The distraught in my head.

The terror.

I feel so down.

I feel alone.

The pain of past haunts me yet again.

And now my pride and joy of being a commander is all gone like the wind- the injury that I had 2 mths back single-handedly killed my soul.

"Chao keng..." The look in those eyes of my men doubting my ability to lead again now my pride has gone. So far the only loyal one that never fades in my eyes, is just my beloved 2IC, my 2SAW Pte to be LCP Fahmi, my good friend Sufian MG Commander, 2SG Taufik my best buddy, and all time favourite till the end buddy Saifuddin who himself felt how i feel-he got himself injured during an exercise that fractured his right thumb.

Loyalty is getting slim. It is the pride of being a commander dat strived me to where i once have been. Now its all over.

Though i manage to capture the hearts of the clerks who would certainly help me to write a good testimonial for my ORD, and the few good soldiers who share the same fate as me- shunted aside though we fought many exercises for the company. Yet now its like game over for us. And im treated like not a commander now. But i braved the shores by still being there for my men, my platoon. Though i shunt myself away from my platoon mates, i seek shelter from the shadows, trying to close my eyes and tell myself that everything is going to be absolutely fine. I made plans, but not the right time yet to initiate. Now all i could do is wait, in a pool of disappointment, sadness.

I feel so used ryt now. Like a fucking prostitute. Not just at work. Even my best friend. Haish.

The anger in me is so huge. I let some of it out at farz, the fact that she couldnt calm my monster down and still never learnt the previous mistakes she has made and the many pacts and promises she have yet trying to uphold. I cannot blaim her for my own mistakes. It is I, and I alone. And so I know I have to solve this on my own.

As I venture in the darkness again, the old past haunts me. Its like dejavu- going through the motion of being used and taken advantaged of put me down to the deepest hallow.

I want to be brave. I need a friend. A friend that can pat me on the back and smile at me and say, hey, everything is going to be fine. Be strong.

I hate my encik. I have a plan to destroy him completely. He will know that messing around with his loyal soldier has its negative side to the situation.

Ryt now, i feel useless.

I need an instant, suprising shocking but happy cheering up ryt now.

(now that i say this, i wonder if anyone could bring me out for an ice cream)

I hate me. I hate. Hate. :((

help

Its coming back.. I could feel it.. Its been away for months.. Yea, the monster.. I could feel its coming, haunting me again.. I hate it when he went back to camp.. He kinda changed.. It was not like dis wen we were together for the months that he was home.. I could feel the difference.. He was that wadeva kinda man, albeit couldn't be bothered.. His words was sharp and cold.. I do feel terguris.. Perhaps its due to the probs he's facin at work.. Im tryin to be there for him.. I have been prayin that things will go well for him.. Tsk.. Its unlike the months he was at home.. I feel liberated.. We enjoyed each other's company, though we do have a few hiccups here and there.. But it was so blissful.. Till he went back.. N he went back to his old self.. Im trying hard to be there for him.. I knoe its hard, e probs he's facin in camp n all.. Yesterday, last nite was like gave me a synopsis.. Im beginning to feel and have the fear to face the monster again.. Its imminent coming.. Is it just me? Why can't i do wad he wants e to do.. Am i dat useless?.. Dat stupid?.. When things go wrong, i dunno how to react.. Dunno wad to say.. Dunno wad to do.. My mind suddenly feel like its empty.. The fear is there.. N im feelin scared.. Im feelin so useless rite now.... N i cant shake it away.. Oh God.... I won't fear if ur here wimme... =( Please dun let it happen... I pray n beseech u Almighty God.. Mama, help me pls?... I need u...

Tak ku rasakan lagi
Hangatnya rasa rindu
Tak ku rasakan lagi
Indahnya hidup ini
Telah habis rasa
Cinta di Hati
Yang menyelimuti diri

Tak kan lagi belai lembut tubuhmu
Tak kan lagi sentuhan bibir manismu
Tak kan lagi satu di dalam dirimu
Ku merindumu........

Oh kasihku dengarlah seruanku
Oh pintaku jangan lupakan diriku
Jadikanku kisah manis dalam hidupmu
Kau kekasihku......


God, I miss her so ever so much..

Hari raya has been a good and bad exp for the both of us. But be without fear dian, for our ultimate goal is more than this..

You will recover, and I promise you I will go there and see you..

I will.. abang promise..

Oh Allah, protect her.. :)

Eid Fitr

Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar..

Lailahailallahu Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar Wallillah Ilhamd..

Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar..

Allahuakhbar Kabirau Walhamdulillahikathirau Wasubahanallahibukratau Waasila..

Lailahailallah Hualaya'budu Ila Iya Humukhlisi Nalahuddin..

Walaukarihal Kafirun.. Lailahailallahhu ahda.. Sodaqowa'da.. Wanasarawa'abda..

