A ramadhan to remember

As the end of Ramadhan drews nearer, the gates of the world starts to open. I have isolated myself from people, from friends, from habits, from evil deeds, for the whole month.

It is time I apply it after Ramadhan.

And my heart is at peace, after going through turmoils and turmoils of that 18 september. It is fresh in my memory still, but after spending a quiet time with myself on my birthday, I find it yet another successful attempt by myself in moving forward from this state of emptiness. It is amazing how a sunset at esplanade riverside can do to a person like me who is undergoing a major paradigm shift in life. I tried going against it, forgetting it, and many other means, but I have discovered that it is only within thyself; the ability to understand and accept the shortcomings of my own, the setbacks, and the reason behind all that has happened, the function of the reason, and ultimately, the purpose of the function, that has the power to heal.

Ramadhan proved yet again to be the best of periods amongst the many periods in a year. Alhamdulilah. By meditating in the dark, I can see myself in amidst of Allah's creation, and finally, as I closed my eyes to the nothingness, I see myself empty. Only that existed in my heart was our Lord, even His name vanquished. All I could feel is the comfort of being under His Mercy.

Now I can roughly protect my heart from unwanted criticism on people. Usually when I take the public transport via MRT, when I see punks and minahs and mats, I'd have negative thoughts on them. Same goes to latecomers during Friday Prayers.

Just now as I was rushing to pray, my mum had to ask me to take care of baby arfan first as she needed to take a quick shower. I was like, oh God im gonna be late.

When I reached the mosque, the khutbah was nearly at end, and as I stood at the doorway, holding my hands up high to doa, people at the 2nd floor stared at me. It was an uncomfortable stare- I know I was late. But I had a reason. So it opened my eyes to the faults I did before.

Do not judge people to quickly. In fact, judge yourself.

Ustaz Abu Zaki once said if i cud recall, kalau nampak org, kene pagar hati dari berkata2, tepis sangkaan buruk yg menjelma, dan kutuk diri sendiri, dan doa kepada Allah.

I think Ramadhan has made me into a better person. I saw the punks in the MRT, and I quickly told my heart, that they are better than me- my sins are far more heavier in Allah's eyes as compared to them cuz they are still young. They do not know, but I know. And I still act upon myself, all the sins that was already forewarned by Allah. I am a bad person. Perhaps even, when they grow older, they'd change to be someone better than me, and that when I die, these are the people who are gonna pray for me.

And I can feel the sacrifices of mum and dad. I recently spent 200 bux just on decoration purposes in IKEA last week. I was kinda pissed at it since my pay is quite low, and I sense there is a dire need to save up for university next year. I complained to my dad about it, hoping to get a few reimbursement, but instead my dad simply replied," That is nothing compared to years and years I have invested on bringing all of my beloved children up."

I went silent. After all these years I have failed to see myself as a small shrimp in this big ocean.

So I put a niat that I have given alms to my family, to help them. It was an ikhlas attempt to train my heart.

Alhamdulillah, recently I received a letter about the GST credit, and I got 275 bux. So God has given back something, and even more. Furthermore, Im receiving my monthly pay on Hari Raya itself. And Allah has granted me health such that I did not fall sick and so I have not taken any unpaid leaves. That means a full month pay!

I am at peace. I see Allah shaping me. Previously I was saddened about God's decision to not let me enter university dis year, however, instead, I gain so much more this year. I can see where my ship is heading. Allah wants me to be a better person, He gave me a year to gain experience. Life experience. Job experience. Multi-language opportunities. Alhamdulillah. :)

I found myself, and right now Alhamdulillah I know my strengths and weaknesses.

And I recently made contact with someone dearest to my heart, a human soul by the name of Hamizan- the most kind-hearted person I have ever met in my whole life. Recent events turned our friendship upside down, but now after asking forgiveness on my bdae, I told myself, her passing was a curse, but there is a gift in disguise. Alhamdulillah.

Everything happens for a reason, it is true.

And to top it all of, I received a long awaited email from a dear friend. And it really made me so happy.

