I slept the whole night after a series of strong battles of migraine. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah, I survived it. I thought God wouldn't spare me and would take my life away that very instance the migraine struck. It felt as though there were nails in my head.
I tried studying but i felt that I have lost my edge. The eye of the Tiger no longer resides in my chest. I tried studying but I am always distracted. It sounds perplexing, but I must admit that I find it lesser and lesser day by day, the very purpose of studying in RMIT.
Feverishly as it may sound, this is real. And I am scared of it. I seem to lose the drive forward. Like a toothless Tiger. And as I stared and hugged Atom, I realized that he too faces such predicament. He no longer eats from his bowl. I always find it heartwarming to see him at his bowl, standing on his two small feet, looking up, waiting patiently for someone's attention to feed him his favourite fresh cabbage. But now he sits in his home, lay docile, afraid, in pain, as though life has been ripped off his chest.
And as I looked out to the horizon from my window, the calmness came and reside in my soul. I search the moon, but it does not appear tonight. I ask Allah, please place in my heart the sight, because I think I am blind within.
And as I search for a glimpse of light, I feel tired, like Atom, and lay quietly, perturb by endless thoughts of insecurities. The 'what ifs' appear frequently like the buzzing of bees, but where is the honey?
Man of the World.
A befitting title to this post. Explains a thousand words describing what I am feeling right now.
People saw me, smiling at me, as though I am doing fine, doing good, everything all stable, all ok..
They can't see through me. And I do not have anyone to share this with, because I believe no one can understand it. And I was thinking, Allah created me, He place within me fear, emotions, insecurities, strength, weakness, and more. And when i was existing as a Soul, I knew perfectly and accepted earnestly, the things i would go through right now.
I remember telling myself before, when people that I care left me, I was born not to love and not to be loved. I was born to face this world alone. Absent company. Only the will to search for meaning.
As a kid, I used to be left unattended. A shadow of reality. Of parental expectations. I try my best to show my worth and value to make them proud, but its always compared to others, and as a result, there was only fear. Fear of not being acknowledged. I remember wearing my favourite shirt everytime its my birthday, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my room specking clean, only to be shunned aside with forgotten memories. I remember crying, all curled up under my table, as my other half received toys and sega games, and myself? I merely leech on them as though I own them but I own nothing.
And I remember nearly giving up on my own existence, and accepting my reality as a shadow of others ambition. I celebrated my birthday every midnight alone, buying a small piece of cake smuggled in my school bag, cooked my own maggi, put candles on my cake, and sing my own birthday songs to please myself. Telling myself that tomorrow its going to be ok. That one day, I will find my purpose. Every night on the 25th of September, I acknowledged my own existence. It kept me alive, and I thank Allah for it. For being there with me through those nights. Listening to my prayers.
And till now, I am acknowledging my own existence. That I exist because of Allah. And I accept my destiny of loneliness, knowing that You are always there, looking at me, as how I looked at You.
I don't deserve anything Allah. If no one acknowledges me, its ok. I think I can handle that. But if You don't, then I am Nothing. I am but a servant, and I am still finding that sincerity to acknowledged that with all my heart. Be my Light, the Light of All Lights. This place is dark. It is scary. I feel so alone. Only with Your Light, that I can see this World as it Is.
This world is temporary. So am I. The Man of the Temporal World.
*Listening to the Man of the World, Naruto ost*
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Dream
Alfatehah to arwah Isz Sazli.
I dreamt about you. After 5-6 years, I finally really dream about you. And I know it is you because you never spoke to me at all, but remain there in a very comfortable manner. May Allah bless your soul, my brother.
I also dreamt in the same scene, a little baby and a man who was carrying the baby, and at that moment, he lay the baby on the bed, held the baby's palms in his thumbs, and talked to me that sounds like an advise, something like I need to read the Quran to entertain the baby, to make it happy, to instill in him the verses. And he read a particular verse which I can't remember. And all along, arwah was standing by me, smiling, encouraging.
This dream must have a message in it. The baby must meant fitrah, or my soul, and that it must be fed with Revealed Knowledge. And that would suggest the unveiling, because to simply read is insufficient, but I feel what was meant as an advise by that man, was to 'read' as how Surah Al-Alaaq taught us.
اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ
Bacalah (wahai Muhammad) dengan nama Tuhanmu yang menciptakan (sekalian makhluk),
continued:
الَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِالْقَلَمِ
Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan,
عَلَّمَ الْإِنسَانَ مَا لَمْ يَعْلَمْ
Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.
This meant that the initial intention of my life should be based on wanting to know (kenal) God as my Creator. And it was He who taught us things that we do not know via Kalam. And He warned:
أَن رَّآهُ اسْتَغْنَىٰ
Dengan sebab ia melihat dirinya sudah cukup apa yang dihajatinya.
إِنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ الرُّجْعَىٰ
(Ingatlah) sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmu lah tempat kembali (untuk menerima balasan).
This is something that made me quiver with fear. I always thought that, ahh i know this already. I always thought that, I am the result of the things I have accomplished, and can accomplish. The term used 'hustaghna' is possibly linked to the term 'istigna' which means 'yang Terkaya' or the Most Complete Being.
Who am I to say that I am complete? By having a degree, getting a job, does that make me complete?
It doesn't.
And God remind us to return (raj'un) to Him.
That should be the basis of all things.
Masya'allah I feel so incomplete. There are so many things that I do not know, if I already know, it doesn't necessarily mean I understand or affirm it. My iman still goes up and down like a rollercoaster.
Oh Allah, grant me istiqamah..... please.
I dreamt about you. After 5-6 years, I finally really dream about you. And I know it is you because you never spoke to me at all, but remain there in a very comfortable manner. May Allah bless your soul, my brother.
I also dreamt in the same scene, a little baby and a man who was carrying the baby, and at that moment, he lay the baby on the bed, held the baby's palms in his thumbs, and talked to me that sounds like an advise, something like I need to read the Quran to entertain the baby, to make it happy, to instill in him the verses. And he read a particular verse which I can't remember. And all along, arwah was standing by me, smiling, encouraging.
This dream must have a message in it. The baby must meant fitrah, or my soul, and that it must be fed with Revealed Knowledge. And that would suggest the unveiling, because to simply read is insufficient, but I feel what was meant as an advise by that man, was to 'read' as how Surah Al-Alaaq taught us.
اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ
Bacalah (wahai Muhammad) dengan nama Tuhanmu yang menciptakan (sekalian makhluk),
continued:
الَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِالْقَلَمِ
Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan,
عَلَّمَ الْإِنسَانَ مَا لَمْ يَعْلَمْ
Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.
This meant that the initial intention of my life should be based on wanting to know (kenal) God as my Creator. And it was He who taught us things that we do not know via Kalam. And He warned:
أَن رَّآهُ اسْتَغْنَىٰ
Dengan sebab ia melihat dirinya sudah cukup apa yang dihajatinya.
إِنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ الرُّجْعَىٰ
(Ingatlah) sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmu lah tempat kembali (untuk menerima balasan).
This is something that made me quiver with fear. I always thought that, ahh i know this already. I always thought that, I am the result of the things I have accomplished, and can accomplish. The term used 'hustaghna' is possibly linked to the term 'istigna' which means 'yang Terkaya' or the Most Complete Being.
Who am I to say that I am complete? By having a degree, getting a job, does that make me complete?
It doesn't.
And God remind us to return (raj'un) to Him.
That should be the basis of all things.
Masya'allah I feel so incomplete. There are so many things that I do not know, if I already know, it doesn't necessarily mean I understand or affirm it. My iman still goes up and down like a rollercoaster.
Oh Allah, grant me istiqamah..... please.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Rezeki
Allah gave me a mouth with a set of teeth to chew. And I forgot how wonderful this gift is until Allah place a small ulcer at the top left inner side of my mouth. And the constant pain made me realize, just a small bit of ulcer can cause a huge amount of discomfort, fever, flu, and headache. And to top it off, what ever that I ate hurts, because the ulcer will rub against the left side of my tooth.
فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ
Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman:13)
We keep denying the little gifts that Allah provide. And yet, He is Forgiving and Merciful, and allows us a chance every second to remember Him.
فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ
Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman:13)
We keep denying the little gifts that Allah provide. And yet, He is Forgiving and Merciful, and allows us a chance every second to remember Him.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Weight
This whole week I was out for projects, meetings, classes etc and I really had no time for revision nor rest. I didn't have time to make dhuha prayers, nor wake up early for tahajjud.
I am so tired.
It became clear to me that this sort of amals are indeed by-invitation basis. This shows that I wasn't sincere enough.
"O you who believe! turn to Allah a sincere turning; maybe your Lord will remove from you your evil and cause you to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, on the day on which Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him; their light shall run on before them and on their right hands; they shall say: Our Lord! make perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things." (At-Tahrim 66)
In this ayat, the word 'sincere' is mentioned as taubattan nasuha. This form of taubah, as how I am reflecting right now, is indeed a form of sincere turning- the kind of repentance that submits in view of a slave that has no form of rights and possessions, and that he voluntarily submits knowing that whatever punishment or reward he may receive, it is up to Him to make it. And in turn, you ask for Allah for Mercy, and make 'perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things.'
And here, the term 'nur' refers to the light that shines above all lights, or makrifah, and 'protection' refers to 'ghafur' which means forgiveness. And in asking forgiveness, you are seeking protection from the Creator, as how you ask forgiveness to your parents after a mistake you have made, and in that you are seeking safe haven, safe passage in the house by submitting to their will, to their rules, commands an prohibitions.
