Man of the World

I slept the whole night after a series of strong battles of migraine. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah, I survived it. I thought God wouldn't spare me and would take my life away that very instance the migraine struck. It felt as though there were nails in my head.

I tried studying but i felt that I have lost my edge. The eye of the Tiger no longer resides in my chest. I tried studying but I am always distracted. It sounds perplexing, but I must admit that I find it lesser and lesser day by day, the very purpose of studying in RMIT.

Feverishly as it may sound, this is real. And I am scared of it. I seem to lose the drive forward. Like a toothless Tiger. And as I stared and hugged Atom, I realized that he too faces such predicament. He no longer eats from his bowl. I always find it heartwarming to see him at his bowl, standing on his two small feet, looking up, waiting patiently for someone's attention to feed him his favourite fresh cabbage. But now he sits in his home, lay docile, afraid, in pain, as though life has been ripped off his chest.

And as I looked out to the horizon from my window, the calmness came and reside in my soul. I search the moon, but it does not appear tonight. I ask Allah, please place in my heart the sight, because I think I am blind within.

And as I search for a glimpse of light, I feel tired, like Atom, and lay quietly, perturb by endless thoughts of insecurities. The 'what ifs' appear frequently like the buzzing of bees, but where is the honey?

Man of the World.

A befitting title to this post. Explains a thousand words describing what I am feeling right now.

People saw me, smiling at me, as though I am doing fine, doing good, everything all stable, all ok..

They can't see through me. And I do not have anyone to share this with, because I believe no one can understand it. And I was thinking, Allah created me, He place within me fear, emotions, insecurities, strength, weakness, and more. And when i was existing as a Soul, I knew perfectly and accepted earnestly, the things i would go through right now.

I remember telling myself before, when people that I care left me, I was born not to love and not to be loved. I was born to face this world alone. Absent company. Only the will to search for meaning.

As a kid, I used to be left unattended. A shadow of reality. Of parental expectations. I try my best to show my worth and value to make them proud, but its always compared to others, and as a result, there was only fear. Fear of not being acknowledged. I remember wearing my favourite shirt everytime its my birthday, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my room specking clean, only to be shunned aside with forgotten memories. I remember crying, all curled up under my table, as my other half received toys and sega games, and myself? I merely leech on them as though I own them but I own nothing.

And I remember nearly giving up on my own existence, and accepting my reality as a shadow of others ambition. I celebrated my birthday every midnight alone, buying a small piece of cake smuggled in my school bag, cooked my own maggi, put candles on my cake, and sing my own birthday songs to please myself. Telling myself that tomorrow its going to be ok. That one day, I will find my purpose. Every night on the 25th of September, I acknowledged my own existence. It kept me alive, and I thank Allah for it. For being there with me through those nights. Listening to my prayers.

And till now, I am acknowledging my own existence. That I exist because of Allah. And I accept my destiny of loneliness, knowing that You are always there, looking at me, as how I looked at You.

I don't deserve anything Allah. If no one acknowledges me, its ok. I think I can handle that. But if You don't, then I am Nothing. I am but a servant, and I am still finding that sincerity to acknowledged that with all my heart. Be my Light, the Light of All Lights. This place is dark. It is scary. I feel so alone. Only with Your Light, that I can see this World as it Is.

This world is temporary. So am I. The Man of the Temporal World.

*Listening to the Man of the World, Naruto ost*

headache. Allah pls put this migraine away.

Dream

Alfatehah to arwah Isz Sazli.

I dreamt about you. After 5-6 years, I finally really dream about you. And I know it is you because you never spoke to me at all, but remain there in a very comfortable manner. May Allah bless your soul, my brother.

I also dreamt in the same scene, a little baby and a man who was carrying the baby, and at that moment, he lay the baby on the bed, held the baby's palms in his thumbs, and talked to me that sounds like an advise, something like I need to read the Quran to entertain the baby, to make it happy, to instill in him the verses. And he read a particular verse which I can't remember. And all along, arwah was standing by me, smiling, encouraging.

This dream must have a message in it. The baby must meant fitrah, or my soul, and that it must be fed with Revealed Knowledge. And that would suggest the unveiling, because to simply read is insufficient, but I feel what was meant as an advise by that man, was to 'read' as how Surah Al-Alaaq taught us.

اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ

Bacalah (wahai Muhammad) dengan nama Tuhanmu yang menciptakan (sekalian makhluk),

continued:

الَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِالْقَلَمِ

Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan,
عَلَّمَ الْإِنسَانَ مَا لَمْ يَعْلَمْ

Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.

