I met Izhar the other day after work and we suddenly pored our heart-felt crap to each other and spend 3 hours talking about life.

It is a moment, for I have never seen Izhar like this before.

He too, just like me, wear masks to hide our pain, and just live our life laughing and have fun.

He asked me a qn, whether shud he tell that person whom is gonna be married soon, abt how he feels for her.

I told him, "don't be like me bro. I didn't have the chance to say what I feel to dian. Don't make the same mistakes as I do. In my life, I have never regretted what I've done. Usually, I'd shun it all away, cuz I believe I do things for a reason. But now im regretting for the first time in my life, not able to tell what I feel to that one person who made me believe that indeed love is friendship after all. And so, tell her dude."

Den what if she has a sudden change of heart for me?

"Its not up to you to decide jodoh but Allah. You have nothing to lose dude. Most probably she'd go on with her life, but at least you did tell her what you feel, so you can move on much faster."

Now im beginning to understand the terms of redha.

My mum use to advice dian on the phone when she was sick. She told her,"Cakap, Ya Allah, aku rasa sakit ya rabbi, tapi aku redha atas perbuatanMu."

So what does redha actually mean?

Full submission of will?

Emptying all possible reasons, and logics, and feelings, and submit it all to the Mighty Lord?

It is said in the Quran, Surah ALFatehah.

"Iyya kana' budu wa iyya kanas tai'n."

Which means, "To you I submit and pray, and only to You I seek mercy and help."

And so it continues to a doa, which says, "Show us to the guided way of siratul mustaqim. The way of the people whom You give ni'mah. Not the way of those whom You despise. And not the way of those whom are lost."

So what is this siratul mustaqim?

The way of those whom Allah SWT give ni'mah?

And to whom does ALLAH give ni'mah? And what kind of ni'mah?



Certainly im not among those people. For I feel pain, and this is not ni'mah.

I am lost, and so guide me like a shepherd guiding his lamb oh Mighty Lord.

This is dian's poem written for me.

From: Farzanna Zainal (cerca_trova_farz@hotmail.com)

Add contact

Sent:

07 September 2007 21: 49PM

To:

emma_watson15eva@hotmail.com

When I think of you
I think bout our love
When the earth bloomed with spring
Where the sky seemed so white
And the misty dew of the morning lay still
Oh, and i'll remember this
And I always will..

Why is there more new lovers now
Feelin funkin high
Doing what we would have done
For i know that i love you
And it's a part of me and you..

Lo' you lovers, wherever you're
I pray that you'll stay true
For i've been thru' what you're goin thru'
I've been in love like you..

Dont fake, be who you're and follow your star
Be brave, faithful and true,
Love one another, like you've never love before
I've been in love like you..

Savour the night and indulge yourselves
Go into a romantic trance
Why is love so beautiful and true?
For it's one of God's handiwork
Oh don't cry you lovers, just dont be
Don't cry because because i'm alone
Well cant you see that im happy tonite
I've had my share of love..
I've had a love of my own..
And i will love him so...

Facing my demons

FENG -MAPLE by Jay Chou

wu yun zai wo men xin li ge xia yi kuai yin ying
Dark clouds cast a patch of shadow over our hearts

wo ling ting chen ji yi jiu de xin qing
I listen closely to the feelings that have long been silenced

qin xi tou ming
Distinct and transparent

jiu xiang mei li de feng jing
Just like a beautiful landscape

zong zai hui yi li cai kan de qing
That can only be clearly seen in one’s memories

bei shang tou de xin neng bu neng gou ji xu ai wo
Can a heart that’s been thoroughly wounded keep on loving me?

wo yong li qian qi mei wen du de shuang shou
I work hard to pull up a pair of warmth-less hands

guo wang wen rou
A gentleness that came and went

yi jing bei shi jian shang suo
Has already been locked by time

zhi sheng hui san bu qu de nan guo
All that’s left are grievances that cannot be waved apart

huan huan piao luo de feng ye xiang si nian
Longing is like a maple leaf, slowly drifting downwards

wo dian ran zhu guang wen nuan sui mo de qiu tian
I ignite a candle to warm this year-end’s autumn

ji guan lue duo tian bian
The aurora steals the horizon

bei feng lie guo xiang ni de rong yan
The north wind flits across, thinking of your appearance

wo ba ai xiang cheng le luo ye
I think of love as a falling leaf

que huan bu hui shu xi de na zhang lian
But I cannot trade back that familiar face

huan huan piao luo de feng ye xiang si nian
Longing is like a maple leaf, slowly drifting downwards

wei he wan hui yao gan zai dong tian lai zhi qian
Why does this retrieval have to happen before winter comes?

