Man of the World

I slept the whole night after a series of strong battles of migraine. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah, I survived it. I thought God wouldn't spare me and would take my life away that very instance the migraine struck. It felt as though there were nails in my head.

I tried studying but i felt that I have lost my edge. The eye of the Tiger no longer resides in my chest. I tried studying but I am always distracted. It sounds perplexing, but I must admit that I find it lesser and lesser day by day, the very purpose of studying in RMIT.

Feverishly as it may sound, this is real. And I am scared of it. I seem to lose the drive forward. Like a toothless Tiger. And as I stared and hugged Atom, I realized that he too faces such predicament. He no longer eats from his bowl. I always find it heartwarming to see him at his bowl, standing on his two small feet, looking up, waiting patiently for someone's attention to feed him his favourite fresh cabbage. But now he sits in his home, lay docile, afraid, in pain, as though life has been ripped off his chest.

And as I looked out to the horizon from my window, the calmness came and reside in my soul. I search the moon, but it does not appear tonight. I ask Allah, please place in my heart the sight, because I think I am blind within.

And as I search for a glimpse of light, I feel tired, like Atom, and lay quietly, perturb by endless thoughts of insecurities. The 'what ifs' appear frequently like the buzzing of bees, but where is the honey?

Man of the World.

A befitting title to this post. Explains a thousand words describing what I am feeling right now.

People saw me, smiling at me, as though I am doing fine, doing good, everything all stable, all ok..

They can't see through me. And I do not have anyone to share this with, because I believe no one can understand it. And I was thinking, Allah created me, He place within me fear, emotions, insecurities, strength, weakness, and more. And when i was existing as a Soul, I knew perfectly and accepted earnestly, the things i would go through right now.

I remember telling myself before, when people that I care left me, I was born not to love and not to be loved. I was born to face this world alone. Absent company. Only the will to search for meaning.

As a kid, I used to be left unattended. A shadow of reality. Of parental expectations. I try my best to show my worth and value to make them proud, but its always compared to others, and as a result, there was only fear. Fear of not being acknowledged. I remember wearing my favourite shirt everytime its my birthday, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my room specking clean, only to be shunned aside with forgotten memories. I remember crying, all curled up under my table, as my other half received toys and sega games, and myself? I merely leech on them as though I own them but I own nothing.

And I remember nearly giving up on my own existence, and accepting my reality as a shadow of others ambition. I celebrated my birthday every midnight alone, buying a small piece of cake smuggled in my school bag, cooked my own maggi, put candles on my cake, and sing my own birthday songs to please myself. Telling myself that tomorrow its going to be ok. That one day, I will find my purpose. Every night on the 25th of September, I acknowledged my own existence. It kept me alive, and I thank Allah for it. For being there with me through those nights. Listening to my prayers.

And till now, I am acknowledging my own existence. That I exist because of Allah. And I accept my destiny of loneliness, knowing that You are always there, looking at me, as how I looked at You.

I don't deserve anything Allah. If no one acknowledges me, its ok. I think I can handle that. But if You don't, then I am Nothing. I am but a servant, and I am still finding that sincerity to acknowledged that with all my heart. Be my Light, the Light of All Lights. This place is dark. It is scary. I feel so alone. Only with Your Light, that I can see this World as it Is.

This world is temporary. So am I. The Man of the Temporal World.

*Listening to the Man of the World, Naruto ost*

headache. Allah pls put this migraine away.

Dream

Alfatehah to arwah Isz Sazli.

I dreamt about you. After 5-6 years, I finally really dream about you. And I know it is you because you never spoke to me at all, but remain there in a very comfortable manner. May Allah bless your soul, my brother.

I also dreamt in the same scene, a little baby and a man who was carrying the baby, and at that moment, he lay the baby on the bed, held the baby's palms in his thumbs, and talked to me that sounds like an advise, something like I need to read the Quran to entertain the baby, to make it happy, to instill in him the verses. And he read a particular verse which I can't remember. And all along, arwah was standing by me, smiling, encouraging.

This dream must have a message in it. The baby must meant fitrah, or my soul, and that it must be fed with Revealed Knowledge. And that would suggest the unveiling, because to simply read is insufficient, but I feel what was meant as an advise by that man, was to 'read' as how Surah Al-Alaaq taught us.

اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ

Bacalah (wahai Muhammad) dengan nama Tuhanmu yang menciptakan (sekalian makhluk),

continued:

الَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِالْقَلَمِ

Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan,
عَلَّمَ الْإِنسَانَ مَا لَمْ يَعْلَمْ

Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.