This meant that the initial intention of my life should be based on wanting to know (kenal) God as my Creator. And it was He who taught us things that we do not know via Kalam. And He warned:

أَن رَّآهُ اسْتَغْنَىٰ

Dengan sebab ia melihat dirinya sudah cukup apa yang dihajatinya.
إِنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ الرُّجْعَىٰ

(Ingatlah) sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmu lah tempat kembali (untuk menerima balasan).

This is something that made me quiver with fear. I always thought that, ahh i know this already. I always thought that, I am the result of the things I have accomplished, and can accomplish. The term used 'hustaghna' is possibly linked to the term 'istigna' which means 'yang Terkaya' or the Most Complete Being.

Who am I to say that I am complete? By having a degree, getting a job, does that make me complete?

It doesn't.

And God remind us to return (raj'un) to Him.

That should be the basis of all things.

Masya'allah I feel so incomplete. There are so many things that I do not know, if I already know, it doesn't necessarily mean I understand or affirm it. My iman still goes up and down like a rollercoaster.

Oh Allah, grant me istiqamah..... please.

Rezeki

Allah gave me a mouth with a set of teeth to chew. And I forgot how wonderful this gift is until Allah place a small ulcer at the top left inner side of my mouth. And the constant pain made me realize, just a small bit of ulcer can cause a huge amount of discomfort, fever, flu, and headache. And to top it off, what ever that I ate hurts, because the ulcer will rub against the left side of my tooth.

فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman:13)

We keep denying the little gifts that Allah provide. And yet, He is Forgiving and Merciful, and allows us a chance every second to remember Him.

Earth Angel

I'm just a fool in love with you..

Weight

This whole week I was out for projects, meetings, classes etc and I really had no time for revision nor rest. I didn't have time to make dhuha prayers, nor wake up early for tahajjud.

I am so tired.

It became clear to me that this sort of amals are indeed by-invitation basis. This shows that I wasn't sincere enough.

"O you who believe! turn to Allah a sincere turning; maybe your Lord will remove from you your evil and cause you to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, on the day on which Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him; their light shall run on before them and on their right hands; they shall say: Our Lord! make perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things." (At-Tahrim 66)

In this ayat, the word 'sincere' is mentioned as taubattan nasuha. This form of taubah, as how I am reflecting right now, is indeed a form of sincere turning- the kind of repentance that submits in view of a slave that has no form of rights and possessions, and that he voluntarily submits knowing that whatever punishment or reward he may receive, it is up to Him to make it. And in turn, you ask for Allah for Mercy, and make 'perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things.'

And here, the term 'nur' refers to the light that shines above all lights, or makrifah, and 'protection' refers to 'ghafur' which means forgiveness. And in asking forgiveness, you are seeking protection from the Creator, as how you ask forgiveness to your parents after a mistake you have made, and in that you are seeking safe haven, safe passage in the house by submitting to their will, to their rules, commands an prohibitions.

The thing here is that, even in sincerity, we need to ask of it from Allah. I once asked my dad, how do you attain khusyuk in prayers? In my mind, it must be about focus, about pushing various thoughts that will distract you.

But I was wrong.

My dad said,"Ask Allah for khusyuk."

In the end, the purpose of a slave is none but one: total dependance on God. A slave and a servant is different. The former refers to an individual that serves his Master without asking anything in return because he is indebted to the Master and owns nothing, but the latter refers to a person that does things in hopes of a payment in return.

Masya'allah! Such profound contrast!

I have always been doing things for Allah in hopes of getting something in return. Like I do tahajjud in hopes that my hajat is being answered.

But what should I do then to be a slave? Does that mean I don't do anything since I can't expect anything?

Allah says, conveying to us the words of his prophet Jacob (peace be upon him): “Never despair of Allah’s mercy. No one despairs of Allah’s mercy except the unbelieving people.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]

This means, that to assume good things from Allah is Just, and mercy will definitely come if there is sincerity, and sincerity must come with the affirmation in our soul, that it is up to Him to decide to give mercy or not, for as a slave my purpose is to continue to do what is commanded of me.

And thus I pray to you, oh Merciful One, grant me the wisdom and sincerity, for I am nothing without You.

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on a side note, a friend was asking me, why am I teaching a lot of tuition? isn't it unbearable?

I told him that I have to work to save up money so that I can put my heart to Allah and His Religion closer. And my heart has been set upon it, because what I feel in my soul is true and real. :) so this flesh is nothing but His tool, and I strive to do what is best for everyone.

Hayyan fii qulubtu. Ya Allah berilah istiqamah dalam diri ini, untuk mencintaiMu, dan mencintainya.

Missing you.