ai ni chuan yue shi jian
My love for you transcends time

liang hang lai zi qiu mo de yan lei
Two lines of tears that fell for the end of autumn

rang ai shen tou le di mian
Has let love completely permeate the surface of the earth

wo yao de zhi shi ni zai wo shen bian
The only thing I want is for you to be at my side

bei shang tou de xin neng bu neng gou ji xu ai wo
Can a heart that’s been thoroughly wounded keep on loving me?

wo yong li qian qi mei wen du de shuang shou
I work hard to pull up a pair of warmth-less hands

guo wang wen rou
A gentleness that came and went

yi jing bei shi jian shang suo
Has already been locked by time

zhi sheng hui san bu qu de nan guo
All that’s left are grievances that cannot be waved apart

zai shan yao piao yi de hong yu
That rain of red floating halfway down between the mountains

sui zhe bei feng diao ling
Is scattered with the north wind

wo qing qing yao ye feng ling
I gently sway the windchime

xiang huan xing bei yi qi de ai qing
Attempting to awaken an abandoned love

xue hua yi pu man le di
Snowflakes have already covered the ground

shen pa chuang wai feng ye yi ji cheng bing
Dreading that the maple leaves outside the window have turned to ice

This song is dedicated in loving memory of my dear Dian Farzanna. The first email we had as a couple. And like Faiza say, I have to let it all go. And so, I will take the first step now, to really face everything that I lost.

FYI, this email was typed when I was in Taiwan for a Brigade Exercise, for a month.

>From: "Muhammad Hazlami Zawawi" 
>To: cerca_trova_farz@hotmail.com
>Subject: hello ayang!
>Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2007 11:55:52 +0800
>
>Abang here, typing in sum burn out place 15m away from heng choon camp
>gate. Alot of chinese here, even the internet is in chinese!! wth?!!? must
>use my ultra brains to navigate myself into the system haha. Clever eh..
>
>I found out that i got hooked up with this drink, i dunno its name its all
>written in mandarin, but its like this chocolate tea tarik drink and its
>superbly nice (n its the only thing that doesnt make me puke). Other than
>that, Im slacking my time off on bed playing psp, or playing soccer, go for
>runs, or basically, sleeping, reading and gossiping haha, guys are like a
>bunch of gurls, only rougher, when they got bunch up together haha.
>
>Its suppose to be lunch nw, but abg nt eating, scared already (i dun trust
>this NSmen cooks, for all u noe they spit in ur food and smoke while
>cooking, wiping their sweat off and beads of that yucky salt water just
>mixed in the rice bowl haha, im just exaggerating hehe)
>
>Ayang, don't be stressed up kae. Abg doing fine here, so don;t worry too
>much kae. I understand, u have been a very concerned and caring girlfriend
>i have ever had. (fyi, never have my other gf done this before like msging
>me to ask me whether im ok or not, they only want me to msg them, mcm babu
>haha). Youre the best honey!
>
>Ayang, i miss you so so so so so so somuch! Thinking of you day n night.
>Everytime i'll be like lookin at my hp whether u msg me or not, bt even if
>u do, i must control myself nt to msg u too often, its too exp dear, abg
>boleh pokai ah. NOt that abg dowan to msg u tau, i always wan to, but we
>exercise control together kae darling? Muacks!
>
>Abang lookin forward to RnR, and went we go to the big towns to relax, n
>shopping, i wanna get u sumting v special, must go in n out to find it
>hehe. Then went u fetch me, i can give it to u, n i hope you'll be very
>happy to see me when i come back. Ayang, i realli hope u come n fetch me,
>abg already tell momi n dadi dat they dunnit to fetch abg, abg can go home
>myself. Must make reason to see u ma hehe.
>
>Abang love u soooooo much farz. We be strong kae? We can do it, abg
>believe. If farz pon believe, we already pass the test coz we have set
>hopes together, where we work towards it hand in hand.
>
>Abg ingat nk plan, u fetch me, we walk ard the airport,
>just the two of us, go makan, take pic or sumting, spent some quiet time to
>catch up on each other.
>
>Ayang, i love you, i care for u, i think of you, i miss you, and ive fallen
>for you. And i never felt this way before, so in love, like i can fly...
>
>PS: I love u before, now, and forever...
>
>Yours sincerely..
>Sarjan Hazlami
>
>TOWARDS GREATER HEIGHTS!! AUWAH!!!
>
>hehe.. *hugs and big kiss!!*

And this is what she replied. Haish.

Read ur mail n blog while im in class.. Now im at home.. Abg, u take good
care of urself.. U jus recovered frm sickness, ensure proper rest n eat
well.. Even if e food is not nice, buy a bread or sumthin to eat.. U need e
energy to survive there lest u wanna fall sick again..