This meant that the initial intention of my life should be based on wanting to know (kenal) God as my Creator. And it was He who taught us things that we do not know via Kalam. And He warned:

أَن رَّآهُ اسْتَغْنَىٰ

Dengan sebab ia melihat dirinya sudah cukup apa yang dihajatinya.
إِنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ الرُّجْعَىٰ

(Ingatlah) sesungguhnya kepada Tuhanmu lah tempat kembali (untuk menerima balasan).

This is something that made me quiver with fear. I always thought that, ahh i know this already. I always thought that, I am the result of the things I have accomplished, and can accomplish. The term used 'hustaghna' is possibly linked to the term 'istigna' which means 'yang Terkaya' or the Most Complete Being.

Who am I to say that I am complete? By having a degree, getting a job, does that make me complete?

It doesn't.

And God remind us to return (raj'un) to Him.

That should be the basis of all things.

Masya'allah I feel so incomplete. There are so many things that I do not know, if I already know, it doesn't necessarily mean I understand or affirm it. My iman still goes up and down like a rollercoaster.

Oh Allah, grant me istiqamah..... please.

Rezeki

Allah gave me a mouth with a set of teeth to chew. And I forgot how wonderful this gift is until Allah place a small ulcer at the top left inner side of my mouth. And the constant pain made me realize, just a small bit of ulcer can cause a huge amount of discomfort, fever, flu, and headache. And to top it off, what ever that I ate hurts, because the ulcer will rub against the left side of my tooth.

فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman:13)

We keep denying the little gifts that Allah provide. And yet, He is Forgiving and Merciful, and allows us a chance every second to remember Him.

Earth Angel

I'm just a fool in love with you..

Weight

This whole week I was out for projects, meetings, classes etc and I really had no time for revision nor rest. I didn't have time to make dhuha prayers, nor wake up early for tahajjud.

I am so tired.

It became clear to me that this sort of amals are indeed by-invitation basis. This shows that I wasn't sincere enough.

"O you who believe! turn to Allah a sincere turning; maybe your Lord will remove from you your evil and cause you to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, on the day on which Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him; their light shall run on before them and on their right hands; they shall say: Our Lord! make perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things." (At-Tahrim 66)

In this ayat, the word 'sincere' is mentioned as taubattan nasuha. This form of taubah, as how I am reflecting right now, is indeed a form of sincere turning- the kind of repentance that submits in view of a slave that has no form of rights and possessions, and that he voluntarily submits knowing that whatever punishment or reward he may receive, it is up to Him to make it. And in turn, you ask for Allah for Mercy, and make 'perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things.'

And here, the term 'nur' refers to the light that shines above all lights, or makrifah, and 'protection' refers to 'ghafur' which means forgiveness. And in asking forgiveness, you are seeking protection from the Creator, as how you ask forgiveness to your parents after a mistake you have made, and in that you are seeking safe haven, safe passage in the house by submitting to their will, to their rules, commands an prohibitions.

The thing here is that, even in sincerity, we need to ask of it from Allah. I once asked my dad, how do you attain khusyuk in prayers? In my mind, it must be about focus, about pushing various thoughts that will distract you.

But I was wrong.

My dad said,"Ask Allah for khusyuk."

In the end, the purpose of a slave is none but one: total dependance on God. A slave and a servant is different. The former refers to an individual that serves his Master without asking anything in return because he is indebted to the Master and owns nothing, but the latter refers to a person that does things in hopes of a payment in return.

Masya'allah! Such profound contrast!

I have always been doing things for Allah in hopes of getting something in return. Like I do tahajjud in hopes that my hajat is being answered.

But what should I do then to be a slave? Does that mean I don't do anything since I can't expect anything?

Allah says, conveying to us the words of his prophet Jacob (peace be upon him): “Never despair of Allah’s mercy. No one despairs of Allah’s mercy except the unbelieving people.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]

This means, that to assume good things from Allah is Just, and mercy will definitely come if there is sincerity, and sincerity must come with the affirmation in our soul, that it is up to Him to decide to give mercy or not, for as a slave my purpose is to continue to do what is commanded of me.

And thus I pray to you, oh Merciful One, grant me the wisdom and sincerity, for I am nothing without You.

------

on a side note, a friend was asking me, why am I teaching a lot of tuition? isn't it unbearable?

I told him that I have to work to save up money so that I can put my heart to Allah and His Religion closer. And my heart has been set upon it, because what I feel in my soul is true and real. :) so this flesh is nothing but His tool, and I strive to do what is best for everyone.

Hayyan fii qulubtu. Ya Allah berilah istiqamah dalam diri ini, untuk mencintaiMu, dan mencintainya.

Missing you.

Bagai pungguk rindukan Bulan

For Yoko:

Pungguk menunggu layu

pada siang harinya

datang pula senja

dan dedaun masa berguguran

kerinduan

menanti pasti akan penjelmaan

Bulan.

