im sick. very sick. n so is farz.

got 2 days attc. now resting at home.

wanna sleep now. :(

Wah, on duty is no joke seh..

Nasib baik aku cuti sampai dis sun! Wee! Akhirnya dapat gak aku pakai baju kurong pi masjid.. Dah lamer tak kunjung rumah Allah pat chua chu kang..

I use to do dat when i was in sec sch, my school just beside the mosque ma, so everitym got time i go n pray n relax my mind n be with God..

Betul cakap bapak aku, dahulukan akhirat, dunia akan ikot.. Mcm your mind is utter relax mode everytime you are with God or thinking of Him, perhaps its just the insignificant being of us by nature that we feel in happiness or in state of calmness wen we think or believe that someone or something is sheltering us, the ultimate being dat we believe wud help us in many ways..

thats why i believe faith and religion is very important. Islam- the submission, the way of life..

Speaking of guidance, i hope that i'd be able to talk to her dad or sumting, tell him not to go back overseas when they come back in september, luck is on my side, since there is Ramadhan in september, perhaps God is realli wif me..

She needs my presence, n spiritual presence.. N thats why she needs to stay here in spore, sana mana ada org soleh.. Im not talking about prayers at home with alot of people, dats 'umum', meaning its for the general public.. but for 'khusus', we need people, who prays all the time, zikr and salawah everyday, who understands and submit themselves totally to God, that is to say, para solihin.. orang soleh in spore masih ada, there is Syed Abbas, and there is more, ppl who preaches the way of truth and zikr not like for the public like in the mosque, but khusus..

Maulid.. dat is wad she needs.. Sultan wali-wali Jalaludin Hasan once said, "Those who bring maulid to their houses, will receive great prosperity, and peace in the mind and heart, and wen they die, they die at ease with the will of God."

How possible is this, 'maulid', a recitation or more like a remembrance to the Prophet Muhammad SAW so powerful in the eyes of God?

The prophet is 'rahmatillil alamin' - blessing to all universe..

He is the one closest to God.. His Messenger, and when the day comes, he would give the 'syafa'ah' to us to help us to reach paradise..

Dats why remembering him is remembering God himself..

Allah huma solli ala muhammad...

God says His salawah to the prophet..

Its like a 3-in-1 prayer, forgiveness, zikr to God, and pay respect to Muhammad SAW..

My last entry for this blog...

Cant seem to understand him...

Dont knoe wad he wants...

Cant seem to satisfy his needs...

Dont feel appreciated...

Cant seem to make it last...

I tried... N i tried... N i tried again... Tryin my best...

From tryin to make it better... It got worse instead...

But nothin seems to work out...

Wanting more... But never appreciates me...

So much for livin in moments...

Yea, livin in moments of hurt......

Im hurt... So hurt... Damn hurt...

Thanks for everythin....

May the Lord takes me into His care...

Farzanna the Fallen....

Amongst the freaks who create tension in my blog, i guess i forgot to update on the things around me.

1) EX SEMANGAT BERSATU was so tiring, it drains the eyebags out of me, especially zeroing the 120 plus styrs and mini-me (i dunno how to spell them haha) a day before the actual exercise

2) TODAY IS YOUTH DAY!!! DEN WAD THE FISH IM DOING?! GOING BACK TO CAMP AND ALL!! I SUPPOSE TO BE AT HOME ON OFF!!!

3) Happy Birthday to Dad MR ZAWAWI BUANG, his 46th birthday, and my lil bro Najiy his 13th birthday. May Allah bless our family wiv luck and prosperity.

4) I wun be booking out dis weekend cz i have a 2NTM duty. So anything jz gimme a beep.

5) My back is injured after a fray wiv the trees in the Lim Chu Kang forest swamp area, and now i think got possibility of a temporary downgrade wee!

6) I hate my encik.

7) Got an offer to go alaska for training but i reject cz the fact that 11 days off in lieu is given to those not going is a much better incentive!

8) Im gonna miss home! n my bed!

9) Farz, pls use the blog, ignore the freaks, jz continue to blog, dis is our way of communication kae? i noe its hard for the both of us, but we gotta stay together to work things out, especially now you're in Australia. Come back in August!! Maybe we can puasa together hehe!!

10) I love you farz


Dats all. Toodles!

The Bottomline

Dis is hazlami speaking.

The person. The original writer of dis blog.

THE ORIGINAL.

Peeps out there noe me, either liked me or hate me.

But hey, for those who liked me, im fine wiv it, we're having fun times together.

But for those who are at loggerheads at me, this is the bottomline.

THE BOTTOMLINE.

Im getting sick and tired of dis bullshit. Jason, you hurt my buddy Ariff. You try to ruin my life.

You are in Singapore. My homeland. And you're dead. Simple.

How bout dis. Be a gentleman. Meet up wiv me. One on one. Just you and me nigga. No men ard me. No one. Jz you n me. A cup of coffee. Sit down and have a chat. No violence, no nothing, jz me n u open table.

I dont wan anyone to be involved. Jz me n you. Simple?

