Dian farzanna is gone.
For a yr plus I have waited to glimpse her face, but now its all too late.
I went limp, numb by the words left in my phone. I sat outside IRAS lost in time. And at that moment I was listening to Acha Septriasa's Sampai Menutup Mata- the song that she sang to me. Tears just kept flowing. I couldn't hold it. So many sacrifices I have made. So many. So so many. So much patience and loyalty. For a year I hold on to the promises I've made.
I shall recapped the journey that I've been through. To let it all out. To stop the pain in my heart.
People hold the wrong perception on her. And I did my best to hold it back, to protect what I love. By believing.
Dian Farzanna is such a beauty. She was a friend. In fact the only friend that I share all the deepest darkest secrets of my life. She was there every step. every obstacle that I came across- she was there. Love blossomed only because of the friendship we share. I never get the chance to see her, but after 2 months of knowing each other, she pop the qn as I was about to leave Singapore for Taiwan.
A mix-blood of Caucasian-German-Pan Asian girl, she excelled in her studies, achieving First Class Honours in Music, from Royal College of London, Music. She was born a prodigy, often playing for me and my army friends music pieces like MCR etc on piano. A quiet girl, but full of life- until the sickness came and took it all away.
After getting together, I made her promise me to wait for me till I return from a mth in Taiwan, fetch me from the Airport. Love grew deep like roots pouring through the sands. Communication was limited over there. My handphone was stolen, and panicking to save my relationship, I forge through pain and thick, walking 14 km and back to the nearest 7-11 to find something, anything, that could help me. It was futile, as there wasnt any hicard on sale in Taiwan, and I bought a normal phonecard. So I used a friend's hp to msg her, only a few, and the rest leaving her voice msges to her hp. Even during RnR, I emailed her constantly to say how much I missed her. I kept looking at her pics in my psp, and during outfield, in that cold freezing place, I kept myself alive, by imagining how it feels like after all of this is over, and that at last I can be with her.
But my dreams were shattered. 5 days till Singapore, I received a msg from her thru Taufik's hp. She had to leave Singapore for Australia to follow her family. She cannot fetch me from the Airport. And she told me she would leave to London to further her studies.
I remember how it felt that day. I was sitting with my fellow best buddies. Din was there, with Taufik and Sufian. Izhar and Wanpee on the other side of the bed. We were cleaning our weapon in prep to leave camp for hotel. I remember the tears that slowly leaked out. I was thinking, why everytime Im dis close to feel a true relationship, it will result in a failure? Why?
I came back to Singapore and took a cab back home. Alone. I felt horrible. But I was determined to hold on. I say, i wait. I will wait. I will sacrifice. Maybe perhaps with the sacrifice and patience, things would work out.
We talked on the phone, and shared so much. I always felt happy everytime I talk to her on the hp. She bought me a cake to celebrate 5mths of our friendship and love. Nobody special would buy me a cake, but she did. And not just that. The many other expensive stuff which includes the Jane Shilton wallet, the jeans, shirts, and that exp leather blazer. And all i could afford was a lucky bracelet, and a musical box.
Probs came and go, but we went strong. There were a couple of times I felt so much tension, and she was saying abt breaking up and stuff, and I was so close of breaking it. But the heart kept going. I say no, I say we must be stronger.
That's when she was warded a cancer patient. They found a tumor a size of 50cent coin near her left brain. That explains her frequent headaches. At that moment it was stage 1.
She was broken. I felt so sorry. But I knew I have to be strong for her. There was a chance of recovery. I went around, maulids after maulids, tahlils and majlis zikr, to pray for her health. It was so intensive, nearly every sat and sun was filled with prayer sessions. Just for her.
I remember, during Ramadhan, I called her when she was sick and bed-ridden, and I read the Yasin followed by tearful doas to ask for mercy from God.
I wanted to see her. It was so desperate. I held on. Her tantrums, her sufferings, frequent calls to let out her physical pains- I became the punching bag. And for 7 mths I persevered. It was so tough. So rocky. And with so much stuff going on back in camp, I was left clueless on what to act upon.
And yet I kept praying. I kept praying. So many things happen, but yet I kept it all to myself. Nobody knew how i felt. They keep saying, leave her, she is sick, you don't even get the chance to see her, you deserve better haz. Den define better. Define.
5 relationships in a span of 3 years, and define me better. While people happily struck 3 years of relationship, I could only hope for more than a 5 mths.
It has always been that way. And I thought, it cannot happen between me and dian. It cannot. I have to give my all, my best. My 110%.
The songs that I sang to her, the late nights talking to her, assuring her to remain strong and kept faith. So much. So much.
And now its as though a vacuum suck everything out of me. I felt like vomitting. The memories were so painful. And yet ppl kept saying, teasing me, and never did they understand what I really went thru.
Only God knew. And the pillow that served as my crying hole, to hide my face while I silently let my pain go, wishing that I could wipe it all clean.
I tried smiling. I went to the toilet, and tried smiling. But all was fake.
Dian farzanna. My girl. My friend. My best friend.
And now she is gone. Forever.
Where now, haz? What now?
Move on? Get another? I know the drill. Time will pass, and it'll heal. New memories will cover the old ones. That's life. That's how you do it.
But what if I don't want to? What if I never ever want to commit anymore?
What if I give up, and commit my love to the world? Till I get old and ppl will just forget me while I die and rot in a quiet room where no one would visit me?
Who then would put me to my grave? Who then would pray for me when Im gone?
Im done. :( even tons of ice-creams wun help. I'll cry and weep and mourn till I can't cry no more. Isz Sazli gone. Now dian. Y..............................................................................................................................................................................................................
PS: fyi, the last words she ever said to me, was, " den you'll collect my corpse!" and all I did was say,"do come back to Singapore" :((
Am I a bad person? Do I deserve all this?
... Cintaku, sampai ku menutup mata...
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