Pungguk

Hinggapnya diatas silara pepohon restu

Menegguk

dengan asyiknya madu iman

hatinya tenang penuh riang

menanti pasti akan penjelmaan

Bulan.

Pungguk

Terbang nun jauh ke seberang lautan jawi

mencari erti

diri

dan terjumpa ia peti

rahsia ilahi

pada celahan-celahan malam

nur cahaya sekarang dan silam

Bulan.

Pungguk

Akhirnya teduh di bawah bunga kasturi

harum mewangi

rohani dan jasmani

hakikat dirinya ia terima

pada luhur budi pekerti

menanti pasti akan penjelmaan

Bulan.

Bulan

menampakkan wajahnya pada bebintang malam

berkerlipan bagaikan mutiara pada lautan hitam

beburung yang berkelana tidak akan hilang

dan Bulan

menjadi penyeri iman di dalam hati

diri

ini.

Pungguk rindukan Bulan

Melihat asyiknya keindahan mempersona

hakikat Pencipta yang Agung

dalam cahaya Bulan

yang menawan.

Wahai Bulan

cinta sang pungguk berdiri tegap

atas luhur peribadi yang mantap

akan tugasnya sebagai insan

dan cintanya pada Bulan

kerna cintanya pada Tuhan

keindahan sifat Ar-Rahman

hadir dalam diri

Bulan.

:)

Fate and Destiny

I was sad when I heard from Yoko that two good friends parted ways, and in that short span of healing, quickly get themselves attached and in the process of marriage.

Although the situation between them and us was different, I still feel sad. Partly because the guy came to me to talk about it, and somehow or rather, he lost the will to fight for the girl, and kept blabbering that she should accept him for who he is, and that if it is meant to be, then it is meant to be.

2 issues here for me to reflect on myself:

1) I didn't part with Yoko because I cannot accept her for who she is. Rather, I cannot accept myself for who I have become. I became a monster. And to have someone so beautiful in mind and heart like Yoko requires due absent of such being. If I force her to accept who I am, then if my own self is wrong, then she accepts what is wrong? What about Allah? Allah decides what is Right and Wrong, and we as His servant should stick to what has been established. Even if you love someone, you have to base it on Allah. And not mere reasoning that she should accept me for who I am. She should accept me for who I am if I am worthy and manifest the Deen of Islam as much as possible. Because the Prophet SAW mentioned that the criteria for a good person in marriage is firstly the conception of religion in his/her mind and action.

2) If it is meant to be then it is meant to be sounds fallacious. To leave all matters to Allah also require right action. Leaving it to 'fate' or 'destiny' absent right action will of course beget to the denial of the bounties that he/she desires.

A sharing from what I have learnt in my Friday classes:

What was written as Destiny or Fate in the Book of Reality of God (or Loh Mahfuz) is beyond space and time, and thus, it is actually a book of possibilities where things that have yet to materialize are being manifested within what is known as 'the Mind of God' (which even Muslim theologians face some difficulties due to the lack of accurate words to express such abstract conception of God). That is why, when your niat is to do evil, but you didn't do it, you get a pahala. Because it has yet to be materialized yet. The intentions and actions that has already been determined by God in the Loh Mahfuz, will create paths of what will happen if you choose this or that.

For instance, if I have yet to learn to pray, and I just say, "I leave it to God to give me Taufiq and Hidayah" absent right action to choose and kick start the process of learning how to pray, then of course it is already predetermined that you won't receive his Guidance.

Same goes for Jodoh. If you feel that this person is the right one, but you simply say, "I leave it to God to decide", yes it is up to God to decide, but you must also choose correctly the path that you take so that the 'inclination' towards the choice in the future is there, with the thought in mind that Allah has all the Will to change it. But on his attribute of Mercy (Rahman) He will Provide, as long as you do not Deny Him (fabi ayyi alaa irabbikuma tukazziban).

Which is why the Prophet SAW mentioned to the Badawin to tie his camel when the Badawin said, "I am leaving this camel here and I let Allah decide."

It is the effort that we put in, the choices that we make, and only after that, we tawakkal to Allah, knowing with great belief, that Allah has the Power to Decide, and make things exist (Yasin: 82). But we try our best, and THEN we leave it to Allah. We hope, we ask, or 'munajat' to Allah, before we do it, during the action, and after it, that Allah guides our actions.

Which is why I believe that their situation is different compared to mine, and Yoko. Because I insist in my choices, that I love her for Allah. And I change to be a better person, because Allah loves those who are of Good Nature (Al-Fajr: 29-30), and that is my act in returning (raj'un) to Him.

And to me, marriage is another phase, for the husband and wife to further their knowledge of Allah.

Which is why I cannot find anyone better than Yoko :) her will to learn about Allah is amazing!

Random

I miss you. Very much. Do you?