If you have the balls to hit my Ariff, you have the balls to threaten my life, den of course you have th bloody guts to meet me one-on-one.

If you don't meet me, the nxt weekend, dis weekend im nt booking out cz im on duty, but nxt weekend, 14 n 15 july, give me a call.

Here's my number.

whoops, im not dat stupid. Reply me at my email. If you have the balls. If not, i guess you're nothing but a wussy.

Hahaha! A fish wussy who doesnt have the balls to meet the writer himself, n picking on others rather than the Original.

Yeah. Words can be jz words. We talked on theth or 15th, period ryt?

And to the rest, i dun give a shit. In fact, i wun let dis affect me or farz or anyone. I hv my frens, my clicks, my buddies, my men, my farz, my family. And i have God the Almighty wimme. N so im not afraid.

My dad use to say to me, " Dun be afraid if you're righteous, and dun let others affect you, for God is always with those who are patient."

And so i will be patient. Biar badai merempuh, adi idup, adi nglaban.

And yeah, abt the tagboard, it is an old tagboard like, 3 years of age, so i guess the time and system isnt working, sumtimes i tag the dates got all mixed up.

What i learnt from Ex Semangat Bersatu was that never believe in technology, haha.

I duncare what others think. If you're wif me, den you're wimme. If not, get lost, suck thumb, cuz i got the beauty chick not cz of my charms or my sense of humour, but cz of fate, trust, and sincerity, which i daresay, lack in many men who seeks lust from poor gullible gurls, and not a pure heart.

The end of the world is very near. Lust is everywhere. And so lacks the genuine of a men.

Men who have sex with multiple women, and married couples which in turn, destroys yet a beautiful bond of trust and love.

Men who seeks women cuz of their ego n to boost their confidence.

Men who is selfish, opprtunis, and yet, a failure to the human chain.

Where goes men who fight for their loved ones?
Where goes the men who fights for truth and honour?
Where goes the men who defends the weak?
The men who upholds moral truth and ethics?
The men who justify justice as selfless for others?

My father is such. And so is my grandfather. N i believe it goes up to my grandfathers grandfather, and so on.

And i wun fail them. I will carry on the teachings, and principles of my kind.

N let other kinds be as such to their own perspective. I dun care.

Cuz in the end im the one who will be answering in front of God for all my doings in life.

And there justice will prevail.

I never like to make enemies, i love humans as my own. If you think im your enemy, its ok. Cz i dun think id make you an enemy.

As the prophet Muhammad SAW went thru such pain in life, i shall do it too.

He never gave up. Ppl hated him, threw stones, go to war, wanted to assasinate him, and such. Ppl threaten him, he made lots of enemies.

Yet he made good frens, followers till the end of the days.

And he forgave them, and cz of that, ppl who hated him liked him.

He is a forgiver, n so i shall too.

And farz is real. How do you define real? How do you define reality?

5 senses? Nah..

To me, what defines real is the faith. The believe to love. And what if she is real? What if i post a pic of us together? Does that sent a signal to your brain, and from your eye, you make a judgement to your brain, and say, yes, she is real.

Then if thats the case, you dun have faith in god.

Can you see God? Can you see angels? Of course, if you're gonna die you'll see the angel of death, and that'll be too late.

Your mind is shallow by the will of your 5 senses. By the flaw of logics. And yes, if i cud say such, how to say wen im in camp?

4SIR does not have internet, im sorri to tell you.

See? See how shallow the thinking of humans like yourself?
Be free my friend, you may see a wall in front of you, feel it, smell it. But if you expand your mind, beneath the wall, beyond it, you'll see the world.

Haz loves farz now and forever.

Fell in a coma.. Was unconcious for few days.. Got discharged from hosp on fri 21st june.. Still recovering.. Darling haz is away with his unit on a joint military exercise with the Msian Army from 27th June to 29th June.. Misses him lots..

TO U GUYS N GALS OR WADEVA SHIT, MY HAZ IS FROM 4 SIR N HE IS CURRENTLY IN A JOINT EXERCISE WITH MSIAN RANGERS IN SINGAPORE.. DOES THE JUNGLE HAS LAPTOPS OR WADEVA SHIT FOR HIM TO BLOG OR TAG? I DONT THINK SO.. PLEASE USE SOME THOTS THINK B4 CONCLUDING.. IT WOULDNT HURT UR BRAIN TO THINK MINIMALLY FOR A WHILE..

Seems that this blog has created such a furore among sum individuals.. Would like to emphasise that this is a personal blog between myself n haz.. If u have nthg constructive to say, buzz off.. This is not ur domain.. For e record, my hubby haz is a stay in personnel in an active unit.. Would be ridiculous if its him taggin as if he has nothin better to do.. I assume e recent tags r from gals.. U knoe wad gals? Try signin up for e army n u'll knoe wad army life is like.. I dont even think u knoe wad stay in n active unit means. Basically no life.. Period.. If ur concerned bout us, appreciate it if u get in contact wif haz instead of taggin.. Ur stoopin to e same low level as some dudes did.. THAT would be much more professional albeit less misunderstandings etc..

