It has been 3 weeks since the day I lost someone precious to me. I could not narrate the pain that I feel in my heart. Is this what you felt back then, when I was being the most self-centered person that does not deserve your honour? By Allah, it is. It is the most devastating pain I have ever felt. Even more painful when my closed ones passed away. I felt so weak, physically and emotionally. I couldn't eat well. My weight decreased till 60kg. I stared at blank space most of the time at home. I kept looking at the phone, for a sign, for comfort, from someone that I hold so dear in my whole life.
I keep looking at the things that I did for you. I keep thinking that I am the best. I keep thinking that this is the right way, my way. I always think I should win. And in that, the one I that I love so dear, professed the very sentence that shook my whole world.
I asked God for help. And I gain some peace in me. I see reason now. I see myself foolish, dishonourable, treacherous, arrogant, temperament, self-centered, opiniative, judgemental and more. Is this how you bring me to the Right Path, Allah? If it is so, aku redha.... But please give me strength to face this..
I have some unspoken words that I can't say in front of you, to honour you. But perhaps, I would want to write it here, to express unspoken words.
I am sorry awak. From the bottom of my empty heart. On that Sunday, two days after the grieving news, I find strength and asked you whether you would want to accompany me study. At first I felt, are you out of your mind? It hurts, no? But I told Allah in my prayers, to guide me to answers that I need to seek. So you came. And there was this moment when you placed your head on the table and slept.
I cried watching you sleep. It wasn't a sad tear. It was a happy tear. To see you sleeping so peacefully. And suddenly, I saw flashbacks of you and I, that I feel so real to me. You were there when I first submitted my application to SIM. You where there protecting me when ppl shove unbearable words during FOC planning. You were there waiting patiently after my work, brought me cards of love, cookies made from those love. You wear beautiful clothes to make me smile. You were there in every part of my life. And to think that university life is the best phase of my existence, you are there all the time, without fail. You were there when I struggle to see strength in my studies. You were there to comfort my heart everytime I felt lonely. You were there when my parents and family show lackluster support on my education. You are there whenever I felt stress everytime I finish tuition. You were there when everyone shunned me aside. You stood strong in front of me, all arrows thrown on me, but you took it. And when I left that seat on Syura, you came crying to me after dealing with pain.. for me. You showered me love everytime I feel sad. You say, "its ok k awak... saya tetap sokong awak no matter what.. tomorrow is going to be a good day.. saya belanja ice cream k.." to me everytime i feel so down...
But I return it with anger. I judged your family and friends. I was so arrogant. so foolish. haish. I did zalim on you. I did zalim on you.... And I cannot forgive myself for the actions that I did. In the end, I did zalim on myself as well. And this is the retribution that I must face for the many zalims I did on you. You were not happy, because of this zalim. And I have failed. I am a failure. And I seek Allah's guidance and strenght.
I feel like wearing a rubbish bin on my head for the rest of my life.
As I type away my unspoken feelings for you, tears come streaming down. And through that moment of peace, when you slept on that table on Sunday, I had my answer:
I love you. I will always will. I saw sincerity in that love. I see that love. I feel that love. And for the first time in my life, I have acknowledged this love that we share, as real and true. And when I asked Allah in my heart, I whispered, "Is this the answer, oh Allah?" And then I felt peace. I felt love. I felt tremendous amount of love. The knowledge of Allah as the Sole Provider of my existence, bored down a single creation: my love for you, is by Allah's Grace. I love you, because of Allah. And now, I feel that deep inside your heart, in the subconscious realm of your soul, you still do. That you suppressed all of the pain, all by yourself, by Allah's grace, for the fear of the Devil that will conspire against the both of us. You sacrificed your emotions and feelings, to save us both. And in that moment, I feel love that I never felt before. A love like a light shining like the moon. It was you, who is the Gift from God, not me to you. It was you, who saved me from my foolishness. And Allah saved us both, through you.
And I have held bearing and strength, and I spoke to Allah, to be there with me in times where I feel lonely. You felt lonely because Allah was not in our love in many moments throughout our relationship. But I believe, that I know you also do, that there are moments where our love felt pure, connected.
Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart. Mend our hearts for you.
I see it True
The love of You
That spreads from the heavens and Earth.
Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart that's true.
Only to You we Return
Only to You we love
And protect us from the deviated path that will burn.
Ya jabeer kul kaseer. Mend my heart. Mend her heart that's true.
You fill my heart with light
You grant me the gift of Sun that is Bright
So shower us with mercy and forgiveness.
She is the woman that I love. And I love her because of Allah. And I leave the test of sincerity to Him. But my intentions will be corrected. It will be based on sincerity, on iman, on Islam, on Your Deen. Not on foolishness. I am lucky, to be granted a chance to redeem myself for Him. And awak, you will always be my moon. The light that shines, when all lights are out.
Hayya fi qulubinna.
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