Finally I got her picture haha! Mika. You are so simply interesting.

and she is already showing off the pictures I given her to her parents. She wrote in the email, that she boasted my pictures to her parents. Puzzled, I asked why. She replied that I was the first guy she emailed to, the first foreign guy she has ever had, and to make it even better, she likes chocolate-coloured skin guys like me. Hehehe.

on hari raya, it'll be our first video call. Cannot wait! Yata!!



PS: This song is hailed as the best song Oasis has ever produced. 13th October will be the day of reign and celebration for Oasiscoholic fans like me.

DIG YOUR SOUL OUT mates!

A birthday without you

Happy birthday to me.

And i can still clearly hear your voice in my ear, as I could remember, that moment when you wanted us to talk until the clock struck midnight, just to say Happy Birthday to me.

Im 21 now.

A full adult.

Now as I look upon the world with my eyes, all I can see is you.

You meaning love.

And so today marks the first step, the first milestone, in spreading your love to the world.

On the 25th of September, year 2008, as I reach my prime age of adulthood, I would see the world in a new perspective. Gone were the days of bgr, monkey love, stupid pranks, childish remarks. I must change, to be a wise man. To be able to lead my family, and myself, in search of Allah's grace.

It feels strange, to celebrate my birthday in this solemn atmosphere. Perhaps I kept comparing to what i received last year. You gave me all of your attention in a single day. And now, I can remember it for the rest of my life. How strong the impact is eh. To be able to share what I really feel with someone so close. And all you would say, is, 'Its gonna be ok, haz. Im here. I will go thru it with you, no matter how hard it is. Muacks.'

And the card you gave me. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I kept looking at it, hoping to hear a slight blur of your voice in my head, of how you'd sound like if you were to say it in my face, with that smile, and that sincerity.

It feels strange, to celebrate my birthday in this sadness. This is because im living with the knowledge that it will happen only once in my life, and that it can never happen again.

I heard this phrase before somewhere.

"You live once. You die once. You love once."

I have lived once. I will die soon. But have I loved you once?

I think I do.

The author is reminising the days when he celebrated his birthday in Ramadhan last year with Dian, and he received his 20 suprises. And the best of all, it was that phrase she keep saying to him, until I fell asleep, until 25th September 2007 became nothing more than a memory. And he is celebrating it in a quiet trance by himself, hoping to look back at what he has done, his past mistakes, his flaws and weaknesses, that shaped him to what he is now. The author thinks that death actually comes like a blessing in disguise.

She kept saying.

"I love you, bie. Forever."

Indeed.


Cuz if have to go,
in my heart you'll grow
That's where you belong.

Im outta time

This is a song from the newest oasis album, Dig Out Your Soul.

It is so soulful.

And it brings life to my empty nut.

As I ponder on the things that I've done wrong in this life. So many. So many unheard and heard.

Is God truly merciful? And only through this painful testimony shall I try and erase the sins that I've done. I must dedicate myself to the goodness of this life.

Does everybody deserve a second chance?

Im just scared that the kifarah would be a test that I can't bear. I am really shameful of myself. I am a bad person. I do not deserve paradise.

But I do not want to go to Hell either.

So how actually does a human spirit achieves God's Grace?

Does it fall under the term, submit? Submit can be a simple word, but to act upon such notion would be implausible. I see myself not able to submit fully. There are so many sins that I did. And I should be aware of it. Many of it I was aware off, but fail to stop.

Why is this so? Is this because my heart is darkened by years and years of unclean actions and thoughts? Is my mirror that tainted and dirty, until I can't even see myself in the mirror?

I can only see my own shadow. Grim and dead.

Oh Allah, bless me with your Grace. Have mercy on me. Have mercy. I beg you.

I am tortured by this guilt.

So do I deserve Lailatul qadar? I try my best to do good things, but in the end, the bad things always overcome the good deeds that I did. It can never be enough.

So does this thought, supports the notion of the relation to submit?

Submit. Hmm. To give my all, to the omnipotent being..

Must try.

PS:

If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud
Or would you hide behind them all
Because If I am to go
In my heart you grow
And that's where you belong

Its as though dian is whispering to me this very words. Sigh.

And thanks Wanpee. I do remember the incident in the bunk. And you were there for me. No words nor actions can ever replace such brotherhood. You are indeed a friend. Pray for me.

