The past, present and future

Im mugging like i've never mug in my life. Im on fire.

God, and i can feel the tiredness already. Come on haz, jia you!

My stewpig bandmates just told me yesterday im invited to perform at the ACS hostel for sum youth carnival thing. And im supposed to memorise SWING SWING by the ALL AMERICAN REJECTS in 24 hours. Goodness.

I hate bout this shit. Everytime got performance, amek sambil lewa je. Last2 min baru kelam kabut. Siot.

Oh, about the study thing. Ryte.

Yesterday i had a heart to heart talk with mummy and daddy. Alot was said bout where i shud go after A level and wad im supposed to become in the next few years.

TO tell you the truth, i don't have much ambition, for i always adopt this prinsip of "Live today, die tomorrow" thing. Shessh.

Then i made a decision.

1) Biotechnology sounds cool, you get to research cool stuff.
2) If cannot, then Chemical Engineering. PErhaps to the Down Under shall i take this course, its better there, i get to explore.
3) If realli cannot, then Arts and Social Science.
4) If not, then Malay Language, then can take pHD then become ahli falsafah melayu, fuyoh. Then can open my own theatre company, a dream i share with my uncle Cik Joe Lazarie Rachmat (namer nak glamour, padahal setakat Zahari Buang, hampeh!)

Its either the UK or Australia im inclined to. Its so enriching to globalise and be Malay merchants. Once i got an engineering degree, i wanna work in DUBAI or BAHRAIN or QATAR where the wealth of all Arabia is. Then i can live happily ever after.

Sound utopic? Hahahahaha, kater org, no dream, jual karipap bawah block sua haha.

I wanna mug. Who wants to study wimme? I promise i wun talk too much haha. Like REAL!

Hasta prontos.

nothing interesting.

erm, just thinking.

erm.

Nvm.

Rahsia di hati tiada siapa yg tahu..

Moving on

Im cracking up.

Im feeling numb.

Those words hurt me like shit.

'Ineffective..'

I cudnt sleep, cudnt eat, and perhaps so, i now really wish im taken to the ambulance and into the hospital. I wud rather live the rest of my life there alone.

Wanna say thx you, you know who you are, for being there for me.

I want a solitude life. Let it be.

Oh, about last friday, i had a great time. Although it takes alot of shit to face your fear, i did it. And i had a fun time, full of laughter, thx to Aish and Nise.

GOtta jam a few more. We realli need to practice. 5 songs in a row? wth.

Anybody wanna watch a preview? Tell me ya.

Hasta prontos.

PS: I feel like shit. Help.

Qualities to be my charmed princess

Preety?

Charming?

Perhaps, BEAUTIFUL?

But..

If you are given a life time opportunity..

Wanna be my charm princess???

Look at the pic above ya.
Do YOU have the preety sweety bubblicious face like her?

Introduction. This gurl's name is Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson.
Born in 15 April 1990.

Lawa tak?? AKu tau dier lawa. Haha.

Dan guess wad? I still have the guts to say i like her still hohoho.

Dat xplains the pinky stuff and the msn nick hoho.
To tell you the truth, the song i put on my blog is actually affiliated to her.

WHY?? Cuz i was busily going thru the net during sec 2 and saw her in the net, and i WAS hearing to EVERGREEN. Brings back the good old nerdie days of mine.

Back to the question.

Do you wanna be like her??
I like...

1) Fair skin, kalo putih sangat tu berpenyakit muahaha.. Tapi kalau flawless tu power beb.
2) Rambut. Hair. Must be curly. If not curly, nevermind. GOt technology. haha. Oh ya, did i mention 'brown' hair? I like...
3) EYES. A big factor. Sparkling ones are the best. Take a gd look at emma. She has this superb shining eyes. Tk kesah besar atau kecik. Sepet? hmm.. boleh lar..
4) Lips. Must be natural. Pink is fine. Luscious is far better.
5) Smile. SWEEEEEEET smile are the best, always make my day!
6) Size. Not that im against fat ladies, but i dun like toooo thin or tooo thick. But kalau ade sikit besar dari aku lagi best. Makes me secure hohoho.
7) Eyebrows. NO CUKUR2 ARH. Natural is the best. Must go fine with the eyes.
8) Ears. Small is cute. Bleh gigit hoho.
9) Soft skin. Kalau pegang tangan dier bleh melt. Melts in the hand, not in the mouth.
10) Height. NO TALL GURLS PLS. Accept those lesser than 170cm. Lebih dari itu aku saran potong kaki hoho. Jahat.

