Then my dad said that he felt slightly disappointed that my brother didn't do enough for the family.
In my mind, I was scared. I mean, not enough? When is enough? Is it monetary? because if it is, I would be in deep trouble. Because I plan to save up as much as I can to accumulate some wealth for my future, and also to pay off my debts to MUIS and my grandfather's waqf fund.
He continued saying that it wasn't monetary, but rather, the extra things that a son should do, to fill up the holes in the house that has yet to be addressed.
So its more than just monetary. Its the daily contribution in helping the management of the house (tadbir al-manzil). And he said, "Jangan pula buat bapak sampai rasa terkilan dengan kau."
That statement kinda shook my whole ground.
Although I did plan to teach tuition despite already working in the employment sector as well as taking up overtimes as much as I possibly could to increase my wealth so that I have enough cashflow to ask her hand in marrige and build the foundations of my family's future, the responsibilities spread out even further still. I was so worried that I could not sleep last night.
I woke up early morning and prayed to God. Oh Allah, why am I feeling this way? Why must I rush and still get worried about it? Why is this feeling burdening my heart?
And something came to me, as though God was speaking to me. Why should I be worried, when Allah is my Sole Provider? All I have to do is to work hard, and prepare my soul to be a worthy Man in His eyes, and leave all the worries of 'insufficiency' in time (slow personal and monetary growth), self (incompetency in managing my soul) and resources (monetary means). All I have to do, is to be consistent.
One of my exco members shared her experience of her past relationship, of which his lover was consistent in committing himself to make the relationship work, but she was the one that was inconsistent with her feelings.
The fact is: I was not consistent. I work hard, but I spend money on rubbish things like fizzy drinks. I made promises on not being angry, but I still couldn't control it. I made promises not to judge, but I still do. I made promises to make everyone happy, but yet, my idiotic selfishness makes everyone sad.
She concluded that she needs to review herself.
In my heart, I whispered: I concur. I was not being consistent. I helped my parents in this week, but never the following. I read the Quran this week, but never the following. I teach tuition to my little brother this week, but never the following.
I am so frustrated with myself.
But I have no strength no rights to begin with.
So Allah, please grant me istiqamah. The consistency to do the right things, and to prevent the doings of the wrong. Allah, guide me to the Path of those who are grateful of the bounties that You have granted. Allah, push away the desires of my evil self, and make deaf to my ears from the whispers from the Devil that keeps trying to insert evil thoughts, doubts, worries, insecurities in me.
Perhaps tonight's zikr class at Masjid Omar Kampung Melaka should do the trick. Let us start the day with consistency, insya'allah...
I doubt that you are reading this Yoko, but everyday I pray that Allah heals your broken heart and feel it with His love, and make it light and soft with His Gentleness (Lateef). And He were to erase the horrible memories and dreams of my monster, and keep those beautiful ones that will lift your heart. I hope that the day will come, when I am worthy of your heart, as how you deserve it to be. And hope that we shall walk into the strawberry fields again, with lighted pearls and lifted spirits, and walk towards His Grace... Amin. :)
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