Haz got me fair n square.. N we loved each other.. Wads so diff for all of u to understand.. FYI, im in Australia n he's in Spore.. We're apart physically, seperated.. Naturally we'll exploit every means of contactin n updatin each other.. N this blog is one of em..

U think i like being in this situation? Not being there for him vice versa n not being able to do wad most couples do? U guys n gals make me sick.. Like im not sick enuf.. Wad idiots n dimwits some ppl can be.. Wadeva!!

Farz Loves Haz on 28th June 2007...

silent prayers

God, are you testing me..

For i feel dis heavy burden you place upon my weak shoulders once again..

I have never felt dis pain, dis so powerful pain before.. And now my angel is away, all I have left is my own soul, a heart that is beating for me, you God, my family and friends dat supported me..

I feel dis knife of sadness in me.. I cudnt sleep, all the time worried dat I might not be there for her wen she wakes up, or she is in critical condition..

I do not understand the alma tears that kept flowing from her eyes despite her being in sleep.. Is she having a bad nightmare... She must be strong.. And for that to happen, i must be strong too..

Tmr i'll tell my oc wad im facing, maybe he got solutions to it.. For i must say it wud take more than courage to face dis, especially having to juggle work, family..

Perhaps dis is wad my mum felt wen i faced dis too.. all the time worried for me.. haish..

All i ask for you God.... Is to not separate us.. She has a pure heart.. Dun take that away from me, after you taken my pure heart away before.. She is the only person dat loves me so much, dat she wud be affected by everything dat happens to me.. Perhaps she feels wad i feel.. Thou we are far apart..

After 2NTM, i told myself dat i'll go there n see her.. I'll get the authorised papers to go.. n the money to go.. perhaps u bring ariff along too..

I wanna see her.. i realli do..
_______________________________

Farz... dun leave abang.. ayang pls dun leave me.. how can you be not here, if you are in my heart.. how can you be not strong, if you never gave up on me.. face your fears honey.. face it w faith in god, in me, in u, in ur family dat are always beside you.. abang may not be there beside you, soon i will, but im here in your heart.. find me there.. like how i found u in my dreams last nite.. how you cried in the corner, n how i hold your hand n told you to be strong.. how you hugged me..

Ayang.. abg is fine.. jus a bit bruises here n there.. but ayang.. im so worried about you.. i miss you..

the way you smile at me.. the way you msg me everitim i didnt reply you, "abaaang.." how you play hard to get w me, how you console me everitim im having a hard day at work or at home..

i miss you... so much...

N i love you... I love you farz...

n i'll wait for you to wake up, i promise....

pray for my farz.. she is very sick.. she is in a coma.. to all my dear frens, n perhaps my foes, i beg u..

pray for her, to all religions and races.. pray for her..

im broken without her.. i feel so lost.. so much pain.. so much remorse.. so much guilt..

i cant live without her.. god pls..

Allah Tuhan ku.. Zat yg Maha Penyayang.. Kasihanilah diri ini yang fana lagi hina.. Sesungguhnya aku tiada daya dan upaya ya Allah.. aku hanya mampu berdoa.. Zat yang maha penolong, berilah pertolongan kepada ku.. Dengan setiap dugaan telah engkau coba diri ini, namun ujian ini tk mampu bagiku untuk memikulnya.. Berikanlah kesihatan kpd wanita yg ku cinta ini dgn sejujur dn seikhlas hati.. Namun jika dikau ingin mengambilnya, masukkanlah dia bersama2 mereka yg bersabar.. dan matikanlah hati ini untuk mencintai yg lain.. dan hanya menunggu ketibaan dikau mengambil nyawaku dn bersatu kita bersama.. Ya Allah ya Tuhanku.. Aku ini hina.. hanya makhluk mu yg kerdil dan tk berupaya.. Ubahlah nasib kami ini ya zat yg menghilangkan segala kesusahan..

dengan berkat segala amalan ku, berkat kemuliaan Rasulullah, ibubapaku, guru-guruku, dan sahabat-sahabatku, berkat ku hadir dlm majlis besar maulid rasulmu, dan majlis2 zikr dan tasbih dan salawat.. berkat ku menolong ibuku dan menyayangiku.. kau berikanlah kami kesejahteraan, dan kebahgiaan, dunia dan akhirat..

i love you farz.. yesterday, today.. n forever.....

Abang?.. Ayang here.. Im in the hosp now sweetheart.. Im in the ward alreadi.. Im restin for e moment before the stupid docs start the checks and so on.. I wanna msg u, but i dont wanna disturb u sayang.. Ur gonna be in the jungle, training.. Must be havin a lot of preparations.. Cant be selfish and keep contactin u as much as i wanna.. Miss u sayang.. Loads and loads of love.. =(

Haiz, i feel so sick here alreadi.. Seeing all these sick ppl, the smell of medicine makes me quesy enough.. Luckily im in a single ward so im not disturbed or perturbed by any unsightly events here.. Ruz, thanks kak.. Thanks for being here wimme.. I love u kak... Haiz....