Wa'ahazajundahu Waahzamalwahda..

Lailahaillahu Allahuakhbar.. Allahuakhbar Walilailhamd..

I woke up hearing the takhbir over the radio.. The day is finally here.. The holy month of Ramadhan has ended and Muslims are celebrating Eid Fitr.. Unlike others, i feel saddened and my heart feels heavy though its not the first time im celebrating Eid overseas.. This time round, i could really feel the difference.. Im saddened that Ramadhan is over.. Dunno why.. My Ramadhan was full of challenges.. There were times i couldnt fast cause i had to undergo treatment and hafta eat my medicines.. I feel sad that my Ramadhan has ended and knowing that i have not completed my fast.. The month of ibadah and atonement is over.. I pray that God has accepted the ibadah that i've done.. I pray that God will accept my din..

To my family, i would like to say my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for being there for me in this time of darkness.. I love you dad, mum, kak suz, kak ruz, abang arif, baby amir, baby amaar and lastly baby sheila.. You have brighten up my life.. Encouraging me to recover and be positive.. I will try to fight what im facing rite now..

Abang sayang.. Im sorry i cant celebrate Eid with you in Singapore.. I feel so alone here without you.. Im trying to be okae.. Im just so full of emotions now.. I miss you and love you sayang.. I know that you have done so much for me.. Praying in the middle of the night and reading the quran for me.. I love you so much sayang.. Though you can choose to live a life of your own, being with someone else who could be with you physically and yet we have stood strong for 7 months and insyallah more to come.. I cant express what im feeling for you.. If not for you abang, i think i wont be here anymore.. You gave me the strength and the will to carry on with life.. You have made my life complete.. God bless our love.. Abang, ampunkan ayang jikalau ada kesalahan andainya ayang tersinggung perasaan abang.. Sayang, send my regards to ur parents whom i haf regarded as my own, not forgetting abang hasanul, najiy and nasrun.. I love you and all..

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan..

Ku memohon keampunanmu dengan tangan yang penuh dengan dosaku..

Aku mohon ampun atas segala kesalahan yang telah ku lakukan..

Ya Allah, maafkan aku kerna mengatakan kau kejam semasa kau mengambil kembali

Ibu kandungku Allahyarhama Siti Sarah Abdullah @ Elena Emtrud Wilheim Guderian..

Maafkan aku kerna mengatakan kau kejam pabila kau memberikan aku kesakitan..

Terimalah keampunanku Ya Allah..

Andainya dikau hanya menerima keampunan hanya dari insan yang suci

Apa pula nasibku aku ini yang kerdil lagi daif..

Hanya kepada dikau ku sembah dan ku pinta pertolongan..

Ya Allah, telah banyak dikau kurniakan aku..

Kepandaian dan kebijaksanaan sehingga aku mencapai Ijazah Darjah Utama..

Rezki yang meluas yang aku gunakan untuk menolong mereka yang miskin..

Keluarga dan sahabat yang selalu meyayangi aku..

Cintaku yang suci dengan insanmu bernama Mohammad Hazlami..

Tetapi kesemuanya ini bukan milikku Ya Allah..

Ia pemberian dikau.. Milik dikau..

Telah aku rasai nikmat kebijaksaan, rezki, kesayangan dan cinta

Andainya kau ingin mengambilnya dari ku, aku redha Ya Allah..

Andainya kau inginku kembali bersamamu, aku redha Ya Allah..

Hanya ku pohon doa restu dan keampunanmu Ya Allah..

Aku redha Ya Allah...

Dian love Hazlami.. So much.. Now and forever..

Post Saddam Era.. How is Iraq now without Saddam?

December 29.. The date Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death? Firstly, i had a burning question in my mind.. And i think that each and every one of us should ask ourself..

First, should Saddam die? Let's weigh the justification of the death sentence.. The Vatican has even revealed that the Pope has condemned the death sentence given to the Iraqi court against Saddam Hussein.. The Pope reiterates that capital punishment such as death goes against the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.. Pope Benedict XVI’s prelate for justice related issues and a former Vatican envoy to the United Nations, commented that Saddam Hussein’s execution would punish "a crime with another crime" and expressed hope that the sentence would not be carried out..

Iraq’s highest court rejected Saddam's Hussein’s death appeal for the massacre of 148 people in Dujail, in northern Iraq, in 1982. The court sentenced that the former president is to be hanged within 30 days.. Contrary to popular belief that the death sentence was motivated and influenced by the hawks in the White House who is hell bent in getting vengeance.. This doesnt mean that all its administration staffs shared the same belief..

