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This whole week I was out for projects, meetings, classes etc and I really had no time for revision nor rest. I didn't have time to make dhuha prayers, nor wake up early for tahajjud.

I am so tired.

It became clear to me that this sort of amals are indeed by-invitation basis. This shows that I wasn't sincere enough.

"O you who believe! turn to Allah a sincere turning; maybe your Lord will remove from you your evil and cause you to enter gardens beneath which rivers flow, on the day on which Allah will not abase the Prophet and those who believe with him; their light shall run on before them and on their right hands; they shall say: Our Lord! make perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things." (At-Tahrim 66)

In this ayat, the word 'sincere' is mentioned as taubattan nasuha. This form of taubah, as how I am reflecting right now, is indeed a form of sincere turning- the kind of repentance that submits in view of a slave that has no form of rights and possessions, and that he voluntarily submits knowing that whatever punishment or reward he may receive, it is up to Him to make it. And in turn, you ask for Allah for Mercy, and make 'perfect for us our light, and grant us protection, surely Thou hast power over all things.'

And here, the term 'nur' refers to the light that shines above all lights, or makrifah, and 'protection' refers to 'ghafur' which means forgiveness. And in asking forgiveness, you are seeking protection from the Creator, as how you ask forgiveness to your parents after a mistake you have made, and in that you are seeking safe haven, safe passage in the house by submitting to their will, to their rules, commands an prohibitions.

The thing here is that, even in sincerity, we need to ask of it from Allah. I once asked my dad, how do you attain khusyuk in prayers? In my mind, it must be about focus, about pushing various thoughts that will distract you.

But I was wrong.

My dad said,"Ask Allah for khusyuk."

In the end, the purpose of a slave is none but one: total dependance on God. A slave and a servant is different. The former refers to an individual that serves his Master without asking anything in return because he is indebted to the Master and owns nothing, but the latter refers to a person that does things in hopes of a payment in return.

Masya'allah! Such profound contrast!

I have always been doing things for Allah in hopes of getting something in return. Like I do tahajjud in hopes that my hajat is being answered.

But what should I do then to be a slave? Does that mean I don't do anything since I can't expect anything?

Allah says, conveying to us the words of his prophet Jacob (peace be upon him): “Never despair of Allah’s mercy. No one despairs of Allah’s mercy except the unbelieving people.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]

This means, that to assume good things from Allah is Just, and mercy will definitely come if there is sincerity, and sincerity must come with the affirmation in our soul, that it is up to Him to decide to give mercy or not, for as a slave my purpose is to continue to do what is commanded of me.

And thus I pray to you, oh Merciful One, grant me the wisdom and sincerity, for I am nothing without You.

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on a side note, a friend was asking me, why am I teaching a lot of tuition? isn't it unbearable?

I told him that I have to work to save up money so that I can put my heart to Allah and His Religion closer. And my heart has been set upon it, because what I feel in my soul is true and real. :) so this flesh is nothing but His tool, and I strive to do what is best for everyone.

Hayyan fii qulubtu. Ya Allah berilah istiqamah dalam diri ini, untuk mencintaiMu, dan mencintainya.

Missing you.