N dont worie bout wad happen to me n kakak.. I see it as case closed n u
shall not do anything bout it.. Anyway, its not ur fault n there's nothing u
can do to it cause i wont let u do anythin bout it either.. If i had known,
i shouldnt haf told u bout wad happen.. initially i didnt wanna tell u cause
it will make u worie while ur there, u may thot i was havin one of my mood
swings dats why i behaved like dat.. yes, i was kinda upset dat u didnt
dream bout me n u talked bout parents instead.. i admit dats wrg for me to
say n i've been selfish.. but i loved u so much dat i want ur full attention
yet i knoe its unrealistic..

at times i too feel i loved u more than u do.. i too checked my hp endlessly
if there's any msges from u.. n my fingers itched to msg u jus to read ur
loving comfortin words.. u knoe i loved u, if not i wouldnt haf hold on till
dis far sayang.. im willin to sacrifice anythin for u.. but dats not e issue
here..

n yes, i dont wanna talk over e phone wif u.. why? first i wld hear ur
voice.. dat wld make me more emotional n fucked up.. second i was neva a
talk on e phone person.. third its kinda expensive, remember e bill is under
abg arif's name n he has been payin for mine n sis's bill.. n lastly if i
had talked to u over e phone it would be very difficult for me to leave u
wen im goin for london.. it will definitely shatter my heart..

abang, im sad things come to dis way.. u say i haf been a gd galfren to u..
u say e others r rejects .. im flattered but then i feel i haf dat im not
any better than them.. i made u wories endlessly, i've hurt u n made u upset
too.. to tell u e truth im contemplatin on goin to london.. lotsa stuffs
goin in my mind, unrealistic thinkin dat is.. im thinkin of wad could stop
me from goin to london cause of u abg.. im mentally n emotionally drained
day by day.. but u kept me goin.. i loved u so much dat i dont wanna leave
u.. u knoe how shitty i feel now abg.. i dont knoe why am i in dis situation.. why
is it so unfair to me..

abg, i seemed strong but im not.. i dont wanna go to london.. why? u n me
will be seperated for yrs.. n my sis n abg arif will also be seperated cause
she has to accompany me there.. they jus got closed.. is dis all worth it?
im financially stable as it is.. why not i jus settle dwn wif u.. i can
support myself.. u dont hafta worie bout me..

but then again.. its impossible.. my parents wouldnt agree to it.. its jus
me thinkin silly.. u knoe me.. hurhur.. well if i dont go, i knoe dat i'll
regret for e rest of my life.. u dont knoe e mental torture im goin thru day
by day wen dad keeps talkin to me bout goin over to london.... why abg? why
must dis happen nw....

u haf jus been to nice abg.. n i've fallen for u so deeply dat its
self-inflicts hurt back at me... ur my first bf.. e one i wanna settle dwn
wif..but everythin seems so fucked up nw.. i haf e feeling dat i
might go over to london before ur back sayang...

abang.... i knoe u'll cry readin dis.. but pls dont.. for my sake? i loved u
abang.. farz akan sentiasa sayangkan abang walaupun kita berpisah... i'll
keep on msgin u, emailin u, meet u in msn..

moving on, life has been kinda a roller coaster ride for me.. full of ups n
downs.. luckily i haf abg arif who has been by my side givin me warmth,
comfort n guidance.. i feel bad.. he has done so many things for me but i
feel i've done nthg for him.. he liked u very much n was happy to see dat i
got attached to sucha nice guy like u abg.. knoe sumthin? after sendin u
off, he walked home cause there's no buses left.. but he felt meetin u was
worth it.. n fyi abg, he n taufiq jus kinda lost a fren of 4 yrs of theirs..
he feels dwn.. nw wif taufiq there in taiwan he is damn alone.. but i told
him, thru me, he will gain a replacement.. which is u :) n thank god, kakak
is back wif me.. long has she been away from me..

well i missed u so much dear, every nite i keep thinkin bout u.. wonderin
wad ur doin there.. dat explains my notty msges to u dear.. =p haiz.. i'll
be strong.. u'll be strong too.. we'll survive this together.. i'll update u
if anythin kae sayang?..

love u lots
yours truly,

farzanna..

ps (appreciate abg talkin bout me in ur blog cause now.... UR OFFICIALLY MINE!)

And so the journey continues..

rang ai shen tou le di mian
Has let love completely permeate the surface of the earth

wo yao de zhi shi ni zai wo shen bian
The only thing I want is for you to be at my side

I have become a very busy man. So much indulged into work, and home, that I actually got so tired I slept from 9pm to 9am.. Thats like 12 hours sey..

And the worst part, is that I dun have time to exercise anymore. So tomorrow's off sure comes into handy, cuz in the morning im going to the gym, then go for my 4km run on the track, followed by a nice cooldown around 10 laps of the pool shud do the trick..

Im supposed to be on a routine sey. Damn.

And I dun even have time to dance now. I take sum 2 min of dance in the toilet at DFS before im off to greet stupid PRCs and Koreans. But I LOVE the japs. haha!