Former US Attorney General Ramsey Clark denounced the Iraq Special Tribunal's death sentences against Saddam Hussein in a press conference.. General Ramsey Clark served on Saddam Hussein’s defense team during the trial.. He warned that ter consequences of executions will create a multiplier effect causing greater violence thus worsening the situation in Iraq.. Saddam Hussein and his defendants were held under American custody at Camp Cropper, an American military prison near the Baghdad airport.. General Ramsey Clark commented that if Saddam and his defendants were turned over to the Iraqi authorities, they would face torture and death.. It is without doubt that the nature of the trial is biased..

Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki has repeatedly said that Saddam's execution must take place within that year.. It seems that the Iraqi law provides mandatory death sentenc to be carried out within fifteen days of the final judgment.. There was no attempt to prove that the recent trial was anything other than a staged trial.. As General Ramsey Clark said, it represented "victor's injustice, victor's justice being an oxymoron." The implications of execution are simply dire.. The Pentagon announced that violence in Iraq was at an all time high prior to the death sentence.. General Ramsey Clark also compared on the parallels between Vietnam and Iraq.. What a contrast.. Is it because the war was ideologically different? Vietnam war was about fighting communism.. While Iraq was a war of masculine chest-beating ego war against a Christian nation to a Muslim country?

Saddam Hussein collaborated with the United States in launching the 1980 war with Iran.. But then Saddam being the ego person he is, never subjected Iraq as a puppet government of the US unlike the regimes of Jordan, Kuwait or Saudi Arabia.. Was Saddam hanged because he stood up to US? Many claim that the US occupation was illegal and had no authority to try or convict Saddam.. It was waged without the UN mandate.. Some argue that real trials for "crimes against humanity" would have the Bush administration officials and Pentagon Generals as the defendants..

To the indigenous people of Iraq who were terrorized and imprisoned by Saddam Hussein, hate is a mild word when asked how one feels towards Saddam Hussein.. Some simply cannot erase from the memory of terror.. The sheer horror when there was an unexpected knock on the door or an unknown telephone call.. The biggest lesson Saddam taught was the existence of evil. For those who live in democratic and free countries, the concept of evil has purpotedly ''gone".. Much of the world is unable to understand because they have never experienced sheer evil.. This was Saddam.. His face was everywhere possibly erected.. Be it in the walls, billboards or statues.. He was everywhere even in your dreams..

In a Friday sermon, a Shiite Imam at a mosque in the Shiite holy city of Najaf describes the execution of Saddam as God's gift to Iraqis.. He said that Saddam has killed millions of Iraqis in prisons and in wars with neighbouring countries.. The preacher also says the former Iraqi leader is responsible for mass graves, and prays that God will take revenge on Saddam.. But we got to understand the current standoff between the Shiite and Sunni sects.. Under Saddam who is a Sunni, the Shiites were oppressed.. Sunni was favoured though they were a minority.. Now, the Shiites suddenly rediscover their voice and naturally used their freedom of speech..

Human Rights Watch however has a different take.. They viewed that the Iraqi government should not implement the death sentence against Saddam Hussein, which was imposed after a deeply flawed trial for crimes against humanity.. It was first reported by an Iraq’s national security adviser that they should have conducted a thorough legal review of the verdict and then announced its findings.. Imposing the death penalty, indefensible in any case, is especially wrong after such unfair proceedings.. That a judicial decision was first announced by Iraq’s national security advisor underlines the political interference that marred Saddam Hussein’s trial..

The trial only builds the belief of the Iraqi Sunnis who loved Saddam that Saddam Hussein was not given a fair trial and that Saddam died as a matyr..

The United Nations opined that every appeal judgment taken up by the courts of law should be a lengthy and complex decision making process that requires careful study.. There were a number of concerns as to the fairness of the original trial, and there is a need to assure that these issues have been comprehensively addressed..

The Prime Minister of Italy Romano Prodi: "While I don't want to minimize the crimes committed by Saddam Hussein, and the ferocity with which he governed during his regime, and while respecting the autonomy and legitimacy of Iraq institutions, I must express the Italian government's, and my personal, firm opposition to the death sentence."

I would like to say that i envy those western nations who stood up against the US and differs their view from them.. It is just the opposite of what we Muslims perceived.. It is not necessarily true that all western christians plot together to subject the world under them.. Least, what the EU, UN has done was commendable.. But their hands were tied to stop the US adamant attitude towards Iraq..