My Lord, I must survive.. Im strong enuf.. I'll look fear rite into its eyes as i always have.. I'll face fear and subdue it... Oo Lord, where's the warrior princess in me??.. Where's Lady Farz from the House of Syvel??.. Where is she in this dire moment when i needed her counsel most??.. Oo Lady Farz, falter this not.. Fulfil your oath to me once again... I summoned u and the Riders of Syvel!

Now is the hour to come,

Riders of Syvel, daughters of Damra!!

Foes and fire before you,

And your loved ones far behind..

Yet though you fight upon a foreign land..

The glory that you reap shall be your own forever..

Oaths ye have taken! Fulfil them all!

I need to fight this battle.. I must survive.. I must be strong... I must win it.. For my sake, for haz and that of my family.. I have lots to accomplish.. Lots to do.. Lots to see.. Lots to learn....

Mourn not Farzanna!..

For your Riders are here..

To fulfil their oath once again..

For the mighty will not fall..

When the mound is raised..

The women shall never weep..

For they shall be your standard bearers in battle..

For war now calls upon us!..

Its been long since i donned my battle gear.. Now i have to wear it again for my own decisive victory.. So help me God.. I'll survive sayang.. Ayang'll survive.. I love u sweetheart.. So much.. So very much.. Muacks...

Farz Loves Haz on Mon... 110607...

Kinda having a rough patch with haz past week.. He's been stretched busy n tired at work.. N i keep buggin him.. Led to probs i guess.. Perhaps its jus me, wantin him but i cant... Had some quarrels but make up eventualie.. Thank God.. I jus hate it wen he becomes a monster.. Cuz wadeva im tryin to say to him is not being "received properly" by him and his words tend to hurt me.. Lots... I knoe im not dat perfect and i knoe it takes two hands to clap.. But now, all is well, thank god.. And we're both smittenly in love now... Muacks!...

Well, wad can i say.. Erm.. My parents are in Msia now n my sis ruz is back wimme.. Apparently they're invited to attend PM Abdullah's weddin.. His new portugese-descent wife is a very very very distant relative of my mum's side.. Not realie close to Auntie Jeanne.. But well, off they went.. Hmm.. Not realie comfy wif the fact that he remarry again.. I knoe that perhaps its fate but its jus that he said realie love his 1st wife Endon.. N he stil loves her but he's fallin in love with another.. I mean wad e hell.. Thats not true love to ur !st wife isnt it? I dunno lar perhaps its jus my own principles in life.. Once i gave my heart to sumone, i cant love another.. N i mean it.. Haz should knoe wad im talkin bout.. Muacks!

Haiz.... Okae lar okae lar.. Wadeva it is, Selamat Pengantin Baru to Auntie Jeanne n erm Uncle Abdullah??.. Hurhurhur..

I gave him some of my piano music pieces that i played before when i was practising music.. Dont realie knoe how to put it in the blog, perhaps i leave that to my hubby.. Can sayang? Sayang abang.. Hmm.. Well, he loved my music good n was sayin that im so multi talented.. Im not baby.. Im not.. Maybe its jus dat my interest is there sweetheart.. I hope he puts it in his mp3 player, so he can listen to my songs anytime n anywhere.. N im in his thots..

=( Missed u sweetheart..

His family jus came back from a trip.. Think they went to Jakarta n Dubai if i could recall correctly.. N it seems that the whole family is sick now esp his mum.. Hope she's okae.. N my poor baby nasrun, my cute-lil-sexy-to-be-hunk-when-he-grows-up.. Hurhur.. Get well fast kae dear?.. Hmm.. Well, my darling has been tendin to the family's needs.. Cookin, washin etc.. So nice of him.. Wish im there wif him. I can help him out with e chores.. Perhaps it could be a feel of wads like if we're married later.. Hurhur..

Haiz.. Missed u sweetheart.. N ur goin to jungle for 3 days n 2 nites from Mon onwards.. Take care sayang.. Ur always in my heart dear.. Well, past days i have been cryin a lot.. Feelin kinda sad.. Cause i hafta be warded on Mon evening at the hosp for sum cardiovascular checks, tests n wad have u.. Tsk, im fine!.. Im okae!.. Why do you insist that i must get back!... Im strong!.... Sob... Abaaanng.... Ayang Scared.. Ayang Sad.. Ayang feelin lost n lousy.. Ayang hate goin to the hosp... Its a jail for me sayang.. A jail!... Even if im not sick, i feel sick there.... =(

I promised u i'll be strong sayang... I will.. Im strong... I will survive... So help me God.. Take care sweetheart.. Love u loads... I'll love u always... Muacks....

Farz loves Haz on Sun... 100607...

Sayang,

Im sorie that i have hurt you.. I didnt mean too sweetheart.. Im sorie that ayang did not do wads expected of me as ur gal.. I too feel upset bout it now..

Abang, ur my very first and last companion in my heart.. And you know that i mean wad i say.. I will not accept any other guy.. I cant live without u sayang..

I'd rather die than to not be with you...

