Istiqamah

Yesterday my dad took MC, and was at home. So I decided to talk to him to gain more knowledge from this wise man.

Indeed, his advise was very wise.

I told him about how I feel inapt, unworthy, and somehow I lost myself in between the lines of hope and despair. I shared about what I have learnt by my teachers: about the meaning of happiness, about beauty and love, about ma'rifah. And I told him that I find it very difficult to prepare my soul to receive God's light. And I feel despair over my incompetencies that has resulted in hurting the loved ones around me, including Yoko.

So my dad said, "Ask Allah. If you do not Deny him, He will not Deny you."

And he said, "If you feel sad, close your eyes and tell your soul that Allah has promised you that in difficulty there is ease."

And he said, "If you feel that you are wrong and sinned, and you acknowledged it, then you are a step closer to Him."

And he said, "If you feel that you love someone because you know that by Allah she has the qualities of a good wife, then pray for consistency."

Istiqamah, and the ability to be conscious of my wrong doings and mistakes, are the important components in the process of preparing my soul to receive Allah's Light.

And I pray to Allah, that He cures me from the diseases of my Heart, from selfishness, anger, desires beyond needs, self-centeredness, riak, takabur, and loba. For this heart is in pain not because of the broken of ties from her, but from the broken of ties from God. This heart longs for His presence. This heart longs for justice to be served on itself. To be taken care of under the consciousness of Allah.

Allah, provide me with Your Love so that I longed to be with You.

Only with Your Love, I can love her..

*and now, I am beginning to love her more and more, as though I have met her for the first time*