Personally, I believe that Saddam Hussein did not receive a fair trial.. His execution is a war crime and an act of murder.. Why should I believe any of the claims made against Saddam Hussein when nearly every claim used to justify the invasion of Iraq have all proven to be false? There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.. Saddam Hussein never conspired with the al-Qaeda terrorists who planned the World Trade Center attacks.. Iraq was never a threat to America.. It is simply a weak nation after the economic embargoes that the UN Security Council imposed on.. Lastly, what threat does the US faced from Iraq? Its military though one of the largest in the Middle East is in shambles and incapable of defending itself.. Unlike its other neighbours such as those friendly to the US who has supremacy in military power and Iran who indigeneously build up its own modern armed forces.. Can you see this perceived threat that the US has protrayed to its Middle East allies? Who benefits in the end? The US of course.. I also do not believe that Americans who backed the war above and beyond the lies that justified the war really cared about freeing the Iraqi people.. The court established by the United States military occupation of Iraq is also illegal and has no jurisdiction to prosecute anyone. It’s a sham, so much so that everyone knew Saddam Hussein would be convicted and sentenced to death..

When the judge at the court expressed sympathies for Saddam Hussein, he was immediately removed, which also proves that the purpose of the court, like the purpose of the Iraq invasion, was never about justice or rights, but about politics.. Saddam Hussein should be prosecuted before the International Criminal Court in the Hague where other international leaders have been charged, prosecuted and convicted on the powerful foundation of the International Rule of Law.. Or, brought before an International Tribunal set up under the auspice of the United Nations as was Slobodan Milosevic..

Saddam Hussein was not sent to the Hague, nor was an International tribunal convened because Bush cannot guarantee a conviction or death sentence there.. It might also open questions about Bush’s conduct of inquiry in Iraq.. If Saddam Hussein can be prosecuted for quelling a rebellion against his regime, cannot President Bush therefore be prosecuted for violating international law? Why should American soldiers in Iraq face war crimes charges be held accountable but not Bush? I believe far more war crimes have been committed in Iraq, but we have only chosen to prosecute those that are unavoidable and clear for all to see.. What about the BlackWater Securities which is a private security agency that kills civilians in an apparent "misfire"? There is also one more legal issue that is being ignored by the court in Baghdad.. If we are to accept the assertions that the war in Iraq is legal, then Saddam Hussein SHOULD be a prisoner of war.. His murder is a violation of the Fourth Geneva Conventions, that we have already ignored in the US conduct in torturing and mistreatment other prisoners.. Regardless, sentencing Saddam Hussein to death is a violation of international law.. But killing him is an immoral act tantamount to murder.. All of these violated principles and laws may one day come back to haunt us as Americans..

The timing of the death sentence was also carried out in a stupid way.. It was done before the start of the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha.. The Iraqi officials have said that their government would be loath to carry out an execution during the Eid festival, and have suggested that it would not take place until the holiday ends next week.. Perhaps it was pressured by the US to hasten his death sentence.. According to Iraqi laws, the convicted person has the right to see family within 24 hours before the death sentence was carried out.. Saddam Hussein said good-bye to his two brothers.. This makes sense from a security perspective.. Hang Saddam before the Eid al-Adha holiday begins under the cover of darkness and then unexpectedly announce it at dawn..

Other than that.. If Saddam Hussein murdered civilians in 1982, then why is Donald Rumsfeld, representing President Reagan, shaked hands with Saddam in 1983? The Reagan administration and its special Middle East envoy, Donald Rumsfeld, did little to stop Iraq developing weapons of mass destruction in the 1980s, even though they knew Saddam Hussein was using chemical weapons "almost daily" against Iran..

BUT WHY THE DISCREPANCIES NOW?

US support for Baghdad during the Iran-Iraq war as a bulwark against Shi'ite militancy has been well known for some time, but using declassified government documents, the Washington Post provided details in 2002 about Mr Rumsfeld's role, and about the extent of the Reagan administration's knowledge of the use of chemical weapons.. Furthermore, in 1988, the Dow Chemical company sold $1.5m-worth (£930,000) of pesticides to Iraq despite suspicions they would be used for chemical warfare. Hyprocrisy at its best?

Saddam's death will only serve to polarize more moderate Muslims.. It will not make them fear the US, England or Israel even more so..

Islamic terrorists embrace death.. They do not fear it.. So who is the US punishing?

What distinguishes military from the Islamic terrorists that we fight is the military cherishes life.. Yes, in war the military can be more barbaric using pyschops as good if not better than the enemy by hanging blood dripping heads on wooden sticks.. But is it appropriate to place Saddam's head on a wooden stick then? Will video of his hanging decrease conflict or increase it in the Middle-East? If it is so, it backfired.. the video showed the deathmen tounting him, cursing him, being rough with him, even spitting at him.. This is not justice.. It is revenge and vengeance..

Isnt it better that Saddam died of a heart attack, AIDS, a stroke or other "natural causes" in jail.. It worked for Yasser Arafat, it could work for Saddam Hussein isnt?..
George?.. Tsk3.. You're a naughty naughty boy..

Hurhur.. Do i make a good defence lawyer? Do i?! Do i?! =p

Dian loves Hubby Haz and makes him proud! Muacks1!