God... I love you so much Haz...
Cried when i was playin this song on the piano...

Embun di pagi buta..

Menebarkan bau asa..

Detik demi detik ku hitung..

Inikah saat ku pergi..

Oh Tuhan ku cinta dia..

Berikanlah aku hidup..

Takkan ku sakiti dia..

Hukum aku bila terjadi..

Aku tak mudah mencintai..

Aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta..

Aku tak mudah mengatakan..

Aku jatuh cinta...

Senandungku hanya untuk cinta..

Tirakatku hanya untuk engkau..

Tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta..

Sampai ku menutup mata...

Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...

Oh Tuhan ku cinta dia..

Berikanlah aku hidup..

Takkan ku sakiti dia..

Hukum aku bila terjadi..

I love you sayang..

Gue akan senantiasa cinta kamu..

Muacks!

pain

im in pain..

"Fighting all the demons will take time.."

I got to heal fast.. cuz i feel so much pain i've never felt.. angst, sadness, it perturbs me..

I had to do it farz.. Im sorry.. Its the only way for you to realise how beautiful you are, n how much u need to love yourself first before you could love me..

Im none but a person with a black hole.. Empty like a vessel.. Thou i may seem to be cheerful and full of crap.. Haish.. I guess no one would ever understand how i think, how i feel..

There's more to abg then what ayg may think i am..

No matter what, I'll always love you, n i'll wait for you..

Hope you're reading dis, n the songs dat i wanted to pass you are all here for you to hear.. take care dear..

You seem to not understand what i meant by live in moments..

Someone taught me dis wen i was in jc1, she told me that life have to be taken a step at a time, and wen u live your life per day basis, things wud be better sumtimes..

She is quite true, but i'd rather live in moments that take my breathe away..

Let say, we are having a sweet time together eating ice cream.. I make that moment last forever, n it becomes more than a memory, a powerful patronus dat becomes a guardian..

And so, whenever im alone, in the woods, or mountains, tired and in stress, in need of an angel, all i need is to relive that moment, and it wud be enuf to make me smile that'll cheer me up the rest of the intense day.

Live by moments.. We have the power to choose which moments we wanna crystallise it to be a shell, so that whenever we feel so defenseless, we seek shelter from such shell, in that small confine space of shell, we find happiness that thou temporary, enuf to make us happy or smile..

It makes us stronger, or weaker..

All i need from you farz, is the understanding of this philosophy. This might just make us stronger...

Im always thinkin of you, day n nite..

Kau tercipta untukku farz, dan aku takkan hilangkan perasaan ini, kerna ia amat bangat sekali istimewa bagi ku. Aku tidak mampu menulis ia menjadi kata-kata, tapi hanya mampu ku suntik ia dalam irama bayu yang selalu meniup di mukamu pabila kau renung panjang di luar kamar..

Percayalah, kerna sesungguhnya hanya tuhan sahaja yang tahu isi hati ini..

Its either we grow stronger, or we will fall. Its your choice. Thou im still angry, im cooling down.. I wanna make it happen ayg, n i cannot do it alone..

PS: i dunno wad to say alr. :(

smitten... :D

im having the life of passion n fun n love...

cuz my girlfriend did something none ever did in my entire life...

SHE BOUGHT ME A HARRY POTTER BOOK!!!!!!

And its the LAST SERIES!!!?!!

and i n u noe... dat mr hazlami here.. its a god damn fanatic freak of harry potter...!!!

Im like living my life with magic see..

If u look deep in my brain wen im like stoning or sumting, im nt picturing sexy hot ppl in jerseys, but im picturing myself having a wand in my hand n can wish for anything...

ANYTHING- thats a very likeable word, dun cha tink? haha..

I can just apparate to the mama shop, n back, or fly myself with a firebolt to orchard rd, or bring farz to sit with the moon n stars..

Or i can conjure myself two hands so dat they cud massage my backsoaken pain at the spine..
haha.. dream on loverboi..

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Hahaha. im so high i can fly like superman n spin a web like spiderman, throw fire like torch, or zip my way thru like flash hahaha!!!

Im singing in the toilet again... :)

Mwah! U deserve a gd treat! :)

Gona take leave when u come back n spend like a week wiv u hahaha!

I think she does not understood the power of a voice.. Perhaps im a vocalist.. She would be gone for months, years.. N i feel broken again..

Whats happening to me.. I feel so numb.. Smiling means nothing but a facial concortion of wad is known as human body language. Laughing is nothing but gases of air pumped out from my lungs.

Perhaps i cannot swallow the cold truth that i wun be seeing her for a v long time.. I never have long distance relationship before..

Msging wun be enough.. Thats for sure.. I remember when i was in taiwan, n i cudnt msg her, i went thru 2-3mountains just to give her a voice msg on the phone to say that im fine and all.. N i walked 14km just to find a phonecard for me to use to make such voice msges..

The power of a voice is by far unimaginable to me.. A singer who sings a poem with the right rythmn wud touch ppl hearts more than a poet who recites them..