The thing here is that, even in sincerity, we need to ask of it from Allah. I once asked my dad, how do you attain khusyuk in prayers? In my mind, it must be about focus, about pushing various thoughts that will distract you.
But I was wrong.
My dad said,"Ask Allah for khusyuk."
In the end, the purpose of a slave is none but one: total dependance on God. A slave and a servant is different. The former refers to an individual that serves his Master without asking anything in return because he is indebted to the Master and owns nothing, but the latter refers to a person that does things in hopes of a payment in return.
Masya'allah! Such profound contrast!
I have always been doing things for Allah in hopes of getting something in return. Like I do tahajjud in hopes that my hajat is being answered.
But what should I do then to be a slave? Does that mean I don't do anything since I can't expect anything?
Allah says, conveying to us the words of his prophet Jacob (peace be upon him): “Never despair of Allah’s mercy. No one despairs of Allah’s mercy except the unbelieving people.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]
This means, that to assume good things from Allah is Just, and mercy will definitely come if there is sincerity, and sincerity must come with the affirmation in our soul, that it is up to Him to decide to give mercy or not, for as a slave my purpose is to continue to do what is commanded of me.
And thus I pray to you, oh Merciful One, grant me the wisdom and sincerity, for I am nothing without You.
------
on a side note, a friend was asking me, why am I teaching a lot of tuition? isn't it unbearable?
I told him that I have to work to save up money so that I can put my heart to Allah and His Religion closer. And my heart has been set upon it, because what I feel in my soul is true and real. :) so this flesh is nothing but His tool, and I strive to do what is best for everyone.
Hayyan fii qulubtu. Ya Allah berilah istiqamah dalam diri ini, untuk mencintaiMu, dan mencintainya.
Missing you.
I am so tired.
It became clear to me that this sort of amals are indeed by-invitation basis. This shows that I wasn't sincere enough.
"O you who believe! turn to Allah a sincere turning; maybe your Lord will remove from you your evil and cause you to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, on the day on which Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him; their light shall run on before them and on their right hands; they shall say: Our Lord! make perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things." (At-Tahrim 66)
In this ayat, the word 'sincere' is mentioned as taubattan nasuha. This form of taubah, as how I am reflecting right now, is indeed a form of sincere turning- the kind of repentance that submits in view of a slave that has no form of rights and possessions, and that he voluntarily submits knowing that whatever punishment or reward he may receive, it is up to Him to make it. And in turn, you ask for Allah for Mercy, and make 'perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things.'
And here, the term 'nur' refers to the light that shines above all lights, or makrifah, and 'protection' refers to 'ghafur' which means forgiveness. And in asking forgiveness, you are seeking protection from the Creator, as how you ask forgiveness to your parents after a mistake you have made, and in that you are seeking safe haven, safe passage in the house by submitting to their will, to their rules, commands an prohibitions.
The thing here is that, even in sincerity, we need to ask of it from Allah. I once asked my dad, how do you attain khusyuk in prayers? In my mind, it must be about focus, about pushing various thoughts that will distract you.
But I was wrong.
My dad said,"Ask Allah for khusyuk."
In the end, the purpose of a slave is none but one: total dependance on God. A slave and a servant is different. The former refers to an individual that serves his Master without asking anything in return because he is indebted to the Master and owns nothing, but the latter refers to a person that does things in hopes of a payment in return.
Masya'allah! Such profound contrast!
I have always been doing things for Allah in hopes of getting something in return. Like I do tahajjud in hopes that my hajat is being answered.
But what should I do then to be a slave? Does that mean I don't do anything since I can't expect anything?
Allah says, conveying to us the words of his prophet Jacob (peace be upon him): “Never despair of Allah’s mercy. No one despairs of Allah’s mercy except the unbelieving people.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]
This means, that to assume good things from Allah is Just, and mercy will definitely come if there is sincerity, and sincerity must come with the affirmation in our soul, that it is up to Him to decide to give mercy or not, for as a slave my purpose is to continue to do what is commanded of me.
And thus I pray to you, oh Merciful One, grant me the wisdom and sincerity, for I am nothing without You.
------
on a side note, a friend was asking me, why am I teaching a lot of tuition? isn't it unbearable?
I told him that I have to work to save up money so that I can put my heart to Allah and His Religion closer. And my heart has been set upon it, because what I feel in my soul is true and real. :) so this flesh is nothing but His tool, and I strive to do what is best for everyone.
Hayyan fii qulubtu. Ya Allah berilah istiqamah dalam diri ini, untuk mencintaiMu, dan mencintainya.
Missing you.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Bagai pungguk rindukan Bulan
For Yoko:
Pungguk menunggu layu
pada siang harinya
datang pula senja
dan dedaun masa berguguran
kerinduan
menanti pasti akan penjelmaan
Bulan.