Cuz if I die, a good friend won't cry over my death, but instead, pray for me. And that is what I hope to achieve. To help others, so in turn when I die, people would pray for me. Its gonna be cold and dark in there.

I can't seem to put it all away. I have a very strong migraine, preventing me from slumber. And I kept seeing u in my mind.

I made up my mind.

I shall wait for you.

Till the end, remember dian? till the end.

Now I shall spread your love to the world, and remain as faithful as I can for you.

I try. I must.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday dian.

I cannot stop crying. I just miss you so much. So so much. so much. so so so much.

I feel so alone. I feel so so alone.

No more of your sweet words. Ever again.

No more of your smiles. No more. No more at all.

I feel so alone. I feel so much pain. You are gone forever, and all I could do is just think about you.

About how both you and I in our little cottage with a garden of roses. No more, no more.

How can you be gone, when you are in my heart.........................

Dian.

I love you.

And I will always love you.

My little princess. My little baby duck. My dian.

Happy 19th birthday my sweet baby.

sigh.

PS: Tak akan, terganti. Setiap kenangan yang telah terukir.

This song is for us. What I feel is what this song is saying. Exactly. Word by word.

sigh. Sampai kapankah aku mampu bertahan...

tomorrow

Tomorrow is the 18th September.

Tomorrow is the day my heart will start to break and crumble all over again.

Tomorrow is the day the memories will rush in like a dam releasing the power of the river.

Tomorrow is the day of regret and remorse.

Tomorrow is the day I'll throw myself in the shadows of guilt.

Tomorrow is the day I'll remember myself as a murderer.

Tomorrow is the day I celebrate our 1 year, 5 months, and 2 days of our forbidden love.

Tomorrow is the day I'll remember your voice that resonates and touches my hard soul.

That soft, cheery voice that is long gone.

That laughter which always creates a smile on my face.

That cries of help whenever you're in pain.

That soft tears of love whenever you miss me so much.


I cannot face tomorrow alone. And every letter that I typed out now holds the very tears im weeping, trying to face the death of a beloved soul.

A soul that changed my life for the better. A soul that opened my eyes to the inevitable. That there won't be anymore of you, ever again.

Ever again.

Why is it so hard to let it all go, oh Allah.........

Why do I keep crying everytime I think of her, oh Ar-Rahman..

Why can't I face the truth, ya Rahim....

I know you love her oh Allah, but her love is still with me, and it is overwhelming, that everytime I see the rain drops falling from the sky, I see her in the skies, crying for the world...


Dian..

Kau memang tercipta untukku.

sigh.

Japanese mania

Just after making the previous post, perhaps God is listening to my woes of not having much of an interesting week, interesting events began to unfold the past two days.

Let me tell you the story.

It was 7.55pm, and I was at the arrival hall, filling up the empty space with the CUP/NETS promotion guy, waiting for any SAYONARA shopping groups to make an entrance. I was talking, as usual, to the promoter, a nice casual chinese guy, about MIOplan and the conspiracy of how I can actually take over DFS much to his amusement, when two sad-looking nervous-wrecking pretty-smelling jap girls came up to me. As per normal, I greet them.

"Konbanwa!", I said with a smile on my face. My smile was exceptional there, they say over at DFS that my smile is baby-like, and even the General Manager noticed it and was talking abt it to my Manager.

They smiled, and then they say in japanese, I cannot decipher much of it, but I try to understand what they are trying to say. They say something about how they got left by the group, and they showed me their tour schedule, and they wrote bits of english words like, PROBLEM, PLANE, 2355HRS, LOST, SCARED, MISS.

So I was like, ok. Calm down, I promise I help. So I made a lot of calls. Called their HIS agent, and I was referred to many agents, but at last I called my so-called 'girlfriend' Ms Lincy Kwan, a 35yearold Jap Tour Agent who was willing to look up to HQ to search their name.

They were in luck. And so HIS is picking them up at DFS at nine pm.

Haha, so I told them in Jap, like this,"I guess Superman has saved you. They picking you up at nine."