I called my mum after a long week of pure ops, n when i hear her voice, after so many days of not calling her, i missed her so much.. and it made me stronger.. n her advices became more than just a msg, it became words of love n comfort for me.. N thru that phonecall, i hear the sincerity of a mother's love to her son.. N when i reached home tonite, i hugged her so tite it took her 2 mins to endure my bear hug haha..

Perhaps u wud never noe the power of voice.. Face it hazlami.. Face the facts.. Dun be weak..

*wanna go to sleep.. in my warm cozy bed i call my own 'walls of heaven' where i find the most safest, most heaven-like place on earth.. where in the dark my heart beats light that gave me the warmth, n in the dark i seek shelter frm the cruel natures of life.. n i wanna dream, of meadows.. vast meadows.. with lots of flowers of many colours.. the gentle breeze.. the warm sun.. not too hot, n not too cold.. the birds chirping notes of lament beauty.. no mozzies.. n there, beside the meadows, is a small cottage, with a small garden of flowers that i grew. in the house there'll be a couch with a thick blanket infront of the fireplace.. my room up on the 2nd floor.. where the sides of the room have long windows.. n the roof has a curtain where when i pull it open, it reveals a window where i can see the sky.. n there i'll lay on bed, seeing the many stars that shine on me, n in the morn i cud see the sunrise to my left.. n the sunsets to my right.. *

beautiful slumber....

This blog entry is put up in response to those have yet to understand the love that me and Haz had for each other..

Yesterday, i was in the msn chattin while checkin my mails and stuffs when suddenly a guy "fren" of mine from msn get into a convo with me.. Apparently, news had spread bout me gettin attached and he soon begin questionnin me stuffs bout me n haz.. I didnt realie told him much since i view such stuffs as personal n private.. Same as in which my dad would told me to mind my own biz when im tryin to be kaypoh.. If i could quote daddy in his baritone voice, he'd bark as if i was his soldier... Hurhur!..

"RESTRICTED! STAFF IN CONFIDENCE!"

Coming back to dis issue of mine.. Dat guy then began condemnin n said stuffs which hurts me as i was readin.. Well.. simply said.. He might have liked me before.. He might have tried to court me.. He might have tried all sort of means to get me.. However u failed in ur quest.. Im not tryin to be a bitch here.. Im not a casanova, im not dat pretty.. There are other gals whose beauty surpassed me.. N for your info, i was hurt by u guys! Jus like u!.. I was hurt so bad that my past hurts and it still haunts me.. It was a trying period for me to get back on my two feet.. Luckily, my bro was around givin me all e encouragement n support i need to be the farzanna who i am.. Now, let me get this straight.. Hazlami won my heart fair and square.. With no sort of advantages given to him.. U could ask him that.. He tried his best.. I could feel his sincerity and his love.. And according to him, he now have sumthin which the rest dont.. The appreciation ofmany beauty of life, like love... So then.. The question remains..

Wad right do u have to say such hurtful words, not onlie to me but also to my haz?!

Look, u may have been tryin to get me but sorie u didnt make it.. I may sound mean but dats life.. U curse me? My love with him? Fine.. I'll keep quiet and not join this childish-swearing boo hoo game of urs.. Ur not even a gentleman to accept defeat.. Have u got no balls in doing so?

Let me get this straight and may it be etched in those mind who wished me or us ill.. Im not like many other gals out there which can be bought with materialistic riches.. Even if im so poor that u guys out there asked for my love just for a handful of rice, i'd rather die hungry.. This is the Farzanna whom i am.. I know wad loyalty n true love means.. I have my own principles in life and these are part of them.. N i shall stand by my principles, by my ground, till my last breathe.. In my heart, ther's room for 5.. The Almighty God, his Honourable Prophets, my family, loved ones.. And lastly Hazlami, who is occupying the most space in me.. Peace out bugger!

RUMIE DAN JULI

Rumie dan Julie.. Dua remaja saling bercinta.. Berjanji sehidup semati.. Bersumpah setia..

Kekal abadi oh.. Rumie dan Julie.. Lambang cinta yang suci dan murni.. Kasih sayangmu kekal abadi..

Hingga akhir nanti Oh... Rumie dan Julie.. Keabadian cintamu.. Menjadi lambang setia..

Saling cinta menyintai.. Antara sesama oh.. Oh.. Rumie dan Julie.. Lambang cinta yang luhur dan suci.. Tetap dikenang hingga kini.. Oh cinta.. Rumie dan Julie..

Muacks.. I love u sayang.. Take care..

Farz loves Haz on Tuesday... 220507...

Got sick today.. Down with my bouts of migraine flu n fever.. Damn it.. Hate being sick.. N there's no one to take care of me.. Didnt realie eat anythin for the past few days.. Had no appetite at all.. Unless u see my two bars of snickers as food of course.. Think dats all i ate for the past two days.. My hubby haz asked me to ate at least a bread.. N if he was here wif me, he would had force me to ate bread with him.. Sweet... Muacks.. Sayang abang.. But honey, dats not a good idea.. I'll vomit.. I knoe myself when im sick sayang.. Just missed u so much dear.. Wish ur hear wimme.. N for the fact that he's havin his 12 hrs duty in which our communication has to be minimalised since he's on duty.. Im beginning to miss my hubby more.. N there's no one home.. Been alone all day..