I have a new name in DFS.

HAZKIMI.

So I shun aside my Jawa name and put across this ultra cool name haha!

HAZKIMI-SAN, or HAZKIMI-MASE..

And to top it all of, in less than 2 weeks, im able to comunicate basic japs with the sweet babes, earning myself photo shoots with the tourist. Damn, i requested to use my hp, but stupid SUP she wun let me. Jelus eh? haha!

Then since im the most youngest there, they call me baby. Hahahha! Baby Hazkimi-san.

Some tour guide even told my godmum that they want to bring me back home, "hehe, hen ke ai lei!!"

That is what they call me. So blur blur I asked my godmum la.

She abit piss sia, so she answered bluntly, "She say u cute la."

Hahhaa, then I say put me in ur pocket la, more cute ma.

Then the tour guide, who is this absolutely notsohot mama, replied," Your mama wun let me bring you back home lei. How?"

Hehhehee, ok, dis part ryt, abit merepek. Cuz im thinking in yellow and blue. HAHAHAHA!

Oh btw, mum's looking at a slow and steady recover after that operation.

It was fun sey, mum sleeping, den me, nenek, and my grandauntie, ransacked the old refrigerator.

My mum ah, she got dis bad habit to stuff in ANYTHING that is edible inside the fridge.

To my amazement, i saw a tupperware with a piece of cake, and guess what? Its dian's cake she gave me to celebrate our 5mth aniversary. WTH?!?!

That's like SOOOO LONG AH!

AN NATE!!

Its like ichigatsu years ah.

So we happily laughed and joked and threw it all away. I told nenek, "Kalau mak tau ni semua kene buang, confirm didi kene marah sey."

Nenek replied," Takpe, cakap nenek yang buang. Dia tak berani nak marah nyaee. Pasal nyaee ni mak dia."

Haha, what powerful authority sey.

So in a couple of mins im changing and going to work.

Have a nice sunday ok!

Sheesh, who works on Sundays sey......

"He is not a hero. He is half a hero. He takes the plunge. Cuz he is the PROTECTOR of Gotham."

so does that mean my all time fav spiderman is now being replaced by this dark figure of the night?

Hahahaha.. well, here is what I think:

1)Skill

Batman relies thoroughly on his gadgets, but spidey relies on his believe in himself, as seen from Spiderman 2 when he starts to lose his ability to spin a web and climb walls. So what if one day, Batman decides not to check his attire, and forgets to place his shooter on his belt, when he falls and discovers that he forgot to bring his shooter, that'll make him a laughing stock. Even Joker himself would kill himself after laughing at such stupidity.

2) Valor

Batman is a true knight- he takes in the bitter pill for the sake of Gotham. He covers a friend's image over him. That is very nice really. No matter how much people would hate him, he still continues to save people. That is really heroic. Spiderman, on the other hand, is hated in Spiderman 2, but loved in Spiderman 3. But with the media constantly stereotyping him as the menace, he does continue to serve the city despite being a student, and struggling to balance between work and school, and sacrificing his love for MJ. In this case, I think Mr Spidey takes the point.

3) Fashion Sense

Batman has style. Spidey doesn't. Batman gets the point here.

4) Power

Batman has kung fu kicks up his sleeve, while Spidey has the quick wits. In this case, I think both scores a point each.

5) Personality

Spidey is nerdy. Cool photographer, not so handsome, but utterly cute in many ways. But still, nerdy. Mr Bruce on the other hand, is terrifyingly handsome, charismatic, rich and classy. He comes in by helicopter, with a handful of prized woman on his side. In my opinion, after working with DFS, Batman scores here. Haha. So biased.

6) Personal Life

I think everyone would say Spiderman scores this one. Yups. No need for further explanation.

"Make me proud." Mary Jane Watson.

"Its about time somebody saves your life." Mary Watson, again.

Look at Batman, his ex gf died, even so, she wants to marry with Two Face. And Bruce can still kiss her, even though he knew she is with someone else. Darn.

Overall, out of six points, I believe SPIDERMAN WINS!!!!

Hahahaha!

So Im still sticking with the quote, " With great power, comes great responsibility."


Haha. But still, I have no doubt that Batman is WAY TO COOL TO BE TRUE. but that's the whole point see, there isn't such character. But, there are heroes among us. Heroes that yearn to help, to make life better for everyone.

I want to watch it again. Friday im watching with wanpee I think. Im not too sure. But im definitely watching with my Wak Buang Cuzzins on Saturday yeap. First outing of the entire century kan? Haha..