Pungguk
Hinggapnya diatas silara pepohon restu
Menegguk
dengan asyiknya madu iman
hatinya tenang penuh riang
menanti pasti akan penjelmaan
Bulan.
Pungguk
Terbang nun jauh ke seberang lautan jawi
mencari erti
diri
dan terjumpa ia peti
rahsia ilahi
pada celahan-celahan malam
nur cahaya sekarang dan silam
Bulan.
Pungguk
Akhirnya teduh di bawah bunga kasturi
harum mewangi
rohani dan jasmani
hakikat dirinya ia terima
pada luhur budi pekerti
menanti pasti akan penjelmaan
Bulan.
Bulan
menampakkan wajahnya pada bebintang malam
berkerlipan bagaikan mutiara pada lautan hitam
beburung yang berkelana tidak akan hilang
dan Bulan
menjadi penyeri iman di dalam hati
diri
ini.
Pungguk rindukan Bulan
Melihat asyiknya keindahan mempersona
hakikat Pencipta yang Agung
dalam cahaya Bulan
yang menawan.
Wahai Bulan
cinta sang pungguk berdiri tegap
atas luhur peribadi yang mantap
akan tugasnya sebagai insan
dan cintanya pada Bulan
kerna cintanya pada Tuhan
keindahan sifat Ar-Rahman
hadir dalam diri
Bulan.
:)
Friday, March 23, 2012
Fate and Destiny
I was sad when I heard from Yoko that two good friends parted ways, and in that short span of healing, quickly get themselves attached and in the process of marriage.
Although the situation between them and us was different, I still feel sad. Partly because the guy came to me to talk about it, and somehow or rather, he lost the will to fight for the girl, and kept blabbering that she should accept him for who he is, and that if it is meant to be, then it is meant to be.
2 issues here for me to reflect on myself:
1) I didn't part with Yoko because I cannot accept her for who she is. Rather, I cannot accept myself for who I have become. I became a monster. And to have someone so beautiful in mind and heart like Yoko requires due absent of such being. If I force her to accept who I am, then if my own self is wrong, then she accepts what is wrong? What about Allah? Allah decides what is Right and Wrong, and we as His servant should stick to what has been established. Even if you love someone, you have to base it on Allah. And not mere reasoning that she should accept me for who I am. She should accept me for who I am if I am worthy and manifest the Deen of Islam as much as possible. Because the Prophet SAW mentioned that the criteria for a good person in marriage is firstly the conception of religion in his/her mind and action.
2) If it is meant to be then it is meant to be sounds fallacious. To leave all matters to Allah also require right action. Leaving it to 'fate' or 'destiny' absent right action will of course beget to the denial of the bounties that he/she desires.
A sharing from what I have learnt in my Friday classes:
What was written as Destiny or Fate in the Book of Reality of God (or Loh Mahfuz) is beyond space and time, and thus, it is actually a book of possibilities where things that have yet to materialize are being manifested within what is known as 'the Mind of God' (which even Muslim theologians face some difficulties due to the lack of accurate words to express such abstract conception of God). That is why, when your niat is to do evil, but you didn't do it, you get a pahala. Because it has yet to be materialized yet. The intentions and actions that has already been determined by God in the Loh Mahfuz, will create paths of what will happen if you choose this or that.
For instance, if I have yet to learn to pray, and I just say, "I leave it to God to give me Taufiq and Hidayah" absent right action to choose and kick start the process of learning how to pray, then of course it is already predetermined that you won't receive his Guidance.
Same goes for Jodoh. If you feel that this person is the right one, but you simply say, "I leave it to God to decide", yes it is up to God to decide, but you must also choose correctly the path that you take so that the 'inclination' towards the choice in the future is there, with the thought in mind that Allah has all the Will to change it. But on his attribute of Mercy (Rahman) He will Provide, as long as you do not Deny Him (fabi ayyi alaa irabbikuma tukazziban).
Which is why the Prophet SAW mentioned to the Badawin to tie his camel when the Badawin said, "I am leaving this camel here and I let Allah decide."
It is the effort that we put in, the choices that we make, and only after that, we tawakkal to Allah, knowing with great belief, that Allah has the Power to Decide, and make things exist (Yasin: 82). But we try our best, and THEN we leave it to Allah. We hope, we ask, or 'munajat' to Allah, before we do it, during the action, and after it, that Allah guides our actions.
Which is why I believe that their situation is different compared to mine, and Yoko. Because I insist in my choices, that I love her for Allah. And I change to be a better person, because Allah loves those who are of Good Nature (Al-Fajr: 29-30), and that is my act in returning (raj'un) to Him.
And to me, marriage is another phase, for the husband and wife to further their knowledge of Allah.
Which is why I cannot find anyone better than Yoko :) her will to learn about Allah is amazing!
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