All is listed. Get your forms now if you wanna be my charmed Princess.
Terms and conditions applied.

Prizes are, you get a loving person in return who would lavish you with all kinds of weird and not weird stuff. Stand a chance to get FREE poems all night long, and what's more. You stand to win a Lullaby Bird who can sing you songs to beautiful slumbers. Not to forget, you'll be loved beyond your wildest dreams.

So get your forms now! Limited time only.

=)

PS: Im going gogo gagas at the sight of this pic.

One word to describe last night.

MAGICAL.

Another word to add.

TIRING.

I love concerts.

Aku ade raser cam nk blaja lagi arh.

Babi basted nyer otak. Asl lar ko bongok sgt, CRV kan senang, sal lar ko asek teflip flop concept dier.

Tadi LRT betol nyer setan ah. Dahlah aku keluar umah ngah happy mood skali pi rosak plak. Nasib baik ade kemudahan seperti bus.

bus 3rd ader lar muahahaha.

Entah kenape niari aku cenggini. Mungkin pasal tk cukop tido lar ehk. Ape topik nak bebual ar?

Aku raser cam nk post sajak ar, tapi tkde masa lar ehk.

AKu cumer nak cakap aku SYG mak aku, dierlah matair aku seumur hidop muahaha(ni dah lain jeeerr). Tima kaceh atas sumbangan anda membekalkan aku roti sandwich muahaha.

Bapak aku pon lah. Malulah nk ckp aku syg bapak aku, tapi action speak better den words haha. Bapak aku ngah sakit beb. Mak aku pon, abeh aku camaner?? inilah mase2 yg aku tk faverut.

Takde lauk kalau lapar, takde disiplin untuk nak blaja psl mak sebok ngan kepala dier tk marah aku hoho.

Dah lamer tk bebual ngan abang aku. Entah camaner dier. (eh, lain kali jgn pakai namer aku kalo ko nk pon army. Mampuih aku kalo doghang tau aku ngah main CS sementare dorang ingat aku pat spital huhu)

Aku nk makan roti mak aku lah. Cao.

PS: Hey baby, thx for the chocolate!! I lurrrrvve it muahaha. Made my day, wheeeeee!!

PS1: AKu ni otak ngah senget sikit. Eh, tag lar bebende yg bleh didiskus, bengap lar gini.

PS2: AKu nk beli hahahahahahahaha. Tk klakar lah.

Multi-racialism among Singaporean Citizens? I dun think so..

We had a talk just now by this 'mama' (hahaha) speaker which i believe is very useful. The topic was the racial harmonic status of Singapore. As presumed, all the blabbering of the 'good old days' and such, and not to mention, the crude yet funny stereotypes on races puts the blues to my mind.

However, i must agree to his stand that, 'we need to recognizr symptoms, and the root of the problem.'

By recognizing and differentiating these differences, and not putting value to the so-called logical categorising syllagism, and not being self-checklists, then Singapore can assume to be achieved the harmonic status.

Its all bout the emphasization of different races, for example, the Chinese encouraged wealth and power, while Malays encourage family bonding and make kids. These stated values prove to be a tremendous difficulty to be an understand by the common people. However, with the right policies, and also the right education, not only from the government, but the parents as well, our generation can tell the difference between 'nasi goreng' and 'mee goreng' muahaha..

Oh bother.

Back to my life. Ms Sabariah gave me this card when i was claiming my MC, she wrote words like, 'never run away from your fears' and 'shrouded by dark clouds.'

Three words for her. I LOVE YOU!!

That's really sweet, makes me smile the WHOOOOLE day, hehehe.

Anyways, gotta say sumting.

To yours truly,

It was a theory, for heavens sake! It was discussed by my schoolmates, he was experiencing that kind of thing, and we just come together and created this theory.

I gave the logic senses, on HIS account. Not ours, seriously.

I still remember the time we met. Still missed that moment. And I UNDERSTAND, seriously.

I know it was a total flop, as aLOT and i mean ALOT of factors came rushing. The reason for the destruction?? We weren't strong enough. I didn't expect it to happen, really, and i just wanna say, i still can't put it behind me. And i wasn't experienced enough, it was my first time in love.

I understand how it feels like. And to tell you the truth, it still blardy hurting my brain. Im thinking to much. Its nobody's fault, how you say its her fault, but its not. Its my fault. I shudn't have asked her, or do wadever, i shud have trusted you. Im wronged. I was feeling totally insecure. I didnt know what happen, i was in the dark, i was frustrated, with school, with problems at home and not to include myself. I was in the dark, sha.

