the mirror and tell myself to calm down when something bad happen.

Come to thing of it, I was a nice person. :)

Now look at me.

Ppl backstabbing me, frens lie and cheat, ppl not appreciating the many small efforts that i put in for them, and i noe, its both myself and their fault.

And they just vanish. Vanish like, POOF!!

Shhesh, talk about being selfish, ryt din?

Tsk3.

But i stand firm on my ground. And all the oath taking and swearing and promises. I can forgive.
But i cannot forget. Never.

Never.

Oh ya, another important thing. Thanks to my love dian, who went thru all my up n downs, n mean ALL of it. I appreciate everything u did, so so much. U truly are. e beacon of light in my heart. I love you sweetie =) thanks for everything..

Feelin sick...
Feelin weak...
Feelin kinda pissed...
Its jus so so wrong...

Gimme strength Oh God..
N so help me God..

=(

Dian Farzanna...

Internet in the Army??

Haha, in my 2 years of service (or nearing) in the Army, I've never been to a place where u can use actual internet haha.

Hmm, so many things to say.

Its been very rough for the two of us. The 3rd Party issue came to an end when we manage to block her off, and with a couple of goodwill prayers, God will protect us from any black magic that hovers like an eagle eagerly watchful over its prey.

Ann Lim is over. Now comes the days of the Aftermath, and still I sense there is more to come till the final testiment. The final day that I'll go over there and end the physical barrier that is keeping us apart.

As from this story, and from the previous ones, I've learnt many.

1) Never put too much trust on others
2) Friends can either help you, or kill you
3) Have Faith only in God and blessing from your parents
4) Humans have many flaws and weaknesses
5) As shown in (4), humans tend to say 'I forgive you', but never forgiving
6) Humans at times of pressure show much reluctance to think in logic and are always overwhelmed by emotions that can even 'severe the unthinkable'
7) Love is never a protocol; it needs one
8) Understanding is inevitable without acceptance
9) Pain is only physical if we believe its physical
10) Woman are either tools of seduction, or warmth of comfort

Its like a washing machine ride for me, and now im still in the ripples of it, though approching the calmness, yet the irony it can approach to calamity.

But fear not for I have faith in the Lord and me.

Right now my only focus is farz's health. And her well-being.

Trying to juggle work family and personal stuff is like fighting in a quicksand; the more you move, the deeper you sink. And the irony?

Its not the weight that pulls you in, its the struggle.

So I cannot afford to panic nor letting the chaos break open. I must breathe. Breathe. And clear my mind.

So much hatred, so much anger, so much pain in me, and I either use to let i all out, or fret about it someday.

I now must face it like a man. Like a stalling tiger waiting to catch a glimpse of the blood that will drip. The shudder. The patience. The all-calmness. Waiting for the moment to grasp the opp not to be missed. Or else.

Haz, there is no else.


PS: I love you- so much