They were so happy, and I even offered them to carry their luggage to the luggage counter, and asked them to collect their bag at nine.

So feeling satisfied helping a customer, I went to GST counter, following my time table.

I sat there alone, thinking of how I should do more, to make my service better. Perhaps communication is at lack. And thus I made a vital promise to myself to take up Japanese Language as the next language, putting aside Arab.

And suddenly, I saw them walking towards me, and they say they were looking for me, and they bought me a box of Godiva chocolates. How sweet! and so I say la, "Beautiful girls from heaven come to give me a gift. So nice."

They introduced themselves, Mika Yamauchi and Satoko Shimada. Both are living in Tokyo, Japan. And they offered me to come to Japan to hang out with them. They gave me their email address, and asked me to email them, keep in touch. And the best part of all, Mika gave me a fleeting kiss!

Goodness, in RAMADHAN?! Bergegar iman aku. But I knew it was just a friendly one. So when they are about to leave, I bid them farewell, and Mika say something in broken English, like, Thank you, I love you.

Hahahahaha. I don't think they really understand the context of that phrase in Singapore.

But nevertheless.
As you can see, I intentionally covered the writings of dear Mika's email add and her friend. And yesterday I also receive a bunch of goody Japanese sweet snacks from another Japanese girl. Hahaha. What a life. I am beginning to enjoy this work.


Im soo going to Tokyo. Next year dude!

Oh shit, baby Arfan is crying. Gotta go!

Look at his big juicy yummy voluptuous cheeks! hehehe..

Life in DFS

I got to admit, time pass very fast the moment my life is filled up with work. There isn't any interesting things happening, so I guess tt's the reason why I don't actually blog much. Most of the stuff I think about happen in the 190 bus on my way to work, or im stoning in that cold relentless air-con driven arrival hall waiting to greet the hordes of PRC and Japanese people.

I keep walking past the swatch department, looking at that lil piece of assortment called watch, which cost a whoopping 316 bux. With my staff disct, I still need to pay at least 200bux. Damn.

It hadn't been an interesting week. More indonesians are coming in DFS, and so my manager is pleased that im there helping to speak in their language. Its not tt hard actually.

Scanning cards, issue disct cards, do GST forms, report groups, nothing more than a bunch of systematic procedures. Gone were the days I actually fumbled the walkie talkie trying hard to remember what I need to say in order not to screw up.

Who works on SUNDAYS?!! Goodness. But im trying to hit the 3mth probation. And then im off for another adventure.

All I need is a surprise, and alot of randomness to fill in the empty cup of creativity of mine.

Ramadhan, bulan yang suci

Ramadhan El-Mubarak my dear friends!

The month of forgiveness has arrived, full of blessing and rahmah. After having living in this world for 21 years, I have seen many who yet again fail to recognize the true essence of ramadhan, and of course, im in dismay of myself as well, for having picking up the notion of Ramadhan quite slow, that is to be totally honest, only began shortly after a scolding and a reminder by my beloved parents about the do's and don'ts of Ramadhan. And of course, hail and many salutations to those who feel the barakah of the month.

Priorities as such much change in accordance to my absolutely misleaded life.

As I sat reading the Quran in Al-Falah, awaiting patiently for the beautiful serenade of the azan, I pictured myself in the past, and a sudden rush of memories came flashing across my mind. Truly enough, I was misleaded, yet again. Army life snatched away my iman and islam, and much to my disappointment, the ikhsan that has been with me since my dad shared with me his view on the term, insan kamil, back when I was 16.

A difference between a muslim, and a mukmin, is 3 things. Islam, Iman, and ikhsan. And a mukmin is referred as insan kamil, a spirit that bears not single drop of tarnished sin, filled with light of Allah, and barakah of the Prophet SAW, and whatever he sees, feels, taste, touch, hear, are all Allah. In his everyday life, he thinks non but Allah, even the food that he eats, he sees Allah, he says.

I went weak all of a sudden. Allah has given me so much, yet I failed to see Him. I was blinded by dunia, the wealth of materials, company of friends, and comforts of life.

And as i watch my tears drop down, an African muallaf came up to me, and asked me nicely, why are you crying ya wallad.

I answered.