Slowly but Surely

My mum and dad was sharing with me their feelings and opinions on my brother's marriage. At first I thought, wouldn't you be happy for them? I mean, its a marriage right? When two souls are ready to receive the light of God in a communion of bond?

Then my dad said that he felt slightly disappointed that my brother didn't do enough for the family.

In my mind, I was scared. I mean, not enough? When is enough? Is it monetary? because if it is, I would be in deep trouble. Because I plan to save up as much as I can to accumulate some wealth for my future, and also to pay off my debts to MUIS and my grandfather's waqf fund.

He continued saying that it wasn't monetary, but rather, the extra things that a son should do, to fill up the holes in the house that has yet to be addressed.

So its more than just monetary. Its the daily contribution in helping the management of the house (tadbir al-manzil). And he said, "Jangan pula buat bapak sampai rasa terkilan dengan kau."

That statement kinda shook my whole ground.

Although I did plan to teach tuition despite already working in the employment sector as well as taking up overtimes as much as I possibly could to increase my wealth so that I have enough cashflow to ask her hand in marrige and build the foundations of my family's future, the responsibilities spread out even further still. I was so worried that I could not sleep last night.

I woke up early morning and prayed to God. Oh Allah, why am I feeling this way? Why must I rush and still get worried about it? Why is this feeling burdening my heart?

And something came to me, as though God was speaking to me. Why should I be worried, when Allah is my Sole Provider? All I have to do is to work hard, and prepare my soul to be a worthy Man in His eyes, and leave all the worries of 'insufficiency' in time (slow personal and monetary growth), self (incompetency in managing my soul) and resources (monetary means). All I have to do, is to be consistent.

One of my exco members shared her experience of her past relationship, of which his lover was consistent in committing himself to make the relationship work, but she was the one that was inconsistent with her feelings.

The fact is: I was not consistent. I work hard, but I spend money on rubbish things like fizzy drinks. I made promises on not being angry, but I still couldn't control it. I made promises not to judge, but I still do. I made promises to make everyone happy, but yet, my idiotic selfishness makes everyone sad.

She concluded that she needs to review herself.

In my heart, I whispered: I concur. I was not being consistent. I helped my parents in this week, but never the following. I read the Quran this week, but never the following. I teach tuition to my little brother this week, but never the following.

I am so frustrated with myself.

But I have no strength no rights to begin with.

So Allah, please grant me istiqamah. The consistency to do the right things, and to prevent the doings of the wrong. Allah, guide me to the Path of those who are grateful of the bounties that You have granted. Allah, push away the desires of my evil self, and make deaf to my ears from the whispers from the Devil that keeps trying to insert evil thoughts, doubts, worries, insecurities in me.

Perhaps tonight's zikr class at Masjid Omar Kampung Melaka should do the trick. Let us start the day with consistency, insya'allah...

I doubt that you are reading this Yoko, but everyday I pray that Allah heals your broken heart and feel it with His love, and make it light and soft with His Gentleness (Lateef). And He were to erase the horrible memories and dreams of my monster, and keep those beautiful ones that will lift your heart. I hope that the day will come, when I am worthy of your heart, as how you deserve it to be. And hope that we shall walk into the strawberry fields again, with lighted pearls and lifted spirits, and walk towards His Grace... Amin. :)

Istiqamah

Yesterday my dad took MC, and was at home. So I decided to talk to him to gain more knowledge from this wise man.

Indeed, his advise was very wise.

I told him about how I feel inapt, unworthy, and somehow I lost myself in between the lines of hope and despair. I shared about what I have learnt by my teachers: about the meaning of happiness, about beauty and love, about ma'rifah. And I told him that I find it very difficult to prepare my soul to receive God's light. And I feel despair over my incompetencies that has resulted in hurting the loved ones around me, including Yoko.

So my dad said, "Ask Allah. If you do not Deny him, He will not Deny you."

And he said, "If you feel sad, close your eyes and tell your soul that Allah has promised you that in difficulty there is ease."

And he said, "If you feel that you are wrong and sinned, and you acknowledged it, then you are a step closer to Him."

And he said, "If you feel that you love someone because you know that by Allah she has the qualities of a good wife, then pray for consistency."

Istiqamah, and the ability to be conscious of my wrong doings and mistakes, are the important components in the process of preparing my soul to receive Allah's Light.

And I pray to Allah, that He cures me from the diseases of my Heart, from selfishness, anger, desires beyond needs, self-centeredness, riak, takabur, and loba. For this heart is in pain not because of the broken of ties from her, but from the broken of ties from God. This heart longs for His presence. This heart longs for justice to be served on itself. To be taken care of under the consciousness of Allah.

Allah, provide me with Your Love so that I longed to be with You.

Only with Your Love, I can love her..

*and now, I am beginning to love her more and more, as though I have met her for the first time*

An Old Book.

