Looking back

As I was busily trying to record the song 'If I had a Gun' by Noel Gallagher, I stumbled upon pictures and videos of you.

Yoko's secret video that bore message 'I hope that when you saw this video, you will laugh or something' or those secret videos she naughtily record without me knowing it, when I look so stressed up studying. Or those simple video journals we made at the Macdonalds @BPP while having nice cinnamon melts. And there were those funny and sweet pictures we took from this Macbook.

It made me laugh. It made me smile. And it made my day. :)

I asked God to mend my heart. And everytime I see your face, it mends itself. Everytime I push you away from my thoughts, it gets torn apart. Is this the answer to my prayers, oh Allah? Is this loving her sincerely?

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I was reading Surah Yasin and I saw this verse:

79. Say: (O Muhammad ) "He will give life to them Who created them for the first time! And He is the All-Knower of every creation!"

80. He, Who produces for you fire out of the green tree, when behold! You kindle therewith.

81. Is it not He, Who created the heavens and the earth Able to create the like of them? Yes, indeed! He is the All-Knowing Supreme Creator.

82. Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, "Be!" and it is!

83. So Glorified is He and Exalted above all that they associate with Him, and in Whose Hands is the dominion of all things, and to Him you shall be returned.

Verse 81 shows that even if you try as much as you want to make something happen, you should ask Allah first, because He is All-knowing. And when He intends a thing to exist, He just need to make it happen, and it will happen. I was asking dad, what is the meaning of submission to Him. He says, to erase all thoughts that bind, and bind ourselves to Him. In Malay, he continued:

"Dia akan beri kepada sesiapa insan yang Dia suka. Dia suka kalau insanNya bermunajat, mengharap denganNya, berserah meminta pertolongan kepadaNya dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Atas belas kasihanNya, kita harus yakin bahawa Dia akan beri."

Aku hanya meminta ampun dan dedaun taubat kepada dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan selama aku hilang arahku. Aku akui bahawa diri ini lemah dan dangkal. Aku akui juga bahawa dahulu kala aku masih dibawah panjiNya, tetapi aku telah lemas dalam lautan nista. Ego diri, rasa diri benar dan haq, riak dan takabur, dan penyakit marah telah meresap dalam hatiku, dan selama setahun lebih lalu, ia telah berleluasa bagaikan kanser yang merebak, sampai ia menyakitkan orang lain. Ilmu yang ku timba, kerana tiada keikhlasan, hilang begitu sahaja.

I asked my mum, what is the way out of this mess. She simply said, "Solat Dhuha' and Tahajjud, jangan lepas al-Waqi'ah and Yasin tiap-tiap hari, dan telek diri. Kutuk diri. Dan sentiasa bermohon pada Allah keampunan."

Alhamdulillah, ada jalan keluar. :)