Well, I enjoyed the movie really much. And sorry to Faiza, for not making you understand the jokes that I and Taha are sharing. I think Harold would fill you in, if he is nice enuf that is haha! Still, B.O.B remains a hidden meaning. Only I know, and maybe Taha knows if he is clever enuf that is, the true meaning of Bob. That is the reason why i didn't choose Thomas, or Jane, or ape2, or apek ke, biskot ke. Cannot. Must be BOB. Hahaha.

Dun get too curious about it, just treat it like a general term to reduce vulgarities. :D



Im still having strange nightmares, or dreams, about me and her. Its been a month. I tried Salawat while sleeping, read the quran before sleeping, drinking milk, meditate, solat hajat, so much. But still it doesn't stop. And that old guy at the corner, who is he? Why is he just standing there smiling?

Dian, I don't know, but are you trying to send a message to me? Isz did so, but it was very clear. But yours... I dun noe, I can't decipher anything about it. Are you in pain there? Are you ok? ...

You know, I have developed a fear in the process. The fear to sleep. Fearing that I'd see you in that corner, tears welling up.. Fear that comes with guilt, that I didn't do enough to save you. I failed, I know. But goodness, it is so hard for me to sleep nowadays. Was really thinking of sleeping pills, but the consequences are terrible. Sigh.

I have to really like, curl up, listen to quiet happy songs just to calm my nerves, then when I sleep, I dream abt it again and again and again.

Another month like this and I'll go mad. Period.

And when I wake up, I always have this stupid feeling of being so alone. But I know its wrong, I have family and friends now.

I just need to talk it all out to a person who doesn't understand a single thing, yet willing to listen it all. Just 30 mins. A preview of a man who takes of his mask and showing a true side of him.

I must admit, I beg to differ over Joker's perception of 'a man showing his true side when he is about to die.'

Everyone naturally is scared of death. Only learnt ones have the knowledge and the heart to actually accept it and face it, knowing that it is yet another path that everyone must go through. Its just that I am still a human being, who is besotted over the fruits of 'Dunia'.

Oh Allah have mercy over me.

Oh Allah, Saviour of Worlds, Kings of Kings, Creator of the Universe, do shed light over this poor diminished soul.

Listen to this song, its dedicated for me. I remember listening to this song, when I was running, in the cold mountainous terrains of Taiwan.
Taiwan, where it brought us together. And where it separates us as well. How ironical.

Now to work.

What a fruitful day at cck. Taha and I joined the NUS CSC (community service club), though im like an outsider, but there are so many outsiders there. And all of them have only one thing in common- to help collect food cans or dry rations to be given to charity.

Project C.A.N is a joint organisation planned by NUSCSC and some other charity bodies like 4PM, AMP, grassroot members and more. We started wearing the t-shirts that was given for us, and off we went upon the signal given by Mr Zaqy or Z, (mcm kawan aku plak). We started to knock on doors of CCK residents.

Haha, how fun and fulfilling it was, to see so many people, regardless of age and race, to help each other, in sorting out the foods from halal to non-halal. I make new friends as well, all don't even bother where I came from. They even welcomed me to join in as volunteers in future. And so i have decided to join and commit myself to it.

You know, all this community projects and work, it really puts my mind off a couple of issues raised between me and Taha, as we ploughed through relentless bodies of food and expiry dates.

It does seem that a certain individual by the name of 'Bob', a general term both me and Taha would use as frequently as we can, is starting to trouble my mind. It does seem that I choose to see its flaws rather than its strengths. That is wrong. However, much is needed to calm this soul of mine that has yet to be controlled. I really really need to go tasawuf class more often. I really really need to not feel this feeling. Cuz this feeling is making me sick. Bob, goodness me, when can u ever learn?

Bob oh bob.. What actually are you trying to seek in this life? You can take everything of me, of the world God has given you, but still, you will NEVER find what you want to find in me. It is your path, and im here to see and support. But bob oh bob, stop dis crap and look into yourself.

As I was saying to Taha..

"Perangai takmau macam...."

Bob.

PS: I want my mum. I want to hug her. But she is not home yet. So who shud I hug now?

here are sum pics of the Project C.A.N for your perusal.

thats us with boxes to sort out and differentiate the halal and not halal ones.
thats the halal section. Take a look at all the food!! thats why im telling ya, halal foods are booming in the economy, so everyone shud go for halal certs.
thats the non-halal section. see???
And this is for you my best buddy, Azhari. May Allah protect you. Indeed, you are missed by us. Friends are there for you, but good friends go through hell with you. Going thru the jungle and training, and the ups and downs for almost 2 years, yes, i must agree, you and I will see each other till our childrens children, if God wills my age that is. Lil Killa, make me proud.
Do come to DFS to see this handsome guy to get wonderful discounts. Haha. I can get 25% staff discount on top of the sales that is running around DFS. Surely, you can get a Ralph Lauren for a mere 20 bux. Look for me at the GST counter.

Arigato Gozaimas!