And i tell ya, its really scary to be alone. But now, i learnt that everybody will go down solitary path someday, be it in the grave or such sort. I was fighting a battle i knew i was losing. And i was depending on you too much, i expected too much.

Dun blame her sha, but blame me. Me. Its not her fault. Not that im siding her coz she is my best fren, but seriously, im the one to be blamed.

Forgive me.

I shall find my way soon. Pls forgive me. I wun expect any chances to be given to me again. I hope you forgive me.

Hasta pronto.

PS: i wanted to email you, but it seems my stopid sch com sux.=(

Half-Blood Prince on the loose..

I might consider myself to be the Half-Blood Prince, in a way, haha..

To those HARRY POTTER fans out there, im glad dis time the book isn't a flop, is G.R.E.A.T!!

I finished the book last night, Sunday, @11.30pm, in tears and emotionally distressed.

Why must HE die!!!???!!! Goodness, and to think that Harry left Ginny cuz he must take a path of solitudeness to do what he must, was a kind of thing i wud call NOBLE.
Worth a Gryffindor.. Wish i was in that kind of world..

"Love is magic.." so says Dumbledore, the only thing that differentiates Harry and Voldemort (ohhh, i shudder at that name.. Say it again?? Hahaha)

And WHY must my dear sweet HERMIONE BE WITH RON????? Goodness me.

Well, the ending was a really touchy one. Made me cry, and worst, made me dream of it over and over again. Speaking of which, i promised myself that no more dream telling to people, i guess its a kind of thing God wishes only me to know. Haish.

Speaking of which, again, I WAS THE NUMBER 2 IN THE LINE!!! That makes me the, uh, 2nd person in SINGAPORE TO GET HOLD OF it, muahaha!!

Never did any homework, or study, just me, the EVERGREEN-WESTLIFE song stuck in my brain, and the book. Nice..

I haven been in touch with a lot of people lately. Hmm, i wonder why.

My father said something bout me when i was busily reading, truly impervious to all sides of sorts. He said like, the word 'Hak' when i was erm, lets just imagine me as a fish out of the water, and sounding like a torn apart radio with a 'Hak'-king sound repeatedly. He says, according to his wise thinking, that i was saying 'God is the truth'. Which made me, according to him, a dead zombie at last mengakui keadaan Tuhan.

That scared me alot. With all the check-ups and more bad news, i pretty much need a good BIG hug. Yeah.

Speaking of which, i was thinking of someone when i was listening to the EVERGREEN song while reading the book. SHe suddenly appeared in my mind out of nowhere. That really hurt me alot. Seriously.

But i thot of a theory that seemed to xplain my cannot-get-you-outta-my-head situation.

THe fact that i gave my whole heart to her, and that caused me to lose all that was there, when she left with the other guy. The theory explains that when the space is empty, the person perhaps may feel empty, and to him or her, it is impossible to gain back what has lost. However, if it is shared by another being, in which the person is willing to give all that she cud to the person, then he would probably hear his heart beating again.

Total sincerity. Thats wad the person needs. Love= sincerity = friendship = trust = hope = true persistance = commitment = joy.

Only when there exists all those variables up there, then pure love is obtained.

And i believe, everybody has the chance to do it.

And as you know, im a person of forgiving and chance-giver. Whatever that is given, i take, and make the best out of it.

But somehow, i made a worst out of it. Lord, forgive me.

Still sad over the death of Harry's favourite teacher. But guess, its just meant to be. Perhaps, i find a common issue between me and Harry. He seemed to get all the luck he cud get, which probably xplains why im still here typing away. I hope somebody make me a prophecy, and like what Dumbledore says in the book, "It is you that makes the prophecy true."

The quote of the day?? "Never underestimate the ups and downs of love. Its natural. Who lnows? You get back to the person you love again."

And im willing to give it a chance, if the person is keen to do it too. If not, then i wud take the second option = to find someone who can give me her heart.

PS: I still miss you, no matter what. =)

Im in to reply to the person who tagged me, woah, panjang nk mati siot.

Nk ckp syarahan, bukan, tapi nevertheless, thx veri much man. It made me realise alot. Seriously. And im not angry or mad at you or anything. Seriously. I feel blessed that you tagged me. Thank you. I hope we can meet each other, talk things bout life and stuff liddat.

Frankly speaking, im lost. I admit it. But like you said, im young, and now, i have my father's words. He promised me, if there is still a breath in him, he will guide me to the path of siratullmustaqim.

