Man of the World

I slept the whole night after a series of strong battles of migraine. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah, I survived it. I thought God wouldn't spare me and would take my life away that very instance the migraine struck. It felt as though there were nails in my head.

I tried studying but i felt that I have lost my edge. The eye of the Tiger no longer resides in my chest. I tried studying but I am always distracted. It sounds perplexing, but I must admit that I find it lesser and lesser day by day, the very purpose of studying in RMIT.

Feverishly as it may sound, this is real. And I am scared of it. I seem to lose the drive forward. Like a toothless Tiger. And as I stared and hugged Atom, I realized that he too faces such predicament. He no longer eats from his bowl. I always find it heartwarming to see him at his bowl, standing on his two small feet, looking up, waiting patiently for someone's attention to feed him his favourite fresh cabbage. But now he sits in his home, lay docile, afraid, in pain, as though life has been ripped off his chest.

And as I looked out to the horizon from my window, the calmness came and reside in my soul. I search the moon, but it does not appear tonight. I ask Allah, please place in my heart the sight, because I think I am blind within.

And as I search for a glimpse of light, I feel tired, like Atom, and lay quietly, perturb by endless thoughts of insecurities. The 'what ifs' appear frequently like the buzzing of bees, but where is the honey?

Man of the World.

A befitting title to this post. Explains a thousand words describing what I am feeling right now.

People saw me, smiling at me, as though I am doing fine, doing good, everything all stable, all ok..

They can't see through me. And I do not have anyone to share this with, because I believe no one can understand it. And I was thinking, Allah created me, He place within me fear, emotions, insecurities, strength, weakness, and more. And when i was existing as a Soul, I knew perfectly and accepted earnestly, the things i would go through right now.

I remember telling myself before, when people that I care left me, I was born not to love and not to be loved. I was born to face this world alone. Absent company. Only the will to search for meaning.

As a kid, I used to be left unattended. A shadow of reality. Of parental expectations. I try my best to show my worth and value to make them proud, but its always compared to others, and as a result, there was only fear. Fear of not being acknowledged. I remember wearing my favourite shirt everytime its my birthday, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my room specking clean, only to be shunned aside with forgotten memories. I remember crying, all curled up under my table, as my other half received toys and sega games, and myself? I merely leech on them as though I own them but I own nothing.

And I remember nearly giving up on my own existence, and accepting my reality as a shadow of others ambition. I celebrated my birthday every midnight alone, buying a small piece of cake smuggled in my school bag, cooked my own maggi, put candles on my cake, and sing my own birthday songs to please myself. Telling myself that tomorrow its going to be ok. That one day, I will find my purpose. Every night on the 25th of September, I acknowledged my own existence. It kept me alive, and I thank Allah for it. For being there with me through those nights. Listening to my prayers.

And till now, I am acknowledging my own existence. That I exist because of Allah. And I accept my destiny of loneliness, knowing that You are always there, looking at me, as how I looked at You.

I don't deserve anything Allah. If no one acknowledges me, its ok. I think I can handle that. But if You don't, then I am Nothing. I am but a servant, and I am still finding that sincerity to acknowledged that with all my heart. Be my Light, the Light of All Lights. This place is dark. It is scary. I feel so alone. Only with Your Light, that I can see this World as it Is.

This world is temporary. So am I. The Man of the Temporal World.

*Listening to the Man of the World, Naruto ost*