"My brother, I have strayed away from Allah. I do not deserve His forgiveness. I do not deserve a place in Paradise, nor did I want to be in Hellfire. I have done so many wrongdoings. I have commited so many acts of selfish ideas. I have not been praying constantly back then. I have been swayed by the pleasures of friends who too are blinded by dunia. I should have been a better person. I should have encouraged myself and my friends to do good."

He looked at me, his eyes covered with a thin layer of tears, and replied calmly.

"My friend, Allah is All Forgiving. And His Mercy overcomes His Wrath. He is always guiding you, as much as how he is guiding me. And only through the mistakes you make will you understanding the motive of Allah's actions against you. Its not the within, but within the within lies the truth. Don't be discourage. Keep istighfar. I assure you, the bad things that you have done, cannot match mine."

God has send me his words of wisdom through a stranger whom I knew little of his background. But nevertheless, I was enlightened.

Recent events took a toll on my Ramadhan. There has been spreaded misunderstandings between me and a few members. I apologise on my behalf, but surely I do have a reason in doing so.

I shall put it in a simplified way.

In order for one to be accepted in a certain structure, not just any structure, but a structure that bears connotations of purpose, the person must first be able to achieve the structure's purpose in a manner of individualism.

Meaning, if a person wants to join a Muslim organisation, he must instill in him the primary core values of a Muslim.

Same goes to the issue we are facing. I was wronged. But it is time that we all change for the better.

As I walked down that alley and saw the amount of Malay people not in the mosque but actually 'lepakking' and doing nothing but absolute rubbish, in Ramadhan, I noticed how it changed my perception on myself. I cannot deliver what you seek. For the priorities that you people hold differs with mine greatly.

On a lighter note, do bear in mind that it is not my wish to hurt anyone. But rest assured that I have never forgotten the sacrifices we went together as a team. It is time for as to take a paradigm shift.

Hijrah my friends. I am encouraging myself, and all of you, to move forward, and not just sit around doing nothing.

My notion of acting 'fruitfully' is- having achieved primary goals like bonding, and not to forget our religious obligations, for it is but mandatory for Muslims to prioritise his or her commitments wisely in Ramadan.

We must act now. Ramadhan comes once. Who knows I might not see the next one with you people. A friend once told me, that sometimes people are not ready to change, or accept a change.

Think of it, in this way.

You may not know when you are going to die. Rasulullah SAW once said, a wise man is a person who always think about death.

Blame it on secularism, for clouding our young minds with fear of death. In fact, a true muslim not like me, must embrace death, for only with death is the beginning of life. Eternal life that is.

So when you think of death, and you know there isn't any answer to exactly when are you going away, so will that push you to think that it is not but now to change?

Sudah menjadi lumrah kehidupan di dunia
Cabaran dan dugaan mendewasakan usia
Rintangan dilalui tambah pengalaman diri
Sudah sunnah ketetapan Ilahi

Deras arus dunia menghanyutkan yang terleka
Indah fatamorgana melalaikan menipu daya
Dikejar dicintai bak bayangan tak bertepi
Tiada sudahnya dunia yang dicari

Begitu indah dunia siapa pun kan tergoda
Harta, pangkat dan wanita melemahkan jiwa
Tanpa iman dalam hati kita kan dikuasai
Syaitan nafsu dalam diri musuh yang tersembunyi
Pulanglah kepada Tuhan cahaya kehidupan
Keimanan ketakwaan kepadanya senjata utama

So now I might be close in my search for my purpose in this life. Have you guys thought about yours? Or the purpose is but a mere insight of nothing but simplified laughter?

It is drastic. It is evil. But do evil for the greater good. Insya'allah, we will succeed.

Besides this, I have written on my scrap bk abt our Mua'lim, Muhammad SAW.

Its a short one, but I guess I have not been updating this blog. I will try to change the skin to a more, reader-friendly type, and few personal notations, but more of life and human behaviour, as per what I see.

"Ash hadu alla ila ha illah. Astaghfirullah. Nas alukal jannata wana'uzubika minannar."

"Allah huma innaka 'afurun tuhibbul afwa fa fu'an na."

Ya karim.