I wanna quote something from the quran. Its the Fatehah verse.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

In the name of God, the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan semesta alam.
Yang Maha Pengasih Lagi Maha Penyayang.
Yang Menguasai hari pembalasan.
Hanyalah kepadamu kami menyembah, dan padamu kami mohon pertolongan.
Tunjukkanlah kami kejalan yang lurus.
Jalan org2 yang kau beri ni'mah.
Bukan jalan mereka yang kau murkai.
Dan bukan pula jalan mereka yang sesat.

Isk. Tears are in my eyes now. Not knowing that i have actually gone far from God.

And the incident that my mum describe it as 'near death' or 'sakaratul maut kecil' made me realise how much God loves me. Its as though he wants me to realise something.

Admit it man, i must say i haven had the courage to accept my ujian. my test. And to prove it, i shooted and had bad things in my mind yesterday. The sifat DENGKI, nafsu amarah tubbissuk in me overwhelms.

But now, and yesterday, after a heart-to-heart talk with daddy, i finally have the courage to lift my head up high.

He said, "Orang yg bersabar itulah yg Allah sayang. Kalau Tuhan nak naikkan darjat atau muliakan seseorang tu, Dia boleh jatuhkan, golek-golekkan dan byk lagi ke atas kita. Dalam ujian itulah engkau harus sabar. Ingat, LA' HAULAWALA KUUWATA I'LLA BILLA..

Inilah penyerahan yg sebenar-benarnya. Seolah2 kita tak ada daya untuk berbuat apa saja. Kau tengok doa keluar tandas, 'Allah yg mensucikan...' Kua tengok, kalau kiter pikir, malulah, yak usah ckp besar kita pandai. Tuhan sendiri sucikan kita lah. Istinjakkan kitalah.

Perjalanan sufi memang banyak cobaan. Tengok Rabiatul Adawiyah. Tengok Sheikh Abdul Kadir Al Jailani. Kesusahan mereka untuk mencari kebenaran, untuk mendekatkan diri kepada Allah.

Tuhan mencipta kita daripada sekecil zarah yg Zat Allah pinjamkan, dan dari zat itulah keluar perkataan KUN, keluarlah bumi, bintang, langit, angkasa. Betapa MAHA BESARNYA Dia.

Kita kene steady aje, kalau hadapi ujian. Minta kepada Allah, kerana setiap kesusahan ada kesenanganNya."

Dats wad he said. In surah Al-Insyirah ada diungkapkan, 'Innama'al us'ri yusra". Setiap kesusahan ada kesenangan. Dan inilah janji Tuhan.

Akanku lalui perjalanan ini sekali lagi dengan hati yg tabah. Harap pintaan maaf kepada mereka yg ku telah berbuat dosa.

Tetapi satu je yg aku tak agree ngan tagger tu. I DO think about others, even if not always, but most of my CLOSEST frens will noe that.

Never judge a person by his blog.. for sometimes, the thing that he says never comes from his heart, but rather in a place call NAFSU or AKAL.

Till then, hasta pronto.

apologies...

sincere apologies to all whom i have offended.

Whatever

Sometimes i wonder, whether dreams, goals, visions, are something for us.

Sometimes i wonder, whether dreams do come true, and most people might say, that if you wanna achieve your dreams, you have to work hard to get it.

Did I work hard? You betcha.

After all the long hours they finally put me out of the drama.

Nevermind. If it's because of MY condition, then i shud say, well, my passion for theatre still burns.

I'll prove to all the buggers that despite of MY condition, aku tetap mampu berlakon.

Not in matinee dramas, but big BANGSAWAN and DRAMA PURBA plays. Perhaps even with IKAMATRA, or even with the big boys or my uncle, who apparently is one of the bangsawans in Singapore.

Its alright, im ok, i think GOD can explain..

Well, so i've heard loads of rumours bout me in school after my long absentism.
..
..
...
....
Oh well, lets just say its a NICE comment. Not to mention the kind of 'weak' attempts they make to make me confess how 'hard' its like to have this 'weak heart'.

Ok, i tell.

SO WHAT if i have a sick heart.
SO WHAT if im sick.

SO WHAT?

What? Why must i go thru dis shit again? Arent they convinced that im still capable enuf to run 2.4km? That i passed my NAPFA test, and yet, i do not need to go for an extra month at BMT?
That im capable enuf to stand on my on two FREAKIN feet, work to support myself and my family, yet still study in school?

Have i not mention that im sick? Yes, i just did that.

So WHAT?

This is ridiculous. So now you're telling me, that dreams cannot come true if a person isnt CAPABLE enuf?