My family went to our private ranch for a day or two.. Takin a look at our horses, makin sure that the money my parents invested bear fruits.. Didnt wanna followthem, gotta take a 2hr long drive to our ranch.. Preferred to stay at home.. Well, it runs in e family.. All of us are avid horse lovers.. We love riding and i myself have two horses.. Perhaps one day, i'll teach haz how to ride one.. Hmmm... I'll make e horse run so fast dat he'll cry for me.. Hurhurhur!

Haiz.. Pity my hubby.. His back hurts.. Been complaining, i'll massage it if im wif u dear.. Serious.. U served ur duty well, standin for hours.. Must've been tiring.. Muacks *hugs*..

I'll send over the stuffs over to u okae? Hope u like it dear.. Jus a few stuffs i bought for u when i was shoppin.. Was thinkin bout you.. So, ya.. Bought some stuffs.. Specially for my dear sweet darling haz..

*Lookin forward to ur next day off sayang..* Muacks!

Farz loves Haz on Monday... 210507...
(contactable at cerca_trova_farz@hotmail.com)

Ops Bacinet - Protectors of Singapore, Silent and Deadly

Haha.. Its been a while since I've blogged.. Been busy man, got ops to do.. Real ops haha, get it u freaks at bmtc? Im in ops! Life rounds! haha.. So u better show respect to guys from the active unit that is really protecting your ass.. And ya, the country's economic interest.

Jurong Island- A land of opportunities for many investors. The air is filled with thick chlorinated gas and carbon dioxide waste. But still, the men of 4SIR never gave up, we pillowed thru the bitterness of this intoxicated land of petrol and chemical waste full of pride as protectors of Singapore..

Pilled up gentlemen! Lets go, I say to my men, as they went to draw their wives out and the thing dat keeps the terrorist out.. Live rounds..

Lock and load. Keep sharp gentlemen. Where's your posture Andrew? Shag ah? Lampa lah. I make you stand more then you noe. Dats how i usually say to my men. Gota keep the posture there. Fingers outside the trigger. Hands buckle. Stand straight, no standing on one leg. Keep your face cool calm and dangerous. Shades, wear them. Show your force. Your power..

My men and I were tested again, dis time the lab rats of the company, going in first, and taking the toughest sector in the whole ops, the imigration sector. Many people, bangla, thai, spore, china workers clustered together and make noise when they went up the bus to work in the island. The air is filled with carbon monoxide, carbon, smoke, sweat.. It was tough. Cameras were everywhere. We have to stand straight for hours. Shifts. I made schedules for them. But i have to sacrifice. Cudnt sit for 8 hrs straight. Standing and walking and reassuring my men n pushing them to show force and not yield. It was the toughest i felt. When it ended, it was satisfying. After my shift, the rest of the men from my company got better welfare with an extra 2 men. 7 v/s 9 men including me is alot you know.

My back hurts. My shoulders are aching from the weight of our sbo. But i still find it cool haha. Shades, pda, comms set, weapon, LIVE ROUNDS..

Anytime there is aggression, the rules of engagement is applied. Cock it, stop or i'll shoot!

Haha.. Din Dang Danger Dangerous!



PS: Penat sey ayg, dah kat saner penat, balik pon penat hehehe *thinkin*, but i like...

Miss you.. Come back to SINGAPORE!!! I'll PROTECT YOU!! HAHA!

And thanxs farz honey, for the stuffs u bought.. byk sgt.. hehehe..

The fallen of 3SG Isz Sazli- a soldier, a loyal son, a trusted friend, an honourable man

I am in mourn for the death of my best buddy in college, Isz Sazli. When i heard the news, I didn't know it was him till i heard it from my brother. I just msged him like 2 weeks ago saying good luck n prayers since he was going off to taiwan, and i just came back from it. N now, i cannot msg him anymore. It hurts if i think about it. Somehow, when i saw the sand falling on his remains in his grave brought back many memories of us.. Like a falling time capsule that turns out to be poison that killed me slowly..

Isz Sazli was the first friend i made when i first step into Anderson Junior College. Like a loyal and friendly buddy, it was like love at first sight as friends. I remember it as clear as the waters flowing from the alps. It was friday. He asked me, hey there, are u goin to the mosque?

I said, yeah. U coming with me? Wads ur name buddy?

He said, My name is Isz Sazli.

At first, i thot, hey, dis guy got sum problems with his 's' pronounciation, haha. But i shrugged it off that thought. I asked him again,

"Isz Sazali?"

No! He insisted. Its Isz Sazli. Till then, everytime people speak his wrong name, he will put his foot down and say, its sazli, not sazali.

Thats him.

His a guy with never a shrouding face. Always bright n sunny. Smiles everywhere. I remember buddy, you helped me when I liked you classmate, aishah. And u helped me. I still got the small cat tag that aish wanted me to have n asked u to give it to me. Its in my hands now. Haish..

