It is time I apply it after Ramadhan.
And my heart is at peace, after going through turmoils and turmoils of that 18 september. It is fresh in my memory still, but after spending a quiet time with myself on my birthday, I find it yet another successful attempt by myself in moving forward from this state of emptiness. It is amazing how a sunset at esplanade riverside can do to a person like me who is undergoing a major paradigm shift in life. I tried going against it, forgetting it, and many other means, but I have discovered that it is only within thyself; the ability to understand and accept the shortcomings of my own, the setbacks, and the reason behind all that has happened, the function of the reason, and ultimately, the purpose of the function, that has the power to heal.
Ramadhan proved yet again to be the best of periods amongst the many periods in a year. Alhamdulilah. By meditating in the dark, I can see myself in amidst of Allah's creation, and finally, as I closed my eyes to the nothingness, I see myself empty. Only that existed in my heart was our Lord, even His name vanquished. All I could feel is the comfort of being under His Mercy.
Now I can roughly protect my heart from unwanted criticism on people. Usually when I take the public transport via MRT, when I see punks and minahs and mats, I'd have negative thoughts on them. Same goes to latecomers during Friday Prayers.
Just now as I was rushing to pray, my mum had to ask me to take care of baby arfan first as she needed to take a quick shower. I was like, oh God im gonna be late.
When I reached the mosque, the khutbah was nearly at end, and as I stood at the doorway, holding my hands up high to doa, people at the 2nd floor stared at me. It was an uncomfortable stare- I know I was late. But I had a reason. So it opened my eyes to the faults I did before.
Do not judge people to quickly. In fact, judge yourself.
Ustaz Abu Zaki once said if i cud recall, kalau nampak org, kene pagar hati dari berkata2, tepis sangkaan buruk yg menjelma, dan kutuk diri sendiri, dan doa kepada Allah.
I think Ramadhan has made me into a better person. I saw the punks in the MRT, and I quickly told my heart, that they are better than me- my sins are far more heavier in Allah's eyes as compared to them cuz they are still young. They do not know, but I know. And I still act upon myself, all the sins that was already forewarned by Allah. I am a bad person. Perhaps even, when they grow older, they'd change to be someone better than me, and that when I die, these are the people who are gonna pray for me.
And I can feel the sacrifices of mum and dad. I recently spent 200 bux just on decoration purposes in IKEA last week. I was kinda pissed at it since my pay is quite low, and I sense there is a dire need to save up for university next year. I complained to my dad about it, hoping to get a few reimbursement, but instead my dad simply replied," That is nothing compared to years and years I have invested on bringing all of my beloved children up."
I went silent. After all these years I have failed to see myself as a small shrimp in this big ocean.
So I put a niat that I have given alms to my family, to help them. It was an ikhlas attempt to train my heart.
Alhamdulillah, recently I received a letter about the GST credit, and I got 275 bux. So God has given back something, and even more. Furthermore, Im receiving my monthly pay on Hari Raya itself. And Allah has granted me health such that I did not fall sick and so I have not taken any unpaid leaves. That means a full month pay!
I am at peace. I see Allah shaping me. Previously I was saddened about God's decision to not let me enter university dis year, however, instead, I gain so much more this year. I can see where my ship is heading. Allah wants me to be a better person, He gave me a year to gain experience. Life experience. Job experience. Multi-language opportunities. Alhamdulillah. :)
I found myself, and right now Alhamdulillah I know my strengths and weaknesses.
And I recently made contact with someone dearest to my heart, a human soul by the name of Hamizan- the most kind-hearted person I have ever met in my whole life. Recent events turned our friendship upside down, but now after asking forgiveness on my bdae, I told myself, her passing was a curse, but there is a gift in disguise. Alhamdulillah.
Everything happens for a reason, it is true.
And to top it all of, I received a long awaited email from a dear friend. And it really made me so happy.
Finally I got her picture haha! Mika. You are so simply interesting.
and she is already showing off the pictures I given her to her parents. She wrote in the email, that she boasted my pictures to her parents. Puzzled, I asked why. She replied that I was the first guy she emailed to, the first foreign guy she has ever had, and to make it even better, she likes chocolate-coloured skin guys like me. Hehehe.
on hari raya, it'll be our first video call. Cannot wait! Yata!!
PS: This song is hailed as the best song Oasis has ever produced. 13th October will be the day of reign and celebration for Oasiscoholic fans like me.
DIG YOUR SOUL OUT mates!
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