I am reposting this after reading through my whole blog. Apparently, I chucked this small book (written by me actually which have yet to be completed) somewhere among piled boxes. Here it goes:

An excerpt from a novel yet to be published, "The Rose, the Angel, and Me."


I tried to place myself in a world without fear, without pain, and an alarming piece of jigsaw from a time without space nor gateway to relinquish the evil of men.

And as I sat in that dimension, eyes shut so tight, lips sealed like a kiss of death, I saw a green meadow with a garden of fresh fluer de liu, rasberries and morning dews. The trees were covered with Sundus of great mellow.

I opened my eyes and asked the Angel, who was staring at me with that alluring eyes of hers.

"Is it true that every men who yearns the pandora box of life must go through a path of solitude?"

The Angel, despite the unclear sky of doubt that was hovering above us, took my heart from that space and asked me," What does your heart says?"

I looked at the heart that was beating with a rythmn of relentless serenity. It was sparkling. I hold the beating heart close to my ear and asked, "What is the answer?"

The heart kept beating. There wasn't an answer.

Impatient, I asked the Angel again, "Is it true, that every.."

The Angel interrupted me with a smile.

"If you are not ready for an answer, then let it be. Just continue to close your eyes. And let it be. Just continue to walk. And let it be. Just continue to embrace. And let it be. Just continue to love. And let it be."

I chuckled at the last statement.

She took my hand and shook it.

"What was that for?", I asked.

