Cast no shadow

April 23 is getting closer and closer.

April 16 is even closer than I thought it would be.

Two of the most important dates in my history that fully describes being me.

Even more important than my stupid birthday.

Even more important than my parent's birthdays.



And I don't think im strong enough to face it. Exactly 5 days. 5 days to the rush of memories that have hibernated quietly in the winter. I can feel it trembling under my fingers. The imminent danger.

And as I prepare myself for the wave of sadness to embrace the love anniversary between a kind soul and a troubled shadowless man, and the death anniversary of that very kind soul that has shaped and made a major paradigm shift in my perspectives, my thoughts, my feelings, my worldview, upon this god-forsaken world, I knew it is impossible to grasp something that is inevitable.

If only you'd be alive right now, we'd be celebrating 2 years of friendship and love. I'd be planning something really special for such a kind soul like you. 1 year has almost gone, and yet here I am, standing, defending your throne, like the dark knight you likened me to be. 1 year has almost gone, and here I am, still thinking of you, trying to see a glimpse of you amidst the streak of sun that shines through the green canopy of leaves, struggling to hear your soft and sweet voice in the pitter patter of the morning rain, attempting to feel your presence by merely closing my eyes and pretend we were in that house in the meadows with the garden of roses you sorely loved. 1 year has almost gone, and yet, here am I. Even as I stand strong in the light of the sun, I cast no shadow. The only flesh that cast a figure of darkness is the heart that you gave, sincere and pure, virgin and untouched. The heart that I hurt all the time, the selfish knife that kept plunging in and out unreluctantly. And yet, there you are, smiling, crying, like a pure baby, only knew about love. Just love.

I am a broken man, my kind-hearted friend. Trying to piece back myself. And as the world began to play its uncanny evil plot of distrust and misunderstanding, I only have your heart that beats a thousand emotions of love and tranquility, pure and sincerity, as a beacon of hope to salvage whatever that makes me human.

I miss you, my kind-hearted friend. You use to listen to all (the word 'all' carries a probability of almost a hundred percent of possibility) of the things that I see, I hear, I feel. And there you are, stroking my head, like a mother, like a best friend, listening intently and laugh and cry together. You were the only friend that knew me through and through. The only friend that I've shared my wildest dreams. You'll chuckle at the immaturity, my imperfect reflection, and take it as a form of perfection.

Here is a song for you, albeit counting down the days till our love anniversary. Little Dian Farzanna Binte Zainal.

PS: I told ibu of my intentions of the maulid this 19th, of how I wish God would grant my wishes, give our family safety and paradise, and also, put you among the people of paradise. And she told me, she misses you too. She cried, a tear leaking from the corner of her eyes, disbelief by the fact that you are now gone. I thought I was alone, the only one who cannot accept your passing. My guesses are wrong. She says, she misses the way you talk to her. How soft you were. How sweet you were. And she keeps repeating that. I hold on to the urge of telling her to stop cuz it hurts. But instead I hug her. For you.

PPS: I saw a glimpse of you on one of the lights on the Indoor Stadium when Liam sang this line, "Cuz if I have to go, in my heart you'd grow. And that's where you'll belong."