Flesh Imp + Coke Zero

Dress to express.

And hell yeah it was!

Apart from stupid harold trying to jump over the queue that is haha! But still, we own the show dude!

I love flesh imp. Period. :)

And I love this song. POSE by DADDY YANKEE.

Guess why...?

Special appearance from JABBAWOCKEEZ!!!

Shit dawg! Im gonna dance this song if I hit the streets! Eh hafiz, when is the next dance session? :D

And the gal in this video is super hot la, I think im gonna be a bachelor for a very very long time haha!



Deleted version of Step up 2, featuring Jabbawockeez.

Spread the revolution.

good to hear we are ok Harold. See, told ya stupid anonymous. dun judge people too quickly. u are exactly like the media you noe. just grab what u have without inferring. it is best not to say much. like i say, when u start to judge, u r being judgmental ryt? but actually you are also judging yourself. these are matters of the heart- its very subtle, very subjective, very independent.

i told Harold, this, that a brother, would never put himself in front of another woman for a brother. I lost a brother because of a woman. let us not lose this.

but i think i wun lar, come on dude. ni Harold sak, we have probs, we laugh it all out. and no matter how harold fucks kumar of his stupid nonsense, or the other way round, they are still best friends.

Is just that you my friend anonymous, never go far enough, never go deep enough, never put the extra effort to understand and ask for forgiveness. Look at Taufik, when we had our fights, which nearly put me and dian's relationship to an end, he walked up to me, like a man, not smsing, but walked up, took out his hand, and say, 'Haz, im sorry."

Harold called me up. Even at that party he already showed enough effort to say, you are my brother, and i shant give up on u.

Like how I couldn't spend time with Azhari, I made it all up, by sending him off, even so, i took half day just to spend some few rare hours with him. He came back, and I couldn't meet him, but we talked on the phone for hours.

I choose my guy friends really carefully. Those who go through my rough and toughs are my brothers.

Now hold on before u say something. This is subjective. This whole topic. Its totally diff than shasha's. So bear this in mind. Like i say, perhaps same in essence, but diff in purpose. Like a coffee, but one is a 3-in-1 while the latter is the powdery-like stuff. But still you consider them as coffee.

So let us all be open-minded, and let it the anger all go, and get on with our complicated lives. Sorry for everything, esp to you buddy harold. You're the best. Remember when I talked with you on the phone, the part where, if my big bro don't accompany me, the next on my list is automatically you. Yes you. I did mention that im quite a detailed person by nature. So yah, figure that out dude.

See ya on sat bro. Den you can have dinner at ma house. At least it lessens my mum's bidding for you hahaha! make sure you impress her haha! now i sound totally gay! :p

Im not sure about this job, but im just gonna go for it. DFS, here I come!

But baru setat keje dah nak mintak Sat and Sun off.

Oh come on, I got community work on Sat, and something on Sun.

And I have not sign the papers yet. So technically they can kick me out, or I can start work another date. And really, I got no mood to work. Haha. Just wanna clean up my room, play my guitar, compose a song, chill, go to gym and swim, and plug in. That was post-ORD mood.

And its happening now too. Sheesh. Dats the reason why dian and I went thru a horrible moment after ORD. Me and my stupid moods. I deserve a bitch slap. Really.

Referring to a random blogpost I came across:

"In everything that happens, there's surely a lesson and lessons, like medicine, aren't always sweet-tasting. As always, WWRD? :) In your recent post, perhaps there was some bitterness when writing it. I understand, but people who don't know the story might pass another judgment on you. Everything bad someone says about us, its most likely true. And they're only saying one bad thing that they see, they have not seen our other bad deeds and attributes. Being defensive will only paint a less rosy picture of you. Give everyone a chance. If Rasulullah SAW did that with those who mistreated him SAW, who are we to defend whatever little good of ourselves?

alhamdulillah, I've thoroughly understood.

I went to Ustaz Zaki's class just now, and he told us something amazing:


"Tak akan manfaatnya madu jika ia berserta dengan sedikit racun dari Allah SWT."

An excerpt from the book, 'Penawar Bagi Hati' or 'Medicine for the Heart' written by Abdul Qadir Bin Abdul Muthalib Al-Indonesia Al-Mandali.

'Adapun kasih akan dipuji maka seprti mereka yang menerkam ia akan musuh banyak di dalm peperangan supaya dikatakan ia orang yg berani. Dan ubatnya barang yang telah terdahulu pada ubat bagi kasih akan kemegahan dan iaitu bahawa mengetahui ia akan bahawa puji itu kesempurnaan yang diwahamkan sahaja tiada ada kesempurnaan yang sebenar...