She smiled, almost like a silent whisper,"Love is a mystery. Up on the silver screen. All in good time."

~~~

I pondered at her words as I saw the Angel blew the clouds of doubts away that grew storms of discontent.

All in good time.

Then I knew.

And so I prayed, arms wide open.

"Oh Lord of the Universe, have mercy, and give me the patience to seek the answers."

It is not until then, that I knew, it was not up to me to decide upon the questions, nor put judgement on the actions of what I desire. It was never up to me, nor people, not even the Angel. It was just Him. The Omnipotent One.

Lift up my spirits

Beautiful song. Kinda reflects what I am feeling or facing at the moment.

Oh Allah, give me a chance to redeem myself from the things that I have done.

I have no right to ask You, for I am but Your slave. But in your Speech written in the Holy Qur'an, You mentioned "Berdoalah kepadaku, nescaya akan ku perkenankan kepadamu." (Al-Mu'min:60)

And I am forever indebted and dependent on You. The very breath. The very flutter of beat and desire. All are gifts from You.

Please Allah. For there is no other except You, my Rabb, my Ilah, my Provider who can help me, an insan that owns nothing.

My own version should sound like this:

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While I'm sitting here all alone trying to catch a shooting star and we don't know how
How we got into this mad situation, only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work, but, man, these times are hard

She needs me now but I can't seem to find my way
I got an aching mind that seems to work both ways and we don't know how
How we got into this mess, is it God's test? Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best
Trying to make things work, but, man, these times are hard

But we're gonna stop by praying to God that things will be right
Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

She's in line at the Pole with her head held high
While I just lost myself but didn't lose my mind, and we both now how
How we're going to make it work when it hurts, when you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Tryin' to make it work, but, man, these times are hard

But we're gonna start by putting intentions at places that are Right
Sit talking up all night, doing things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Ooooooooo x 3

Putting intentions at places that are Right
Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while, a while, yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

For the first time
Oh, for the first time
Yeah, for the first time
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me, baby
Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me, baby

Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me, baby
Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me, baby

----

I just got this feeling, that I am meeting you, for the first time.. :)

Cold

It seems that as time passes by ever since the day that ties were broken, the smses became more colder. What used to be lengthy smses became short ones, and what used to be warm became cold ones. Haish.

Perhaps she is really happy, and find me a source of despair. Like a mosquito that continues to irritate her.

I am sad. But I know I deserve this. She used to sms me cheerfully in the morning, only to be responded by long periods of no replies.

Perhaps some past are too painful for a person to forgive.

And that some pasts are too impactful to let go.

I merely implore, from the bottom of my heart, to not let the good moments leave her mind..

I feel really sad. Is this what you felt, the feeling of 'being an option'?

even if the messages were cold and emotionless, I accept it sincerely. Mistakes of the past are hard to forget, then let Allah warm the heart with His love, and vanquish the pain with His gentleness. Allah humma Ya Latiff.......

I am so sorry awak for putting you through this. Perhaps, indeed, you fare better with someone else than me. Although I am still asking Allah without fail to mend broken ties... and I will not give up on you....

"Tapiku percaya

Senua telah tertulis

dan niat suciku takkan disiakan

dan disuatu masa

di hari yang indah

ku hulur tangan ku,

lalu kau terima..."

I deserve the punishment of hatred and angst that my mouth has caused me. But do I also deserve a chance to redeem myself? wallahualam...

Poor

Mr Sani's message kept ringing in my ears:

There are a lot of things that needs to be researched, and be executed so that we can reach out to the poor.

The thing is, am I ready to lead the way?

Cuz frankly I am poor as well. I have not much cash. I have no assets. I have liabilities closing in on my monthly income thats fluctuating. And to top it off, I am not a good person yet. Yet.

And to think that I should help others when I have yet to help myself?

......

Zhalim on my Intellect

Masya'allah, its so cold today. Made arrangements to study at school, but in this weather, I doubt I would. So I decided to wake up early today to go to the market with Mum.

As we were just about done with the groceries, I noticed this smell lingering around my nose. I suspect it was dog poop. So I was looking around for the smell. It took me some time before I check my slippers, and found the source of it stuck under the grooves.

Astaghfirullah.

I choose to judge others quickly instead of my own selfish self.

This ability to judge is to be used to see my ownself, my own spiritual state that is far from righteous, to reflect upon myself as a servant of God and not to see others. To be able to reason is to be used to recognize MY own proper place in this world as a servant of God, and not to recognize others' proper places.

Astaghfirullah.

I have place zhalim on my intellect and my soul. I was not using my ability to judge in the right place.

Oh Allah, provide me with guidance to the right path. I have no right to ask for your guidance. But you are my Sole Provider, and there is no one else that I could ask from except You.

‘Allahumma, la ilaha illa anta. Subhanaka, inni kuntu minazzhalimin'

– ya Allah, tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau. Maha Suci Engkau. Sungguh aku ini termasuk orang-orang yang zalim’.

I don't deserve anything...

Warp Zone

Its been almost 3 days since I texted her.

And its been 3min since I checked my hp.

Am I that unworthy?

Am I that dispensable..?

Allah... Grant me mercy pls..

Condolences

My neighbour's dad just passed away peacefully yesterday morning.

I miss that uncle who always says hello to me whenever im leaving to school.

The look on the children's faces. That empty void.

As I attended his wake, and closed my eyes to pay my respects, I realized two things:

1) We always take for granted the things that we have, only to regret them when the person that we care dies. Its a kind of loss (khusr), or utter loss, where you have so many things to say, but death does not permit you to say it, and thus, you are rendered in utter loss and loneliness.

2) Cancer is like a warning letter to say that your passport is near expiring date. Once you receive it, it will usually be at stage 4, and you will know where you will stand, and make preparations for death.

And all around me, their relatives and close friends cried in grief and remorse.

My time will come one day as well.

Guess I am outta time.

Random

I miss you, Yoko....

A Reason

I woke up with a dream about you.

The more I try to detach myself away from the present, the more intoxicated the love that is in my heart. However this time, the love does not make me go crazy.

It gives me reason.

Reason to work hard, to prepare myself to be a worthy man.

To be an honorable man.

This love that Allah gives me, it gives me strength instead of weakness. Before, whenever we argue and I felt insecure, the monster inside me awaken, and I went berserk.

This time, I felt longing. I feel life. I feel human. Again.

Suatu Masa

-For you, Yoko.

Bagaimanakan ku mula
Dan apakah kata-kata
Yang indah untuk diabadikan
Tiap wajah berkisah
Tiap madah bererti
Manakah ilhamku

Cahaya di matamu
Senyum di bibirmu
mengukir seribu tanda pertanyaan
Mungkinkah kau jua dalam kerinduan
Di saat begini aku merindukah

Berhelai-helai surat
Terbiar di depanku
Tak dapat aku utuskan
Ku ramas semua
Dan ku buangkan
Jauh dari pandangan

Lalu aku kesal
Ku kumpul semula
Tak dapat ku nyatakan apa yang ku rasa
Jika engkau tahu di dalam hatiku
Mungkinkah kau sahut jeritan batinku

Dengarkanlah panggilanku
Dengarkanlah lagu untukmu
Angin lalu kau sampaikan
Rasa rindu yang membara
Kepadanya

Warna-warna cintaku
Kian pudar bersama
Malam yang gelap gelita
Entahkan kau rasakan
Apa yang aku rasa
Atau kau tak endah

Tapi ku percaya
Semua telah tertulis
Dan niat suciku takkan disiakan
Dan di suatu masa
Di hari yang indah
Ku hulur tanganku
Lalu kau terima

Mystery

I tried moving to RP to do my assignment by myself.

Half way through, I decided that I can't.

As it turns out, I have never went to RP alone. Simply because, Yoko was there all the time, lending me her warm company.

So I went back home, hoping to Allah that He softens her heart.

When she told me she does not want to give hope, I refused to believe it so. Because....

Allah always provide hope.

"(Allah,) The Originator of the heavens and the earth. When He decrees a matter, He only says to it, "Be," and it is." (Al-Baqarah, 117).

There is always hope for those who seek it in His name.

And in this context, I seek refuge under His guidance and All-knowing, and Mercy and Strength, for I am just a creation trying his best to be a good servant. And that I pray, that Allah swt, the Bringer of Hope and the Destroyer of all Despair, will provide the both of us, the mending of ties (jabeer kul kaseer), and is given a chance to redeem myself.

I now see the Truth of my Desires. Indeed, Allah provides me with this test to open my heart to His Truth: To love Yoko with sincerity of His love. And automatically, all will fall into proper place. Respect, kindness, care, generosity, tender love, guarded eyes and nafs, and of course, love (al-hub) that is based on hayat (ha-hidup lawannya mati; God's attributes of Existence that surpasses all existences, and with that, the recognition of myself as His slave) and baqa' (ba-kekal, lawannya fana'; God's attributes of His existence that does not perish, eternal, everlasting, does not have a beginning or end).

And with that, the knowledge that Allah has the Will to do as He pleases, and that He can create everlasting love that has a beginning where Muslims who love each other surpasses through this life till the next, and is shown through kinship (syafa'ah from Brotherhood ties) and beyond Paradise (the final destination of Man where they embrace the ones that they love and enjoys eternal love).

Ya Latif fu ya Latif. Ya Allah, berikanlah daku peluang untuk menebus kesalahan aku, untuk menjadi seorang hamba yang patuh atas agamaMu, dan mencintainya atas pemberianMu...

Missing you

I played badminton today with my buddies. Apparently I felt something missing that's so prominent.

I know that Yoko loves playing badminton, and just now I could see from her eyes some form of disappointment.

If I would have been a good person who really takes good care of her, I would have been playing badminton with her in the same team and laughing and smashing and having fun.

Then I would sent her back feeling happy that she is happy.

And I saw her fb status and I know she is sad.

Allah, please send me help and mend what is broken for us. Please.

I love her with all my heart.

No one can be my Yoko. No one, oh Allah....

Looking back

As I was busily trying to record the song 'If I had a Gun' by Noel Gallagher, I stumbled upon pictures and videos of you.

Yoko's secret video that bore message 'I hope that when you saw this video, you will laugh or something' or those secret videos she naughtily record without me knowing it, when I look so stressed up studying. Or those simple video journals we made at the Macdonalds @BPP while having nice cinnamon melts. And there were those funny and sweet pictures we took from this Macbook.

It made me laugh. It made me smile. And it made my day. :)

I asked God to mend my heart. And everytime I see your face, it mends itself. Everytime I push you away from my thoughts, it gets torn apart. Is this the answer to my prayers, oh Allah? Is this loving her sincerely?

---

I was reading Surah Yasin and I saw this verse:

79. Say: (O Muhammad ) "He will give life to them Who created them for the first time! And He is the All-Knower of every creation!"

80. He, Who produces for you fire out of the green tree, when behold! You kindle therewith.

81. Is it not He, Who created the heavens and the earth Able to create the like of them? Yes, indeed! He is the All-Knowing Supreme Creator.

82. Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, "Be!" and it is!

83. So Glorified is He and Exalted above all that they associate with Him, and in Whose Hands is the dominion of all things, and to Him you shall be returned.

Verse 81 shows that even if you try as much as you want to make something happen, you should ask Allah first, because He is All-knowing. And when He intends a thing to exist, He just need to make it happen, and it will happen. I was asking dad, what is the meaning of submission to Him. He says, to erase all thoughts that bind, and bind ourselves to Him. In Malay, he continued:

"Dia akan beri kepada sesiapa insan yang Dia suka. Dia suka kalau insanNya bermunajat, mengharap denganNya, berserah meminta pertolongan kepadaNya dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Atas belas kasihanNya, kita harus yakin bahawa Dia akan beri."