Now im realli sad. Definitely. Not just disappointed, but heartbroken as well.

I made a wrong decision in life. Remember dis now.

Never expect people to accept you for WHO you are. They'll eventually chuck you out of their lives.

Oh forget it. Ya Tuhan.

Oh, i just talk to ANOTHER person. She apparently mentioned that aku fall sick in every major event. Haha.

In spite of recent events, I wun be myself anymore. No more smiling. No more laughing. Just crude lil sad missipo me.

PS: I hope u're alright sofia. Somehow, i feel i share the same kind of treatment with you. No more panadols for you ya. (for ur info, sofia is a fren i met in the HOSPITAL, she ate 8 panadols str8)

And thx, nad and gang, mum and dad, and most big hug to ABANG and LIL BROTHERS for making me happy thruout all my 17 years in this cruel world.

Do i sound pathetic? i think so. But i DON'T NEED your SYMPATHY.

Blargh.. =(

Sometimes, you can't make it, on your own.. (U2) oh, i need a hug.

Am i a scientist?

Or so he claims.

If you would see properly, haz is writing in english.

Kiaho??

Dunno why.

Im blogging from school. darn computer. my internet service ader disruption sikit, so cam siak ah tak dapat download lagu ngan bebarang dari IVLE skola.

School is fun, gradually.

Much must be said today. Cuz i've been doing alot of thinking dis past few days.

Soalan cepu emas yg pertama:

Adakah diriku ini dipergunakan oleh orang?

Soalan cepu emas yg kedua:

Kemana arah harus ku tuju?

Soalan cepu emas yg ketiga?

Kemana perginya diriku yg sebenar?

Tiap2 hari Ahad ngan Jumaat aku pegi majlis2 maulid ngan tahlil ngan yaasin dan sebagainya, namun, hati ini masih mencari2 persoalan2 ini.

Atok sebelah datok aku baru meninggal, cerita dier panjang tapi bleh buat org emo. Aku raser, kematian itu berpada2 dan harus ku letak di dalam setiap nadi.

Cintaku kepada Tuhan dan Muhammad semangkin pudar.. Mengapa?

Adakah aku kekurangan berzikir, bertahmid, bertahlil, berselawat atau ngaji?

Adakah aku ini anakyg durhaka terhadap ibu bapanya?

Kerana ku dapat rasa keakhiran ku tiba, dan ku tidak rasa selesa seperti dahulu.

Setiap mata pelajaran yg ku telaah tidak dapat dicerna dengan baik.

Setiap pergerakan ku dipenuhi dengan kecelaan, ketidakpuasan dan rasa gelisah dan sedih.

Mengapa ya Tuhan..?

Dahulu jika aku bersendirian aku rasa lega kerna dapat bersamaMu, sekarang aku selalu rasa tidak puas, seolah2 ingin bersama teman kerabat, atau kekasih pujangga idaman..

Dahulu, jika ku dapat markah yg rendah untuk mata pelajaran, perasaan marah meluap2, skrg, cm relaaaaak je..

Haish. Kebahgiaan tidak sempat ku kecapi. Sebelum mengakhir kalam ini.
Kalau diikutkan hati, aku nak gi luar negeri, jauh dari kaum kerabat dan keluarga mencari sesuatu yg indah.

Oh ya, aku ada sesuatu untuk disampaikan kepada seseorang.

Saudara,

Soalan pertama adalah untuk dikau menjawab bagi pihak aku bila Tuhan Rabbul Allamin tanya di akhirat kelak. Jawablah. Kerna hati ini masih tidak puas.

Soalan kedua adalah untuk diriku sendiri, dan ku dapat rasakan jawapannya sudah ku lihat, cuma belum difahami.

Soalan terkahir terletak kepada semua. Jika anda tahu, sila beritahu saya ya?
Kerna aku perlu persoaln2 ini dijawab.



I need a hug... caaaan?

Baby, if u're reading to dis, not dat im being racist to ya for writing in malay, nxt tyme i learn chinese i write in HANYU PIYIN ya?? haha.. Thx for the gift, i really lurve it very much, makes me smile and jump jump jump!

Give me some time, give us some time, all i ask from u baby, is to be patient, for i must find myself and give u the haz that u need. Saying the three words to ppl is a tough job to me, for i was once fooled by it, and it hurt me bad, real bad. Perhaps its not the tym yet. My **** is with god, prophet muhammad, my family and frens. For you... wait for me ya... miss ya..

Yours truly
Your lil monkey