Adapun sebab riya' ialah, maka iaitu takut dicela manusia. Maka ubatnya bahawa menetepkan ia dalam hatinya akan bahawasanya cela mereka itu tiada memberi mudarat ia akan dia jika ada ia yang dipuji pada sisi Allah SWT. Dan menetapkan ia di dalam hatinya akan bahawasanya tiada mengerjakan ia akan riya' yang sebab bagi murka Allah SWT kerana takut akan cela makhluk yang tiada memberi mudharat. Dan memada akan dia oleh bawasanya manusia jika mengetahui mereka itu qasad riya' yang di dalam hatinya nescaya benci mereka itu akan dia.'

Inferring from here, since a person is condemn hell as quoted in the Hadis, "Ketinggian itu selendangku dan kebesaran itu kainku. Maka barangsiapa mencabut dan merebut ia akan daku akan satu daripada keduanya nescaya aku campakkan dia ke dalam api neraka Jahannam dan tiada aku peduli" - Muslim, Abu Daud dan Ibnu Majah, it shows that im bound to go to hell.

Oh Allah have mercy on me!

Ustaz did mention about the Mirror Therapy. He told us to buy a small mirror, and look in the mirror, and talk to urself, "Look at that guy, he has done so many sins in this world, he doesn't deserve Paradise."

I know I have done so many wrong things in my life. I accept all criticism on me with and open mind, and Insya'allah, may I find Allah's grace in His Masterplan. Forgive this inhuman dirtbag.

But do take note, that false accusations are also a wrong doing. So I plead to all, do get the facts right before making a statement. It is not good to fitnah a person without knowing exactly the intentions of that particular person.

I didn't accept her not because of what she is facing, I swear it. But I didn't accept her because, I am more imperfect than her. She deserve someone way better than me. And it seems that she do not share the same dreams as I do. Im sorry if my actions showed forms of hope. She did told me once not to put too much hope on her. And that was exactly what I did. But it turns out that she did put hope on me, the moment I left the arena to sit at the sidelines. So take it in an open manner dude. That it wasn't meant to be. Im sure she'd fine a better person than me. Right now, im facing difficulties in the love section, so it will take sometime for me to reenter such arena, someday.

I understand. Good friends are defensive over other friends well-being. But a true friend, in my opinion, instead of being protective, they try to help the person forget, and cheer them up, and leave it all to God. Tak baik masuk campur hal orang. Its between me and her, and im sure both of us can solve this matter in a more mature manner. So I seek apology from all of you out there, like my dad use to say, if it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be.

Jodoh di tangan Tuhan. Do not force it.

Last but not least, im really am sorry. I am a jerk, i really am. Karma is playing a toll on me now. But at least im paying the sins. Some just shrugged it off and continue. But I face it, with my most humble manner, to seek apology from all. May Allah guide us. Ameen.

PS: I am still pissed at you Harold. You left me behind for a woman. A woman can find anywhere dude, but a true friend who goes thru life with you is indispensable. You disappoint me. So much. So much so I actually ignored you throughout the whole journey. Forgive me if its cruel, but you really did knock me out cold.

The Ghost of my Past

amongst the laughter and company, i still find myself alone on my way back home.

and damn, it was depressing. to think that i masked myself so that people won't see the actual situation that im facing right now, its such an irony; me living in a self-denial world is alarming.

i need someone to talk to, to let it all out of my system.

I cannot take it much longer.

I keep dreaming that I was at war with my men in the jungle, and from the darkness a soldier came rushing towards me with a bayonet fixed at the tip of the rifle.

upon seeing the figure rushing towards me i point my rifle and gave two burst of fire, and shouted command for my section to cover fire for me as i examine my kill.

fahmi, my 2nd SAW gunner approach from my left, and assisted me.

I shouted, "Faiezad! Hold the section 3 bounds ahead for me!! Daniel!! Cover my rear!"

And so we performed a 3UP formation, just to make sure the enemy doesn't come flanking happily from the back.

I put my rifle to safe and back sling my weapon, Fahmi's eyes dead focus on the figure that seemed to struggle in the dark jungle floor.

I pulled the helmet out and saw a glint of moonlight scaring the face of my enemy, revealing a woman's face, her crimson red blood smearing and glistening under the soft light that filtered through the canopy of leaves above.

I gasped, and fear, pain and a sudden sadness and guilt struck my heart like a swift knife slashing through flesh. But I remained composed, as the woman struggled to breathe, blood gushing out from the holes that bored from her throat and chest.. Her eyes fixed on me, a sudden cold of sort creeped through my soul as I began to fight my guilt.. What surprised me was that, a flint moment came by as quickly as seconds trickled down the hourglass, a moment where I laughed at that pitiful soul, despite her dead eyes fixed upon my flesh eyes.. And I continued the fight, leaving her reckless body crumpled in a mess behind, my soul tainted with a guilt so much it left tiny pearls leaking through my beady eyes.