N when aish left, n when i thot my life was crashing down on me, I remember buddy, ur the only friend who put ur warm big arms around me with full of sincerity, n said, "Its ok haz. Let it go. She'll realise one day that its not worth it leaving u like this. Coz she is leaving the best guy i have ever met"

Haish. I asked him to accompany me to join the kompang team, n there, we enjoyed as much as we can. He helped out when my uncle got married. Ramlie, Haikal n my bro never stopped bullying him. Still remember that nick burg video yeah buddy? But he liked it. Cuz we are his friends. N even thou they like to beat him, from a far, i see hime smiling happy, because we are his friends in college.

When we turned jc2, n my bro's batch left, he felt alone. The other malay people didnt like talk to him that much. I remember a friend of mine loved to taunt and teased him bout his ways n his words.. He didnt show up during his funeral, bless that guy, cuz i dunno whether he already asked for forgiveness. He stayed on wimme. He supported me incredibly, lining up the student council to favour me during the AJ IDOL 2005, he was wiv the crowd enjoying the music. N after the competition, he came up to me, smiling, and said, "Good job haz!"

Haish. The last time i saw him was during BMT. He wanted to be an officer, as a regular. The thing that make me feel guilty was the fact that i discourage him, i told him not to, just be a specialist, more rewarding.. Haish..

Things would be much simpler if he hadnt been to taiwan. You cud have reported sick or sumting buddy! But y?! Y did you go.... I leave your family, your fav lil sister whom u always say u wanna protect her? Leaving me?

On the Friday, 11th May 2007, I, Hazlami, lost a very good friend. My best buddy. In the field of duty.

Do u remember buddy, when you told me, i wish i cud be like you haz. People respect u, loved u. Nobody liked me. Even Zoey (his crush).

Now, Isz, u have the whole nation mourn for you. A death so honourable that many would die for.

Thank you for all the things. Thank you for all the help. Thank you. Buddy.

:(

Has been some days since myself or my darling haz has blogged..

Well, Haz is in mournin for the lost of his buddy 3SG Isz Sazli (May God Have Mercy On Him) who was killed in Taiwan due to a crashed fighter plane mishap. Both of them were buddies while in college..

It was such an irony.. Gotta know this news first hand from my bro in the morn who is with the SAF Medical Corps.. When i msged him askin him, How haf u been? N wad r u doin? My bro replied he was feelin sad.. Told me a servicemen died in Taiwan, he was his schoolmate in Broadrick Secondary School.. (refers to the aruah)

He was doin some emergency overseas screening for some SAF doctors who was activated to go to Taiwan to be on site there.. How sad was dat sia.. I wouldnt be able to take it seh knowing ur fren died n ur clearing servicemen to be flown there immediately.. Felt sad that such a tragedy has happen..

In the evening, msged Haz that this incident took place.. The mishap thing.. He didnt know that it was his college buddy.. When he found out, he was so so sad... Neva saw him this sad before.. Haiz.. Deja vu.... Now both him n my bro is in mourning...

However, let us not forget that as a soldier, a national servicemen, 3SG Isz Sazli was discharging his sacred duty of service to the country.. My dad, a retired Lieutenant Colonel, told me that it is the highest honour for a soldier to die.. To die for his beloved country that all soldier swore to fight and defend irregardless in time of peace or in war.. He too told me that when he was in service, eventho he was sad doin military exercises overseas, at times months, nearly years.. He too felt down and misses us at home.. But then he knew that as a soldier and as an officer, the country comes first.. By protecting, defending and fighting the country, they are protecting their loved ones at home..

The conversation i had wif dad was enriching but then, i told him,

"Ayah, if u had died the death that way, i dont think all of us would be able to take it.. I mean its easier said than done.."

Then dad replied..

"If that happens.. Then farz, kakak n mama should be proud of ayah.. Cause ayah died for the country.. Im a hero to the country.. Ayah mati syahid.. As promised by God, i will have a place in heaven where i'll pray for all of you to come and join ayah there.."

Tears welled up in my eyes when dad said that.. I couldnt imagine the sadness of the aruah's family.. All i could say is that.. My deepest condolences is wif them..

3SG Isz Sazli..

al-fatihah...

For his honourable death, i placed here a bugle music piece "The Last Post". It is a bugle call used im military funerals and in ceremonies commemorating those who have fallen in war. One that is beffiting to the sacrifice of 3SG Isz Sazli...

://www.lastpost.be/mp3_lastpost.html

** Last Post was originally a bugle call used in British Army camps to signal the end of the day. The name derives from the practice of inspecting all the sentry posts around such a camp at the end of the day, and playing a bugle call at each of them. The "last post" was thus the last point of this inspection, and the bugle call signalling that this post had been inspected marked the end of the military day. It is alo a calling for soldier to "go home" to their barracks...

To Haz- Was tryin to blog sum stuffs today, but suddenly not in e mood after seeing sumthin.. I'll blog tomorrow.. Farzanna.. Ciaoz..