Aku hanya meminta ampun dan dedaun taubat kepada dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan selama aku hilang arahku. Aku akui bahawa diri ini lemah dan dangkal. Aku akui juga bahawa dahulu kala aku masih dibawah panjiNya, tetapi aku telah lemas dalam lautan nista. Ego diri, rasa diri benar dan haq, riak dan takabur, dan penyakit marah telah meresap dalam hatiku, dan selama setahun lebih lalu, ia telah berleluasa bagaikan kanser yang merebak, sampai ia menyakitkan orang lain. Ilmu yang ku timba, kerana tiada keikhlasan, hilang begitu sahaja.

I asked my mum, what is the way out of this mess. She simply said, "Solat Dhuha' and Tahajjud, jangan lepas al-Waqi'ah and Yasin tiap-tiap hari, dan telek diri. Kutuk diri. Dan sentiasa bermohon pada Allah keampunan."

Alhamdulillah, ada jalan keluar. :)

Regret and Loss

It has been 3 weeks since the day I lost someone precious to me. I could not narrate the pain that I feel in my heart. Is this what you felt back then, when I was being the most self-centered person that does not deserve your honour? By Allah, it is. It is the most devastating pain I have ever felt. Even more painful when my closed ones passed away. I felt so weak, physically and emotionally. I couldn't eat well. My weight decreased till 60kg. I stared at blank space most of the time at home. I kept looking at the phone, for a sign, for comfort, from someone that I hold so dear in my whole life.

I keep looking at the things that I did for you. I keep thinking that I am the best. I keep thinking that this is the right way, my way. I always think I should win. And in that, the one I that I love so dear, professed the very sentence that shook my whole world.

I asked God for help. And I gain some peace in me. I see reason now. I see myself foolish, dishonourable, treacherous, arrogant, temperament, self-centered, opiniative, judgemental and more. Is this how you bring me to the Right Path, Allah? If it is so, aku redha.... But please give me strength to face this..

I have some unspoken words that I can't say in front of you, to honour you. But perhaps, I would want to write it here, to express unspoken words.

I am sorry awak. From the bottom of my empty heart. On that Sunday, two days after the grieving news, I find strength and asked you whether you would want to accompany me study. At first I felt, are you out of your mind? It hurts, no? But I told Allah in my prayers, to guide me to answers that I need to seek. So you came. And there was this moment when you placed your head on the table and slept.

I cried watching you sleep. It wasn't a sad tear. It was a happy tear. To see you sleeping so peacefully. And suddenly, I saw flashbacks of you and I, that I feel so real to me. You were there when I first submitted my application to SIM. You where there protecting me when ppl shove unbearable words during FOC planning. You were there waiting patiently after my work, brought me cards of love, cookies made from those love. You wear beautiful clothes to make me smile. You were there in every part of my life. And to think that university life is the best phase of my existence, you are there all the time, without fail. You were there when I struggle to see strength in my studies. You were there to comfort my heart everytime I felt lonely. You were there when my parents and family show lackluster support on my education. You are there whenever I felt stress everytime I finish tuition. You were there when everyone shunned me aside. You stood strong in front of me, all arrows thrown on me, but you took it. And when I left that seat on Syura, you came crying to me after dealing with pain.. for me. You showered me love everytime I feel sad. You say, "its ok k awak... saya tetap sokong awak no matter what.. tomorrow is going to be a good day.. saya belanja ice cream k.." to me everytime i feel so down...

But I return it with anger. I judged your family and friends. I was so arrogant. so foolish. haish. I did zalim on you. I did zalim on you.... And I cannot forgive myself for the actions that I did. In the end, I did zalim on myself as well. And this is the retribution that I must face for the many zalims I did on you. You were not happy, because of this zalim. And I have failed. I am a failure. And I seek Allah's guidance and strenght.

I feel like wearing a rubbish bin on my head for the rest of my life.

As I type away my unspoken feelings for you, tears come streaming down. And through that moment of peace, when you slept on that table on Sunday, I had my answer:

I love you. I will always will. I saw sincerity in that love. I see that love. I feel that love. And for the first time in my life, I have acknowledged this love that we share, as real and true. And when I asked Allah in my heart, I whispered, "Is this the answer, oh Allah?" And then I felt peace. I felt love. I felt tremendous amount of love. The knowledge of Allah as the Sole Provider of my existence, bored down a single creation: my love for you, is by Allah's Grace. I love you, because of Allah. And now, I feel that deep inside your heart, in the subconscious realm of your soul, you still do. That you suppressed all of the pain, all by yourself, by Allah's grace, for the fear of the Devil that will conspire against the both of us. You sacrificed your emotions and feelings, to save us both. And in that moment, I feel love that I never felt before. A love like a light shining like the moon. It was you, who is the Gift from God, not me to you. It was you, who saved me from my foolishness. And Allah saved us both, through you.

And I have held bearing and strength, and I spoke to Allah, to be there with me in times where I feel lonely. You felt lonely because Allah was not in our love in many moments throughout our relationship. But I believe, that I know you also do, that there are moments where our love felt pure, connected.

Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart. Mend our hearts for you.

I see it True

The love of You

That spreads from the heavens and Earth.

Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart that's true.

Only to You we Return

Only to You we love

And protect us from the deviated path that will burn.

Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart that's true.

You fill my heart with light

You grant me the gift of Sun that is Bright

So shower us with mercy and forgiveness.

She is the woman that I love. And I love her because of Allah. And I leave the test of sincerity to Him. But my intentions will be corrected. It will be based on sincerity, on iman, on Islam, on Your Deen. Not on foolishness. I am lucky, to be granted a chance to redeem myself for Him. And awak, you will always be my moon. The light that shines, when all lights are out.

Hayya fi qulubinna.