And for 14 days continuously, for the last two weeks, I suffered the same haunting dream, and it ends with cold sweat on my face and body, leaving me shiver slightly in the darkness, her gasping voice echoing clear like water in my ears.. Leaving me confused, crumpled, tired, sad, guilty, and more...

on the 15th day which was yesterday, it surmounts..

Alas I recognise the face of my kill.....

It was you dian.......

I am a murderer.

Help me Allah, I need your Grace, for I feel weak from the 30hrs of sleep over 360hrs of living on your Earth You created.

I need help. Really. I need to stop this dream, I've been fighting it, but so far it only leaves me in fear of ever sleeping again. My eyebags are getting worser than ever.

Help me. Pls. Anyone. Anybody. :(

Kumar is declaring a state of depression.

Emo period starts from now.

Now go away.

PS: dian I miss you..

How can you be dead, when you're in my heart..?

You're not dead. You're not. You can't. I wun accept it. You are alive. You are....... :(

"I won't live to see another day, I swear its true..
Cuz a girl like you is impossible to find.

Impossible to find."

this one is for us.

The author is reminiscing the moments he had with dian, where he shares everything.. He thinks that no one can replace such a beauty, for he feels so lucky to love and be loved by a best friend. Key word: Best friend. He insist that love is more than just feelings, it is friendship. And from friendship, there is understanding and trust. Without it, its nothing more than a mere infatuation.

Azhari is gone. Now I really feel the pinch. An intellectual friend who always offer me another angle to whatever the situation is is not here in Singapore anymore.

I promised him I'll see him over there. And I will.

I will also drop by dian's grave.

A week has passed, but I feel that there is nothing important for me to blog about. The week passed by like flashes of lightning, leaving me stranded, wondering what the heck has happened.

So busy, I didn't even have time for myself.

I've discussed with my parents regarding the need of braces. After much weighing, I finally abled to convince them to try. There goes my car license. But what the heck, I won't need it anyway. I think I need a nice smile for my future. I really really think so.

Samir thinks its good to have those, so that you look even more handsomer than ever. I beg to differ. Apparently, I think I have been living in a self-denial world lately. I think I could do anything I want. Be whoever I want to be. But still, it all comes down to one final answer.

I cannot.

Why?

Simpy cuz im a normal ugly human being with an aspiration to do great things in life.

And with that saying, I need to sacrifice a lot of things.

It all started when I was helping Hasan Azhari with his luggage, pushing the trolley towards the check-in counter. As I saw Hasan mingling with his friends, spending every last moment he could with his loved one, I saw myself in his position. The opportunity to see the world, to do great things in life. I saw myself, in Hasan's position, and how does it really feel to leave everything behind to pursue your dreams.

And so my brain was having its own cosmic battle.

I come from a very conservative family, who deals with religious issues with utmost respect, and family bonding so strong it makes the strong intermolecular forces of attraction in diamonds look like jelly.

So naturally they are unwilling to see me actually spread my wings and fly. Though it is true that my dad once told me to be different and fly. Obviously he is being ironical.

I understand- the fact that they really do care about me and what im about to do. They have been holding my hands throughout the journey, shaping me to be the individual everybody knows by the name of Muhammad Hazlami Ibnu Zawawi.

The hour of wolves approaches. And as the clock strikes midnight on 25th September 2008, I'll be a full fledge adult. It is time for them to let go. Let it all go. Redha, and let me find my own path to find Allah.

I see Allah in everything that I see. But there are things that I haven't seen yet. And so, I need to see it all to understand life.

I see the responsibility getting heaver on my shoulders. I feel the strength in me to actually take risks without even thinking twice. I think my mind is ready to seek knowledge. To learn.

And so that night, I saw myself leaving it all behind, and now i finally understand why Allah put me in this position. He gave me time, time to think, to seek the truth about myself, and to think about my potentials, to change me, so that I'll be ready for 2009, as an adult. A man.

A man who will pursue his dreams.

Braces is a small factor, but details too are important to achieve my dreams.

I love to smile, that everyone know. But think, a beautiful smile would definitely make a person even more happy. Im not saying just woman, for I believe my smile is for the world.

I told samir, that in the process of metamorphosis, I think I cannot go as far as he would want to. I think our ship must harbor. For now.

Im feeling as lonely as ever, but I know I must fight this feeling. Now its just me and my dreams that'll fill this empty heart of mine.

This song really is singing what im really feeling now.

Here's another sunday morning call
Yer hear yer head-a-banging on the door
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
Into a day that couldn't give you more
But what for?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you don't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it'll ever work out right
But it's ok. It's alright

When yer lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Becouse your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it'll ever work out right
But it's ok. It's alright

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
And you take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Because your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And i'm not sure if it'll ever, ever, ever work out right
If it'll ever, ever, ever work out right?
Will it ever, ever, ever work out right?