The distraught in my head.

The terror.

I feel so down.

I feel alone.

The pain of past haunts me yet again.

And now my pride and joy of being a commander is all gone like the wind- the injury that I had 2 mths back single-handedly killed my soul.

"Chao keng..." The look in those eyes of my men doubting my ability to lead again now my pride has gone. So far the only loyal one that never fades in my eyes, is just my beloved 2IC, my 2SAW Pte to be LCP Fahmi, my good friend Sufian MG Commander, 2SG Taufik my best buddy, and all time favourite till the end buddy Saifuddin who himself felt how i feel-he got himself injured during an exercise that fractured his right thumb.

Loyalty is getting slim. It is the pride of being a commander dat strived me to where i once have been. Now its all over.

Though i manage to capture the hearts of the clerks who would certainly help me to write a good testimonial for my ORD, and the few good soldiers who share the same fate as me- shunted aside though we fought many exercises for the company. Yet now its like game over for us. And im treated like not a commander now. But i braved the shores by still being there for my men, my platoon. Though i shunt myself away from my platoon mates, i seek shelter from the shadows, trying to close my eyes and tell myself that everything is going to be absolutely fine. I made plans, but not the right time yet to initiate. Now all i could do is wait, in a pool of disappointment, sadness.

I feel so used ryt now. Like a fucking prostitute. Not just at work. Even my best friend. Haish.

The anger in me is so huge. I let some of it out at farz, the fact that she couldnt calm my monster down and still never learnt the previous mistakes she has made and the many pacts and promises she have yet trying to uphold. I cannot blaim her for my own mistakes. It is I, and I alone. And so I know I have to solve this on my own.

As I venture in the darkness again, the old past haunts me. Its like dejavu- going through the motion of being used and taken advantaged of put me down to the deepest hallow.

I want to be brave. I need a friend. A friend that can pat me on the back and smile at me and say, hey, everything is going to be fine. Be strong.

I hate my encik. I have a plan to destroy him completely. He will know that messing around with his loyal soldier has its negative side to the situation.

Ryt now, i feel useless.

I need an instant, suprising shocking but happy cheering up ryt now.

(now that i say this, i wonder if anyone could bring me out for an ice cream)

I hate me. I hate. Hate. :((